My Hearts Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father, as I humbly come before you I thank you for coming to Earth as a human, dying on the cross a painful death and raising on the third day and sending our comforter the Holy Spirit. Father you said where two or more are gathered in your name and we ask according to your will it shall be done! So Father right now I ask that you embrace each and every person that is on my heart and every person that is hurting, sick , anxious, depressed, suicidal, lost, confused, in need, homeless, unloving, unlovable, bitter, angry, unforgiving, or resentful. Father I know it is your will that each of us come to know you as our personal Lord and Savior. And I know that you want to give us life and life more abundantly; and that you died on that cross to heal us from all sickness & disease and for our sins. So I ask Father that angels be petitioned to go and minister to every person that is in need of your touch right now. If they don’t know you as their Lord and Savior that tonight be the night that the Holy Spirit introduce them to Jesus, filling them with a peace and joy like they’ve never known.
Jesus, thank you for dying on the cross so that we might live. And I ask Holy Spirit to come and fill the voids in their heart, as they accept Christ as their Lord and Savior. Father thank you for salvation, healing, restoration, and reconciliation and thank you for the manifestation of all these things. In Jesus Name, Amen!

To God be all the glory, honor & praise, forever!

Much Love to you all,

Donna 

Sticks and Stones

Lately I have had a lot on my mind and been in prayer about things. But today God set me free from unforgiveness that I had been holding on to in which I didn’t realize I was. Satan will do anything and everything to kill, steal and destroy to take you out of the game. He will use the people or things that are dearest to you to cut your legs out from under you. However, I know who wins in the end; God does!

Ever since I was a child I’ve always heard the saying sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you. But I am here to tell you that this is a lie straight from the pit of Hell! Out of our mouth we speak blessings and curses; life or death, depending on what we say. And name calling, talking about others behind their back, critical comments, belittling, disrespectful speech, and throwing someone’s past up are definitely curses. And when doing this we speak death and destruction to that person. And before giving my life to God I was so guilty of these things and even after; until I gained wisdom.

We must be careful with our words and how we speak for not everyone is capable of letting things roll off. If we all could, that would be wonderful. But everyone is different and everyone has a different background and handle things totally different. Hurtful words when not released to God, will play over and over in a person’s mind. Often times we find that some traumatic event from a person’s childhood has left them scarred. And we can’t look at someone and tell what they have gone through. A person who appears to be strong could possibly be the person that needs an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, and someone to care enough to pray for and with them. I know, because I have been that person!

When you are hurt from rejection and critical comments, etc. there is such a deep pain that haunts you constantly. It’s like a reminder telling you that you aren’t good enough; leading to depression. And when you grow up feeling this way and go through one relationship after another and loosing friends who tell you that you aren’t rich enough, after a while you really believe that you are insignificant and unlovable. When your life from childhood through adulthood has been filled with so many negative and emotional happenings; there is a sense of inadequacy, feeling not good enough, and as if everything you do isn’t good enough. And believe me growing up this way was extremely hard. If I had not run from God all these years then my life would have been different, but praise God my life is different now!

Joyce Meyer has a book written called Battlefield of the Mind. That is exactly where the battle is and not in the heart. But the battle between the head and the heart is spiritual warfare. Depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts are straight from Hell and without God we don’t know how to overcome them. And sometimes it gets to the point where you just want to run away or give up. Satan is the one who gives us these thoughts; it’s his way of trying to take us out because he knows God has a huge plan for our lives. It’s been 18 years since someone near and dear to me decided they couldn’t take anymore. I don’t know what was going on but I do know that I too had been down that road of thinking life would be better for everyone if I were just out of the way. But the truth is, everyone isn’t better for they are left dealing with the pain and heartache of loosing someone they love. Unfortunately as the suicidal person; you don’t feel loved because your mind has become so clouded you can’t see straight! God tells us that we can have victory in Him. If the thought doesn’t line up with the Word of God, then reject it and believe and think only on what God’s Word says.

****2 Corinthians 10:4-5 (KJV) For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds; Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.

The gathering together of the saints is to uplift, encourage and to pray for one another. Not everyone has family that encourages and prays for them. It’s extremely important to stay plugged into a body of believers as we all need one another on this journey. Life can become extremely difficult at times and what I have realized is that Satan wants us to give up, walk away and be desolate; giving him an advantage. If he can separate us from the saints then who will speak life into us?

****Ephesians 6:18 (MSG) In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other’s spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out.

Intercessory prayer is extremely important! And we must keep check on our brothers and sisters for 1Peter 5:8 tells us that we must be alert and of sober mind. Our enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Let us as families and church families be someone that others can come to feeling acceptance and love. We all need someone, but I am here to tell you that a person with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts need your prayers desperately. I know for I have been in those shoes and without the prayers of my Pastors and my daughter I wouldn’t be alive today. It could be your love and prayers that set things in motion for true freedom as was in my case.

If you happen to be thinking right now; perhaps I have been that person that has been critical, judgmental, or perhaps thrown someone’s past in their face just ask for forgiveness from them and our Father. This life is too short to walk around making others feel unworthy. Perhaps the journey of life for that person has put them into that place where they are at a breaking point. Would you want to think that your comment could have possibly been the straw that broke the camels back? When satan has us bound; it’s difficult to see a way out when you keep getting pounded. Speak life to this person and not death. Pray for others instead of talking about them or judging them. And if they come into the church dressed inappropriately; then at least they are in the church and God will deal with everything else! Don’t reject them for they may never want to set foot in church again or have anything to do with God! Would you want to have their blood on your hands? We are all called into the ministry, not to just sit in church. We are to win souls for God’s Kingdom, not push them away.

When people are down right rude, disrespectful, throwing up things &people from our past, belittling us or even talking about us behind our back; we are to forgive them! Holding on to the bitterness, hurt, hate and pain only harms us and steals our joy; sometimes leading us into that depression, anxiety and into those suicidal thoughts. And we must remember its not the person but what is inside that is causing them to do these things. But to have life and life more abundantly; what we have to do is forgive them, pray for a heart change for you and them and have faith in God for He will work all things to the good of those that love Him. Faith makes all things possible; although not easy! Forgiveness is a choice! If we don’t forgive; then our Father can’t forgive us.

Pastor Jim has shared with us several times a poem by Pastor Roys Hicks, Sr..”There are two natures within my breast, One is cursed and one is blessed. One I love, and one I hate. The one I feed will dominate. This is so true as the battle of the spirits rage within us. We have the choice to be our old self or the new creation with Christ. Although our flesh is under our feet; the war of the spirits rage. And if we aren’t careful the flesh will rise at an impromptu time. Will you allow God to move and use you to speak life into those around you and into those who are hurting and running from Him? Everyone needs someone in their corner and I thank God that He blessed me with my spiritual family!

If you are hurting today and need someone to pray with you, please comment with your contact information and I will contact you. I know what it feels like to feel all alone, unworthy, rejected and unloved; as we can feel this even in the midst of a crowd. You don’t have to walk around feeling unwanted and unloved. I love you but God loves you more and desires for you to have life more abundantly and with God ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! And He makes beauty from our ashes!!

****Matthew 11:28-30“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

To God Be All the Glory, Honor & Praise, Forever, Amen!

Much Love to You All!

Donna 

The End of a Journey But the Beginning of Life

When I ended the story a few weeks ago I told you that Samantha and I had moved into our present home after leaving my now ex-husband. I was a mixed bag of emotions from being mad, sad, hurt, depressed, confused, to angry. Crushed because everything had happened like it did as I had so hoped for our marriage to work out and finally have a big family. But things didn’t quite work out that way. As I look back now, I’m not sure if I was more upset over the separation and moving or the fact that I didn’t have control over everything. One thing for sure was I felt like a complete failure as I was heading for divorce number 3.

When we moved I was already working with the school system and going to college part time. I had to give up college because it was just too much on me at that time. But it was during Thanksgiving break our home was almost ready and I told Samantha to get some of her clothes and we would spend the night at our new place. I wasn’t ready to move yet because some things still needed to be completed and I figured if we moved in it would never get done. But when we got to our now home I realized she had brought every piece of clothing she owned! When I asked her why, she simply stated she wanted to get out and didn’t want to go back because she was tired of the way things had been. Unfortunately our kids are the ones who suffer the most when we make those selfish and irresponsible decisions and behave irrationally.

He helped us get settled in and moved the items that I had purchased and stored in the outbuilding for me. I didn’t take anything from the home except Samantha’s bedroom suite as I wanted to make sure he had everything that he needed to have a furnished home. Because when I met him; his apartment was bare and regardless of what had happened, I didn’t have the heart to clean him out. I did love him and wanted him to have everything that he needed. He helped us financially for quite some time and still helps in little ways that he can for he said he would always help Samantha any way possible. But I was so upset that I had to leave my beautiful home I had worked so hard in and not to mention my huge kitchen. For the one I have now is almost too small to change your mind in, but praise God, I have a home.

After just a couple of weeks here at our new place; I remember Samantha telling me that our old single wide mobile home felt like home and that she missed it. Then she said that our other house we had just left never felt like home and that our new place felt more like home than that house ever did. She was absolutely right! As much as I loved that house it never felt like home to me either; it was a place to stay and a roof over our heads. Marriage was short lived with all the trouble we had with my sickness and attitude, jealousy of kids and everything else that went on. As I stated in an earlier post; I wasn’t ready to be married and I never should have married him. It wasn’t the right time and it definitely wasn’t fair to him or either of our girls! But praise God we are still friends. There was definitely healing that needed to take place within me before I ever said I Do! And I needed to know the true meaning of love and what marriage is all about.

Two years passed before I even considered dating anyone. Just before our divorce was final I started seeing someone. However I shouldn’t have until my divorce was final because when you are still married by law you are still married in Gods eyes; therefore I was committing adultery. Even though the divorce was almost final and I was seeing someone; I just found it hard to let go of my husband. I remember continuously asking him, are you sure this is what you want; can’t we seek counseling and work it out! Of course he was done and wanted no part of trying to salvage the marriage. I think deep down I was hoping that the time apart would cause him to miss me and want me. But I know now that it was that longing to have someone and be married and not have divorce number three take place.

I wasn’t sure if I was upset over divorcing him or the fact that it was going to be divorce number three for me. However I felt like a complete failure and that I would never have a marriage work. And you know what?…. with that type of attitude and stinking thinking, I most definitely can’t! But God moves mountains and heals emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually when we allow Him to do so. Once we completely accept Him and surrender, then He is able to make beauty from our ashes. However, at this point I wasn’t quite there yet!

This entire time I was going to church and working on my relationship with God and many miracles had taken place in my life but I still had a ways to go. God has truly had his hands full molding and shaping me! But jumping into a dating relationship at this time was detrimental to my walk. For I strayed and not only was I committing adultery, but fornication too! And oh how the struggle between the spirits was completely overwhelming! The relationship with this guy got really nasty and only lasted a few months but then I turned right around and jumped into dating an old friend. He’s the one that had given me the expensive engagement ring that I gave back and I told you about this in an earlier post. Then a year later I ran into a dear precious old friend and we dated for only a short while. But although I was divorced and had been for 2 years he felt like he was being compared to my ex because of things I said. I never meant for it to come out that way. I guess I just had to have healing in my entire being before I could move forward in my life. I have since learned that there is no man on this earth that can make me happy or love me like my Father! Happiness comes from within, no person, all the money in the world nor anything can make you happy….but a personal relationship with the Father is what it takes!

***** 1 Corinthians 6:18 -20-Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, who you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

I’ve realized that you can’t move on until your heart is completely healed. Perhaps after two years of separation you would think you would be healed but when you have extremely deep pain from childhood on up, it takes a while to allow God to heal all those scars and create within you a new, tender and loving heart. God knew my heart and He knew that no marriage would ever work out for me until I was completely healed from the inside-out from every single thing that had hurt me in my past.

During the past seven years God has healed me from all my deep rooted anger, jealousy, rage, bitterness, hatred, spitefulness, envy, selfishness, a controlling spirit, hatefulness, all sickness & diseases, heartache, depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. He has created in me a new heart and has given me life. Not to say that satan, who is out to steal, kill and destroy doesn’t prowl around trying to convince me otherwise; but I know who I am. I am the daughter of the King, the most High God who has turned my mourning into dancing and turned my sorrow into joy!

God is still molding and shaping me, as I am not perfect and will not be until He calls me home to be with Him. But when I fall; I am quick to repent and I get back up brush myself off and go again. I do not want to do anything to displease my Father but to do everything so that He may receive all the glory, honor and praise. My life didn’t change overnight after accepting God as my Savior and yes I stepped out of His will more times than I care to admit. But He never let me go! Praise God!!!

Being healed & delivered from smoking, addiction to prescription drugs and not tithing properly during the Health & Wealth Conference when Jeremy Laborde prayed with me was an eye-opening experience. I will tell you more about this soon and about the physical touch I received from God while praising Him at the alter one Sunday morning! Oh WOW, was that awesome! From cleaning the church, working in the nursery, helping with VBS, dancing on the praise team, doing skits for the Women’s Conference, and praising & worshipping Him freely; every day I love Him more and more. And I know He has huge plans for me!

*****Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Join me next week as I tell you a little more of my story and my walk to true love as God continues to mold & shape me!

To God be all the Glory, Honor & Praise Forevermore!

Much Love to you All,

Donna

Light VS Dark

Walking along the beach last weekend I was reminded as I looked at the sea shells upon the sand that the world is made up of many different people. We are of different ethnicity, races, sex and religions but God loves every one of us. He may not be pleased with our ways or what we do sometimes; but that doesn’t stop His love for us. And it most definitely doesn’t’ stop Him from trying to reel us back in when we start to stray. The correction of our Father can be tough; but much needed and in my case much wanted! 

When we truly commit our life to God; we change from the inside out. My heart and my life are so extremely opposite from where I use to be. I gave my life to Christ in 2008 but He has had His hands full molding and shaping me. The journey to where I am today has been tough but I thank God that He never gave up on me and left me where I was. And just because you accept God as your Savior doesn’t mean you are an instant know it all nor does it mean you will never take a fall. We are saved by grace through Gods mercy; which doesn’t give us permission to sin; but gives us the grace to repent when we do.

***2 Peter 3:9 –  The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance.

In 2006 when gas prices went through the roof instead of driving to Wallace every day for work; I started working within the school system doing a interim position. Then I became a substitute teacher. It was during this time that I decided to go to college; I wanted to make something of myself. Thinking too that if I got my degree that my husband would see that I am somebody and our marriage would change. He was proud of me for working and going to school, but I was so overly consumed with perfection in my school work that when we were trying to work out our marriage I had no time for him or my daughter. Many days they rode off on the motorcycle to visit my family and I didn’t have time. Between school and medications my life was consumed and I had shut out everyone. Sadly, I too had taught my daughter that all men are dogs as I use to say this all the time and she picked it up and started saying it. WOW, how irresponsible that was of me and extremely damaging!

As I told you last time Samantha started walking to church in 2007, than I started going too. And we were baptized in February 2008. And just a couple of weeks after we came home from church one Sunday we found that my step-daughter and her precious baby girl had moved out. My husband found it convenient and moved into that bedroom once again. I couldn’t see it at that moment but God was working on the situation. Although he had moved out of our bedroom; we started talking more since our step-daughter was gone. It was during this time that I made friends at the church and had started going to a women’s meeting on Wednesday mornings. Three wonderful women became my cheerleaders to cheer me on and pray for me as I grew in Christ. Without out there support I do not know what would have happened.

During this time God gave me writing ability of poetry and a vision of a special camp for underprivileged children, exceptional children and battered & abused women. I drew this out and still have the drawing. I haven’t given up and I am still believing for this place and I know it is 30 acres. God will provide! It was during this time that I wrote “My Angel of God” and shared partial testimony with my friends. God was working on me; but satan was not letting go that easily. A new Christian who didn’t know anything about God, except I knew there was one, I wasn’t very clever to the tricks of the enemy.

Thinking I was doing right all the while I was doing wrong! My husband wouldn’t go to church with us and I just had to show him all his wrong. I was trying to show him the specks in his eyes while I couldn’t see the planks in mine! I was constantly telling him about what the Bible says and highlighted scriptures in the Bible and would leave it laying around in hopes that he would read it. All the while I was completely doing wrong! You can’t win someone’s love and teach about God by cramming it down their throats, especially when you don’t know anything yourself!  You see God can’t move if we don’t let Him in. We have to get out buts out of the way so He can!

However, God graced me when Samantha and I started going to church at Mt. Zion PFWB in Pink Hill, NC. My parents started going with us and when we had an open mic Sunday; Samantha and I were to sing. During this time my husband and I were not where we needed to be; but God was working. We asked him to come hear us sing and he did. This was a beginning as he started coming to church and he gave his life to God. Then we started the Love Dare class on Wednesday nights; but unfortunately softball season started and that was his life. Between practice, games and coaching on the side; there was no time for Love Dare studies or working on a marriage. Church became a distant thing to him and so did I. When he had given his life to God that Sunday morning, I remember him turning around holding me tight at that alter telling me that he loved me! Oh, happy words and he moved back into our bedroom; but between life and his career and my bickering; he soon moved out of our room again. I was in a total loss and outraged as he became so distant once again and I felt like a complete failure. Not sure if I was angrier with him or the fact that I was headed towards a third divorce. Again, here I took control and didn’t allow God to be God! 

That deep anger came out one day as I was arguing with him and I attacked him. It was as if I blanked out or snapped and had become someone else; as if something had taken over me! I realize now it was a demonic spirit that was in control. When I snapped out of this and realized I had hurt him, I was so emotionally distraught and I remember begging for his forgiveness. He just wanted me to leave him alone and the truth is I don’t blame him! It was then I knew I needed help; I needed prayer! I called my three friends, they came over and I told them what had happened. They comforted and calmed me down, praying for me and for my husband (although he had left). I had never snapped like that before and never want too again! I then started therapy and was put on medication. But since then I have been delivered; God has worked a miracle in my life!

Church became a thing of the past for Samantha and myself as we stopped going. I think I had given up because it didn’t seem I was getting any better nor my marriage. And I had tried to teach a youth class and once again I felt like a complete failure as these kids didn’t want to learn; they had no interest whatsoever. What I didn’t realize was that God is not a magic genie and a happy life is not dependent on someone else. My happiness is dependent on me and my joy comes from the Lord. I also didn’t realize that a walk with God is not an overnight ordeal; it takes time to grow in Christ by being intimate with Him. Then we can step out and teach others about Him. Boy did I have a lot to learn!!!

But praise God for He sends people our way all the time. We were car shopping for Samantha and one of my sweet sisters whom I had not seen in a while, that I use to go to the prayer meetings with had a car for sale. We tried it out but it was not for us; however she told us of a church with lots of youth and Samantha’s best friend attended it. She said, “Mommy can we go Sunday”? And of course I said yes and we’ve been going ever since! God gave me a church family and a spiritual Mom and Dad who love me regardless of my imperfections. Agape Life Family Church family has helped me grow and learn of who God really is. Although, I had found a church family to pour into me; my husband had no desire to ever attend a church with me again. He said he had forgiven me and we started working on our marriage once again; taking a family vacation in VA with a family motorcycle ride in the mountains. So much fun, but things just didn’t feel as they should between us. The damage that had been done was irreversible and only a God centered marriage could survive this and it takes three to make it work, God –husband & wife. Although I wanted too, he had no desire to seek marriage counseling not even with the pastor. 

After our vacation, things went downhill and by Christmas he once again had moved out into his own room. He was rarely home, staying out late at work or wherever and when he was home he stayed in his bedroom. It was then walking by his bedroom many times and seeing his phone laying on the bed beside him, I just knew he had to be seeing someone. So one day when Samantha was gone I ran in and grabbed his phone and ran back to my bedroom with it. All while he was trying to get in to get it. I didn’t know how to use his phone; but somehow I got in. And when I did, I was devastated! All my suspicions were possibly correct. But I know now I pushed him away and I drove him to find comfort elsewhere. I can’t say that I blame him because I was not a wife that anyone would have wanted at that time! It was then that I requested my car be put in my name and find a place for Samantha and myself to stay! I wanted out! I couldn’t do it anymore!  So we found our little house in the woods and moved here in 2010 after it was remodeled and a few things taken care of.

Thank God Samantha and I had started attending Agape Life Family Church the year before for now I had a spiritual Father and Mother to talk with and pray for me. God knew I was really gonna need them!

***Isaiah 43:19 – Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will make a road in the wilderness And rivers in the desert.

He is really a good man but he was never meant to be my husband as our relationship wasn’t God centered. And as you see our marriage wasn’t God ordained and I shouldn’t have said yes knowing that I wasn’t ready. This all shows you how going against God can be so devastating not only for one person but for many! But God makes beauty from ashes!!! We became friends after our divorce and would now do anything we can to help one another.

*** Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Join me next time as I share a little more of how God came in and changed me from the inside out….

To God Be All the Glory, Honor & Praise!

Much Love To You All,

Donna

Dear Future Son-in-Law — A Prayer

Dear Future Son in Law,
I don’t know who you are yet but my daughter has been handpicked by God to be your wife. I pray for the anointing for you to husband her and lead your family the way God has intended. I pray for you my sweet daughter the anointing to wife your husband and the anointing on you both to parent your children. May you grow together in your calling for our Heavenly Father, winning many souls for His Kingdom. May God be glorified in all you do and may everything you touch and do prosper. May your love for one another grow stronger day by day with God always being first in each of your lives. Remember God first, spouse second and children last…. out-of-order will cause disaster within your marriage. Pray together & for each other, praise & worship together, study the Word together, keep a date night, bring her flowers just because, hug & kiss each other often and let the kids see you so they know you love one another, respect one another, never go to bed angry, dance & dance in the rain, laugh lots, and say I love often, take those walks together hand in hand, and swing on the porch swing together and play. Enjoy each other and my grandbabies, for life is short & never take a day or each other for granted. Keep the family together, when things get tough fight on your knees with prayer! Love God first, love each other & love my grandbabies!

Future Son in Law take care of my baby girl!!

In Jesus Name I Pray, Amen!

Love,

Your Future Mother-in-Law

A prayer from my heart for my daughter’s future… I Love You Samantha!

June 7, 2017

A Glimmer of Light in the Darkest of Days

For many years I pretty much invited satan into my home to take everything I had. However, the way my life went for most of my years he didn’t have to take it, I practically handed everything to him on a gold platter. But now I am at a point in my life where I’m tired of everything being taken and I’m tired of giving it away. I want my stuff back! The fight is on!

As I continue to be the hands, feet and voice for God as the Holy Spirit leads me, please keep me in your prayers. This is no easy task revealing your deepest darkest secrets for everyone to see. And the spiritual battle is real but with God I can do all things for He gives me strength.

I look back at last fall when I began this journey; reluctantly I might add. And from then until now I see growth within myself. Praise God I am not who I was then or even 2 months ago! But I’m still not where I want to be.  I am ever so grateful that God loved me so much to never give up me and for changing my heart; hence changing my life! When He asked me to share my life story I didn’t want too. I saw no purpose in it and was terrified of what people would say about me. But as I have written I have come to a point where I don’t care what others think; I only care what my Father in Heaven thinks of me. Satan has fought me every step of the way to keep me from sharing. But praying that my story would help at least one person; I have come to realize that it is making a difference and having an impact for His Kingdom. He is using my obedience to Him to heal my heart from all the pain of my past. And He is preparing me for my future. Most importantly He is showing the world what He can do! And I write for Him so he can receive all the glory, honor and praise!

Father reduce me and increase you!

****Joshua 1:9 (NIV) “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Just this past week God let me know the impact my obedience is having on others; that my writing is not in vain. From a co-worker who recently became friends with me on Facebook I received a beautiful hand-painted gift (pictured below). She has been reading my post on Facebook and she was inspired to paint something that she said describes me. The Mason jar is a theme from our school that stands for amazing, the butterfly is a sweet spirit that flies around, and the beauty of flowers I love dearly. Then at church Sunday morning a beautiful sister told me that she loves reading my Facebook post. And she said that she’s so amazed at the heart change God has done in me, she can see the growth. And that some Christians post things on Facebook, but she knows my post are genuinely from the heart. Before I could leave church Pastor Joyce told me that she too loves reading my blog. And that she is proud of me for doing what I am doing for God. Then Sunday night another sweet sister let me know she sat one day and read every blog post that I have written. She said she just couldn’t stop reading it and that she knows that my testimony has to help many. And she ended by saying that it takes a lot of courage to share so much. She is absolutely right and I have never had that courage; but with God all things are possible!  God knows what we need when we need it and He is always right on time. And I desperately needed to know that what I am doing for God is making a difference.

I most definitely can’t change my past; but I can make sure that my future is much brighter. With God in control and not Donna, life is and will continue to be amazing.

Now the story continues……. Last week I shared with you that I married for the third time to a very precious man that deserved so much more than what he received. He is a good man that I did not respect as I should have. Not saying that he was perfect and without fault; it’s just the fact that I wasn’t ready to be married and in doing so I played a huge part in damaging lives. When I ended last week, I told you that trying to defend my husband against his daughter I almost hit her for calling me a _ _ _ Bitch. But I also said that out of respect for him as my husband, head of the house and her father I should have allowed him to handle it. I am not proud of who I was back then with my childish behavior that I displayed at times. But God can transform a person’s heart and create beauty from those dirty stinky ashes. Praise God I am not who I use to be!

****Ezekiel 11:19(ESV)”And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh,

****Ezekiel 36:26 (ESV) “And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.

Our marriage didn’t start out bad; except when I left him at the church on our wedding night, that was extremely bad. We were actually happy and loved one another when we first got married. And when I moved to Richlands he was concerned about my former contacts so he asked me to change my email address and telephone number. I did all of this as he asked because I thought it was the right thing to do; however he never changed any of his. But my life turned completely upside down after I got sick, and our first year together was rough but we were ok. We managed to get through things that came our way. Each year got a little more difficult. And in our second year of marriage my anger, bitterness and depression had grown until I was in a pit so deep I never thought I could get out of it. As my marriage fell apart, the relationship with my step-daughter completely a wreck and my relationship with my own daughter was beginning to be out of sync as I was falling into a deep dark depression. It overtook my life to the point where I hated myself, my daughter, my husband, just everyone. I wanted nothing to do with anybody and had reached a point at one time that I didn’t even want to leave the house and was afraid to drive. I was at an all-time low. I actually wanted to die and had basically given up on life.

While my pain increased in my physical body it affected my mental health too. Three surgeries, menopause, fibromyalgia, restless leg syndrome, arthritis, degenerative disk disease, irritable bowel syndrome, severe depression and anxiety and a marriage on the rocks; I had no control over what was going on and I was so bitterly angry! Mad at the world, I felt I had been dealt a bad hand. Truth was my own decisions and choices had gotten me exactly where I was!

I think everything that had happened in my past and never learning how to deal with rejection and anger really played a big part in what was going on. My best friends telling me I wasn’t good enough and dumping me in elementary school and being bullied then the abuse I had endured had some lasting effects. Then being a single mom and in control of everything for so many years, it was difficult letting go of being the one in charge. So, when things went spinning out of control in my life; I tried holding on any way possible including being manipulative. Little did I realize I was pushing him away which created a cycle of feeling rejected, deep depression, more pain, and more anger. It was a vicious cycle of pain leading to anger and depression, then the depression and pain leading to even more anger that became like a time bomb ticking in me.

Our home had become a hell with no one getting along as there was so much disrespect displayed in that house towards one another. I was tired of living in so much turmoil and I couldn’t even see the pain that my daughter was in. It wasn’t just me with issues, she was being treated unfairly in the home to the point where she was inducing self-harm. But I was so out of it; I didn’t have a clue. It was during this time that I was going to college at night and doing online classes. I had a break from everything; but she was still there in it. Needless to say the arguing wasn’t just between my ex and myself as my daughter was left there hearing my ex and his daughter argue. Praise God for He kept my daughter alive during her self-harm. I can’t go into her testimony but she will at some point soon.

Living in a home where no one will talk to you as they walk past you was extremely tough. We lived under the same roof but we didn’t operate as a family; shoot we didn’t even operate as friends. Married but all alone, I felt more alone than I did when I was single. I just wanted my husband to love me and I felt like I was in competition. However, now I realize I can’t blame him for not wanting to be around me; I had put him in a very terrible position and I know I was disrespectful to him.  He felt like he had to choose between his daughter and me because she didn’t want any part of me for I had come in and things had changed. Although I wasn’t ready for marriage in the beginning; once we were married I was excited as I thought now I had two more daughters and I wanted us to be family. I had always wanted a big family! Didn’t quite work out that way; they had one mom and one mom was all they wanted!

My ex looked at me one day and told me I was crazy and so did his daughter. At that time I didn’t think so but honestly I had lost my mind. With everything going on and all the arguing all the time my nerves were completely shot! I was a complete wreck!!! The doctor had put me on so much medication and I had become addicted. One medication led to another as the side effects keep increasing another medication had to cover the side effects of another. I had given up and just wanted to be put somewhere or die. I reached an all-time low when I went in for psychological testing. I manipulated the answers on some of those questions so that it would appear I was worse than I really was. I wanted my husbands sympathy so bad and thought perhaps he would care if he thought I really had a problem as he had told me that all of my pain was in my head. Praise God regardless of what I did the test still turned out ok! God was in control and watching out for me! As I have said I am not proud of things I did and no I am not crazy. However, at that time my buttons had been pushed to the max and I was on the verge of a total breakdown. Third marriage, I didn’t want a third divorce! I felt like a complete failure and I couldn’t fix it and I wanted to fix our family and be a family, all of us!

What hurt me really bad was when he told me that I had waited until we were married to get sick! Like I had planned it! Wow, that hurt because if I could have had my way about it I most definitely wouldn’t have chosen what I had to go through. I know now that he never meant what he said; he was hurt and I realize we all say things that we don’t mean when we are hurt and angry when we react in the flesh. I know that I did and I hurt him tremendously. During all of this I had applied for disability due to all my sicknesses but God knew better and had a greater plan as it was denied.

After 2 years of living in such devastation, Samantha found out about a Walk the Line lock-in that was to take place in Beulaville and she begged to go. Thank God, I took her and her friend Heidi. It was there that she gave her life to God and then she started walking to church. When she started singing in the choir she asked me to go hear her sing; after a while she asked me to join her in the choir because she knew my love of singing. It’s after this that I accepted Christ into my life and she and I both were baptized the same day.

I thought once I gave my life to God and was baptized that life would be perfect. As a new Christian I had a lot to learn!

Join me next week as this story continues:

May All the Glory, Honor and Praise be to Our Heavenly Father!

Much Love To You All,

Donna

 

 

 

 

 

 

Third Time Isn’t a Charm

I think it’s much easier to put the blame on someone else when things go wrong in our life. But the truth is usually the one we should blame is the one looking back at us in the mirror; as we are responsible for our own actions and reactions and must take responsibility for such. I have learned that if I don’t seek God’s will and ask Him, then I will make the wrong choices as my life testimony has shown you.

As I sit here and think about my life and the way I see the youth longing to have a partner; I realize I was exactly the same way. However, I thought I had to have someone in my life and was doing whatever it took to find him. I didn’t know that we as women shouldn’t be chasing after the guy. But I thank God for my pastors for I have learned a lot in church and in studies that I have done. Girls just remember you are not the pursuer; you are to be pursued!

I am really praying that my testimony opens the eyes of many and that they be saved from a tragic marriage all because they didn’t seek God’s will for their life. Back in March when I wrote “The Dance of Darkness” I ended with telling you that Samantha had been wanting a daddy extremely bad. And I told you that through online chat rooms and night clubs I had met many people. However, when someone would become interested I tried to find something wrong with them because I didn’t want them to get close enough to see that deep rooted anger that I had. And I was manipulative, childish and threatened suicide when things didn’t go my way. I realize now that I never learned how to deal with rejection, criticism and my feelings of not being good enough. Growing up poor and being picked on in school was difficult and then when my best friends dumped me I really felt like I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t know at that time that my worth was not based off of what man thought but who I am in Christ. But this was before I knew God. And as you know at 15 years old I went through the motions; but never walked the walk…. I was on the run from God.

Living in Potters Hill when Samantha was about 10 years old; a very precious man came into our lives and he was so persistent. I tried my best to run him off and he kept coming back; wouldn’t take no for an answer. Samantha loved him so very much and he loved her and took up so much time with her. But his daughters were a different story as I could tell they were not so welcoming towards me. I know that their dad had been their world since their mom died. It was difficult but he assured me that the girls were away at college and they were fine with him dating me. I just never felt like I was good enough for them and felt they didn’t think I was either.

It was a world wind romance; getting engaged after about 5 months of dating. However, when we discussed the wedding I wanted to wait a year and he didn’t. He was in a hurry and wanted to get married soon. I knew that I wasn’t ready, but I listened to everyone tell me how much he must love me because when I tried to run him off he kept coming back. So we found a house and started remodeling. Working all day, planning a wedding, painting at nights and weekends wore me out. He had no idea of the medical issues that I had, but in December the house was ready and we moved in. In January we were married and little did we know that our lives were about to get turned upside down.

We had no honeymoon because it was an extremely cold winter and the week before our wedding the pipes had frozen and burst at the place we were suppose to stay. The wedding was beautifully planned from the icicles lights to snowflakes with a snowflake wedding cake. However, when you have too many hands in anything something is bound to go wrong and the way everything happened that night I should have known from the start it was going to be a struggle. After the wedding it was time for our dances and all the fun festivities. But when we went to change into more comfortable clothing someone decided to start cleaning up. Wedding cake got thrown into the trash, we didn’t even get a slice and we never finished out festivities. But since everything got trashed we decided to pack it up and just got home.

It was cold and raining and we had not driven out together to the church. So when I got into the Toyota ready for home, I forgot to wait for one very important thing before Samantha and I left! Yep!! I left the groom at the church! When he realized I was gone; he was already locked out of the building and it was freezing and pouring rain. When I drove up into the driveway at home I said “oh crap”! Samantha asked me what was wrong and I told her I left my husband at the church! I immediately realized he had brought his vehicle home at some point and I didn’t know it. My parents had followed me home to take items from the wedding so I sent my dad to pick him up. Boy I felt like a dog and I could never live that one down. I can only imagine now how he must have felt!

Being married was an adjustment since I had been alone for almost 10 years. Trying to get use to someone being around all the time was a little tough but I was happy to be married and have someone with me. I knew that I married too quickly but I was going to try my best. A few weeks after our wedding one morning I got up and couldn’t use my right arm. All the painting that we had done had caused extreme pain in my arm, neck and shoulder. After being referred to several specialist; I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis, the neurologist said my spine looked like a 7o something year olds, and I had bone spurs and disk herniation’s. Now here I am not able to go to work for a while, newly married, dealing with pain, being put on medications for the pain, going to physical therapy, then to pain management for steroid injections. At first it was my lower back; then after my back surgery and issues flared up again I had to have the injections in my neck. But anyway with everything going on I was put on several medications that I eventually got hooked on. But before that let me back up. During the time I was trying to find out what was going on and trying to get well. It was about a year before they ever did the first surgery trying to keep from operating. I was depressed, going through menopause, gaining weight due to the steroids, and just extremely unhappy as I was so use to being able to be on the go. Needless to say my depression had an effect on him and I wasn’t the most pleasant of people when I was hurting.

My then youngest step-daughter dropped out of college and begged to come home. I gave her my mobile home to live in and she stayed there for a while but soon she was in our home. I could feel the tension; the jealousy and it was difficult especially since I was sick. However, I know now that I didn’t’ make things any easier for us. I was selfish and wanted him all to myself and didn’t want to share. But unfortunately I felt that is exactly how his girls felt too. And I understand it now because he was all they had since their mom died when then were young. I didn’t understand at that time. I had a vision of how marriage was to be and it wasn’t going that way. Reality is a lot different from what we can dream up.

There was an incident that took place and he was being cussed at by his daughter and I didn’t like it so I took up for him. Not wanting to see her talk ugly to him, I intervened and almost hit her when she called me a _ _ _ Bitch. As head of the house and her father and out of respect for both of them I should have allowed him to handle it. I was wrong and I am not proud of what I did by no means. This was the start of a difficult few years as I had put him in a difficult position between his daughter and myself. I was an adult but I sure didn’t act like it as you will see as my story continues next week. He is a good man with beautiful girls but there was a lot I just didn’t understand at that time and my anger grew even deeper!

Praise God I am not who I use to be!

****Ephesians 5:21 (NIV) Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

****Colossians 3:18-19 (AMP) Wives, be subject to your husbands (out of respect for their position as protector, and their accountability to God) as is proper and fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives (with an affectionate, sympathetic, selfless love that always seeks the best for them) and do not be embittered or resentful toward them (because of the responsibilities of marriage).

****Philippians 2:4 (AMP) Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.

To God Be All The Glory, Forever!….Amen!

XOXOXO,

Donna

 

Mother (A Poem for my Mama in Honor of Her on Mother’s Day)

MOTHER

M is for the moments you held me tight showing mercy, grace & love even when I didn’t act right.

O is for the times I was oblivious but yet  you loved me still as I never want to forget.

T is for teaching me about working hard and giving me advice so I could stand strong & to support myself in this life.

H is for helping me when I couldn’t help myself; for holding my hand to gently guide me along and teaching me to stand.

E is for every moment that you encouraged me to do my best without your pep talks and shoulder to cry on when I was just a child I wouldn’t know how to encourage the rest.

R is for the Respect due you that I often have failed to give for your beauty shines through with every day that you live!

You are truly an amazing Mom; a wonderful person! God knew I would be difficult and hard to handle so He blessed me with a strong, loving and beautiful woman to handle me. I am definitely not the perfect daughter; but thank you for giving birth to me and raising me the best you could. I am truly thankful and blessed to have you as my Mother!  I Love You Mama! 

 

May God watch over you day & night and fill you with an everlasting joy, peace and love that you so deserve.                      

I Love You to Heaven & Back Forever & Ever!

Your Daughter, Donna

****Proverbs 31:25 (NIV) She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

****Exodus 20:12 (NIV) “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.”    

 ****Ephesians 6:2 (NIV) “Honor your father and mother” -which is the first commandant with a promise

Happy Mother’s Day!

XOXOXO,

Donna

@truelovewalk.com

 

The Raging War Within – Part 2

My hopes and desires as I share with you is that God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit receive all the glory. And that my sharing will help you to understand the attacks of satan are real and that we have all the power over him. But we must remember that in the midst of the storm; God is our refuge and He is our avenger. As we draw neigh to God and hide His word in our hearts; we learn to use the authority we have been given to command satan to get behind thee in Jesus name.  Jesus was tempted and we will be too, for we are no better than our teacher; the key is to not bend, stay focused keeping those strong roots and use the weapons of our warfare.     2 Corinthians 10

In a recent church sermon; Doctor Barclay stated that the devil will chase us to our graves. The spiritual world is real. And satan says that we will be back with him due to the fact that many Christians have denied that the devil is real and they are out in the world again. Satan sends his demons to steal our money, our health, our family, our friends, our ministry, etc. The demons job is to pound us like sifting wheat to discourage us and cause us to abandon our walk with God. Satan will pull any trick possible to deceive and seduce us to break a hedge; therefore giving him permission to come into our life to break us and our family.

Last week I shared with you that the fiery darts of the enemy were out to destroy my walk with God. And that there were three confirmations that I received before I knew I was to definitely speak at the revival. The first confirmation was on the day I was asked to speak (March 14th) at 5:41 pm my friend Keith posted on Facebook “It is time for you to ARISE and to walk in that which I have called you to walk in, Know that I have called you for such a time as this, Thus saith the Lord”. The second confirmation was a picture on Facebook stating,  “Stop talking yourself our of your Blessings” because I was scared and didn’t want to speak. Then on Thursday morning (March 16th) I read 2 Timothy 4:1-5…. “Preach the Word”. Once I got to work on Thursday, I looked at my devotional calendar for Sunday’s date (March 19th – the day I would give my testimony) and it read: “God has great plans for you. He has important things He wants you to do. And He is preparing you for your destiny right now. But you have to take steps of obedience in order to get there. And you have to trust that He knows the way and wont hurt you in the process.” Wow, has He not let me know that I am to move forward or what?!!  So I wrote Mr. Clifton and agreed to speak at the revival, then I became really sick causing me to miss church that night and work on Friday. I was in bed all day Friday and Saturday then on Sunday morning  still sick and unable to sleep; I woke up at 4:00 am. I prayed and started reading in the Bible. Then when I looked on Facebook I saw a post that read, “It’s working in your favor. You may not see it yet but a way is being made. Mind blowing blessings are on the way. Expect doors to be opened!” (@TonyGaskins). Those blessings were on the way that night as people were set free from bondage after hearing my testimony.

I definitely knew I was to speak at that revival at Community Church. But as I said afterwards those fiery darts came bountifully. I missed church several times due to sickness; even having to have someone cover the nursery for me one day. Then someone tried to convince me that my beliefs were wrong and that my standards were too high. They stated that they had studied theology and that marriage was nothing more than a piece of paper. In their belief sex was ok as long as two people truly loved one another. When I refused to agree with their beliefs it was almost as if every other area of my life was attacked.  I was told that I was trying to earn my way into Heaven by being good. And I felt as if I was being put down for everything that I had been doing for God due to comments that were made. After a few weeks of hearing this; I started to question everything that I was doing. Had God really called me to work in the nursery, to write or be a part of Emerge Ministries!?? I wasn’t sure anymore and could not think straight or function normally. My mind was clouded and I was stressed and overwhelmed.  It seemed I could do nothing right! I had started to believe the lies of the enemy and I broke that hedge with my doubts of who God had called me to be and what I was to do for Him.

The next thing that happened was I wrote a blog post titled “Desiring to Be Loved in the Brokenness.” With that particular post I failed to pray before I wrote it or even before I published it as I was babysitting that weekend and was in a hurry and I wasn’t the most pleasant of persons. I lost my cool when I was writing it. Since then, I remembered something Pastor Joyce has always told me; “If it is of God then there will be peace”. There was no peace that night for me and that post was hurtful to my parents. A comment that I had included appeared as if I wasn’t loved as a child and that is far from the truth as my parents have always loved me. People show love in different ways but people want to be shown in different ways. However the wording in that post came across wrong.  I never meant to hurt anyone; but the enemy came in and caused chaos within my family. My mom was so hurt that it took over a week before she could talk to me and I don’t blame her. Not having her talk to me was extremely devastating. And now I realize all of this was an attack to bring me down; and down I was.

Two days after the post an incident happened at work and to this day I still do not know what happened. My co-worker was extremely snappy towards me when I spoke to her and she became very distant from me the rest of the week. I don’t have a clue as to what was up, but that week was extremely rotten and a lot of fiery darts were being thrown my way by satan and his demons.  With so much going on my body tensed up causing pain all over and anxiety and depression was beginning to overtake me. I felt as if I was not going to be able to continue with anything. I wanted to walk away from my job and completely give up on writing this blog and writing for Emerge Ministries. I knew I was dying mentally, emotionally and spiritually and reached out in a text for prayer to two very precious ladies in my life.  Praise God the next week was a much needed spring break. God gave me time to be alone to repent, refocus and return to my secret place with Him.

…..Exodus 20:12 (NLT) – “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.

However, before spring break could hit I spoke with a friend on the phone in whom I cried on. They were trying to explain to me to not take stuff personal and not allow people to get to me; but sensitive me don’t work that way. However, I think what upset me the most is when I told them my mom wouldn’t talk to me; they didn’t wait to hear that it was my fault. The term used was “screw them” and to me this is so wrong on so many levels. The Fifth Commandant says we are to honor our parents so of course I didn’t agree with my friend but said nothing; instead I gave it to God and prayed. But then again as I said, my friend didn’t wait to hear what had happened. I know they had my best interest at heart and I understand this now. But I have come to realize that sometimes when we desire to help others; we may be too quick to speak and perhaps we (myself included) need to listen more.  So dealing with this and everything else, I was a complete and total wreck.

….Matthew 12:37 – “For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.”

Spring break week arrived and I spent time outside and at the beach. God and I had many conversations that week and things started looking better. My mom called me back after I left her a message and I went to visit her. Returning to work the next week; things were fine and dandy between my co-worker and myself and have been since. Out of all the 7 1/2 years I have been there; this was the first time anything like this had happened. But when one thing doesn’t go satan’s way then he tries another as he has attacked my health and my pocketbook. But praise God for He made a way!

I declare the manifestation of healing to my body for I was healed over 2,000 years ago. God says in Mark 5:34 that my faith has made me whole in Jesus Name, Amen!

When satan hits your finances, health, family and ministry; he is testing your faith and your foundation in Christ. My riding mower tore up but my awesome nephew and brother repaired it for me. Then my AC went out on my 2004 Toyota Highlander but praise God one window will still roll down.  It went out after I spoke with the Impact Girls (young girls) group at church about the importance of prayer. And I explained to them how Samantha’s prayers at such an early age were used to change my life and lead me to salvation; affording me a personal relationship with my Heavenly Father. And that if she had not prayed for me, I would not be here today.

Satan came after my finances when I had to pay for my home AC repair, increase in insurance and lawn mower repair;  but God provided! Then Samantha was blessed with a full time position in her dream job. God still providing!  Satan’s attacks were physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, with relationships including family, friends, ministry and work. Although things were extremely tough during this time, it’s ok because within a month I grew in God, standing on His Word in faith. The enemy tried to get me off the course that God has for me because he wants only to destroy me. He just hasn’t realized he is a defeated foe.

I may have had clouded perception and fell for a moment; but praise God I realized the trick of the enemy before he completely destroyed me. I’ve grown in Christ and was able to stand on the Word and keep myself pure; the old me would have never realized what was happening. I praise God for He carried me through the storms and I came out stronger and wiser. Through all of this my mind was clouded but praise God I realized the attack of the enemy and didn’t spiral down as I had in the past but I got back up, quickly! Having God in or out of our life can make a  difference, just as the difference is in night and day.

The scriptures I spoke over myself after I realized I was under spiritual attack are:

Ephesians 6:16 – I can quench all the fiery darts of the enemy with the shield of faith.

Philippians 4:13 – I can do all things through Christ Jesus.

James 1:22,25 – I am a doer of the Word and blessed in my actions.

1 Corinthians 6:19 – I am the temple of the Holy Spirit, I am not my own.

Deuteronomy 28:13 – I am the head and not the tail; I am above only and not beneath.

Deuteronomy 28:15-68  & Galatians 3:13 – I am redeemed from the curse of sin, sickness, and poverty.

Colossians 2:7 – I am firmly rooted built up, established in my faith and overflowing with gratitude.

Psalm 66:8 & 2 Timothy 1:9 – I am called of God to be the voice of His Praise.

Isaiah 53:5 & 1 Peter 2:24 – I am healed by the strips of Jesus.

James 4:7 – I am submitted to God, and the devil flees from me because I resist him in the name of Jesus.

2 Timothy 1:7 – For god has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, love and a sound mind.

Galatians 2:20 – It is not I who live but Christ lives in me.

Sharing such intimate details of my life is extremely difficult. However, I pray that with me being real and being so transparent that it will show you that even a seasoned Christian can fall prey to the schemes of the enemy. We must stay in the Word and communicate with our Father to keep that personal relationship intimate. Do not allow the things of this world to keep you so busy that you loose focus of what is important! With all that I have shared now you see that for over a month the raging war within was a battle of the spirits. Satan once again tried to stop me by distracting me……But God!!!

Ephesians 6:12 (AMP)- For our struggle is not against flesh and blood [contending only with physical opponents], but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this [present] darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly [supernatural] places.

To God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit be All the Glory!

Much Love to you all,

Donna

Remember God Loves You! (John 3:16)

The Raging War Within – Part 1

Just as God provides for the birds of the air, He provides for me. He is my shelter in the storms as I am safely wrapped in His arms and He carries me when I feel I can’t go on. The past month I have had many days that I felt I could not go on.  And I have discovered that not everyone believes in the spiritual warfare that is around us. Attacks are real, but we do not wrestle against flesh and blood but against powers of darkness. And the more we do for our Father; the angrier satan gets and will send those fiery darts to try to take us down.  It’s not people that we battle against but the dark forces of evil in a spiritual realm. As you have most likely noticed I haven’t written in the blog in a few weeks. I have been in the midst of a spiritual battle.

*****Ephesians 6:12-13 – For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

When I started this blog, I did so because God put me on assignment to be His hands, voice, and feet to show others that He is real and desires a personal relationship with them. And my hearts desire is to continue to please God with all that I am. Not only is this assignment to glorify God but He has used this to open my eyes and to heal me from my past so that I may become that mighty warrior that He is calling me to be. I praise God that I am not that person that I use to be; however I am still not where I want to be but God is making me.

It was March 14th my mama’s birthday, I was sick and left work early. While driving home I received a message from Mr. Clifton to call him that he needed to talk to me. So I immediately called him and he asked me to speak at the revival at the Community Church. He told me that he had read my blog and that others need to hear my testimony. Scared to death, I told him that I would pray about it.  I was reluctant because I don’t like to be seen; and I do not like standing in front of people; not to mention I have never stood in front of a church full of people sharing such intimate details of my life. The only thing remotely close was when I shared a small part of my testimony with a small group of women years ago.

Still sick the next day, I stayed home from work and slept all day. But on Thursday I was feeling better and went to work. However from Tuesday to Thursday; I received three conformations so I knew I was suppose to share my testimony. I sent Mr. Clifton a message that day and agreed to speak so he shortly let me know that Sunday night was open. I accepted and then almost immediately I got extremely sick with flu like symptoms. I missed work again on Friday, and then Saturday and Sunday I was still not well. Missing church service Sunday morning; I was determined satan was not going to stop me from speaking because now I knew that is exactly what he was trying to do. I told Samantha I was going to go speak even if I had to share and leave immediately.

The drive to Community Church was a rough one as satan started speaking his lies. Fear overcame me and satan was whispering to me that I wasn’t good enough to stand in front of that church behind that pulpit. I almost turned around and went home but I just couldn’t. We reached the church and went inside. Then Judy and Terry came in and sat with Samantha and myself. Trying to not appear afraid; God spoke to Judy and told her to pray with me and give me a message. With praise and worship music playing; she pointed for me to meet her at the back of the church. When I met her there; she asked was I scared. I said “Yes”! But then she told me that God told her to tell me to not be afraid that I can’t mess up because it was His story. Then she prayed with me that a peace would over take me.  This peace didn’t happen at that moment; but just as soon as I stood behind that pulpit and I started to open my mouth; there was such a great peace. I didn’t stutter nor was I nervous at all. The Holy Spirit just flowed as my testimony came out.

Once I finished and sat down I realized the reason I had to speak. More than what I had put into my blog came out that night. Several people stood up to thank me for sharing because the first young lady had held bitterness and anger towards her mom for a long time. She told me that just seeing the love between Samantha and myself and how much Samantha loves me even with all the hell that I had put her through; gave her the strength to forgive her mom just that night. She was at peace and was free from the bondage that she had been under of unforgiveness and said she was going to see her mom the next day. And she said that things were going to be different from that day forward.

Another young lady, my dear friend stood up and said she thought she was alone in being bitterly angry and hateful to her daughter for many years. She realized that night that we don’t have to carry that guilt and shame; that we can use our story to help others as we thank God for forgiving and changing us. Another woman asked me to keep her daughter in prayer as she was going through an abusive marriage. Then three different men stood up and thanked me for sharing and told me to keep holding on to God and that He will send me that special man that He chooses; to never lose faith. They too had been through divorce; but when they trusted God he sent them beautiful God fearing women.

*****Psalm 37:4 (NIV) Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

The next four weeks was a battle from hell as one fiery dart after another came. Between being sick and missing church, being criticized for believing the word of God and keeping my moral standards high; upsetting my parents and causing mama to not want to talk for a few days, and  a coworker talking cross to me and me not having any idea why; I was almost at the end of my rope. I felt a depression starting to overtake me. I felt I was dying physically, however I was dying mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Satan was on a mission to stop me from doing for God.

Join me next time as I continue this story and share with you how God saved me.

Remember God Loves You and So Do I !!

To God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit be all the Glory!

XOXOXO,

Donna

Righteous Prayer Needed

In James 5:16 It says to, “Confess your trespasses to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.”  With this being said I am asking that you all pray for me. I have allowed things to pull me away from writing this blog that God asked me to write. I am praying for clarity of heart and mind that I can hear the Holy Spirit and continue writing for my Father so that He may be glorified!  

God Loves You & So Do I ! 

To God Be The Glory Always!

Much Love To You All ,

Donna

 

 

Desiring To Be Loved In The Brokenness

I’ve always heard it takes a village to raise a child and recently I have seen just that. I’ve missed a week of posting but I now understand why; as I needed to watch and listen. This post is completely off my testimony path but kinda ties in with the beginning of the rest of my story. Since giving my testimony at Community Church Revival a few weeks ago; I have been under a huge attack from Satan not only physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually. But God reminded me this morning that if there wasn’t something huge that I am being used for, then the enemy wouldn’t be fighting me so hard. I just have to remind the enemy who I am and that he is defeated. God also brought to mind that in a search for love; the only true love is of God and that we all want the approval and love of a Father.

The past week has been extremely eye opening to me. My heart has broken for many reasons;  but one being for kids who are just desiring to be loved. Acting out, rebellious, angry, bitter, and defiant; this is so heart breaking  because this is exactly how I remember myself being as a child and it followed me into adulthood. I know I wasn”t the peefect child and still have faults. However my wonderful parents are still together, and I know they have always loved me but I guess I needed to hear it. And I honestly don’t remember hearing it until after my first divorce. Not saying they never did, I just dont remember hearing it.People show love in different ways and my parents are amazing parents who had a rebellious daughter and it was probably difficult to show love or tell me, or perhaps I just didn’t listen. But God creates beauty from ashes.

However reflecting about kids this really tugged at my heart. It reminded me of when Samantha was young and I was so impatient with her. I’ve seen the  pain and heartache in children’s eyes;  just longing for love and acceptance. Most of these I’ve watched have been children of single parent families and the child is reaching out for love from the opposite parent that isn’t with them. Just as my own daughter did and has as she has grown up. She just wanted a daddy’s love and mommy’s too, as my life was preoccupied a lot of the time with fulfilling my desires. We as parents can be some selfish people!

Just this past weekend I was so touched as to things I witnessed. One precious little boy desiring to have the love of a mother was so excited when I gave him attention and just simply spent time with him. This thrilled him so much that before leaving me he gave me hugs and said ever so sweetly “I love you”. This totally and completely melted my heart!

Then as I watched a sweet little three year being defiant as she fought sleep. In the arms of someone she just met that day; I watched him speak ever so gently and calmly to her as she finally fell asleep. But not before she hit him about 30 times;  patience and persistence paid off.  I so admired the patience he had with her and realized that this is exactly what kids need. The next day this sweet child ran straight to his arms desiring to be held just as soon as he arrived at my house. She so longs for a fathers love.

Crying is what I heard almost everyday for a week. Saturday with the precious 3 year old, Sunday in the church nursery, then at work this past week. You’ve already heard about the 3 year old so let me tell you the rest. In the church nursery was a new child desiring to be with her mom; she did not want to stay. However, we knew that with patience and persistence eventually she will get use to being with the other kids and away from mom. If we gave in she would never learn to stay. Then at work I’ve seen children in trouble and brought up to the office because of one reason or another. But on Monday this one child really struck me as he cried. I watch him all the time coming and going, and basically a sweet child but parents aren’t together. Then this week God brought back a little girl that moved away about 2 years ago. Such a sweet girl who I’ve been praying for and wondering if she were ok. Her home life was one that was broken to the point she didn’t want to live, so you can imagine how excited I was to look up and see her. 

From all of this, God has shared with me that even my own childs brokenness was because of me. The choices I made affected her. My inability to display patience and being a train wreck myself; made it difficult to be the mother God wanted me to be. And I was running from God! It’s a ripple effect. If we don’t have ourself together and are constantly bringing new people in and out of our kids lives; then they never see stability. They only experience loss after loss and afraid that eventually everyone is going to leave them.

Samantha was already fearful enough from loosing her daddy, that I didn’t want her to get attached to everyone that came along. We have to protect our kids! To them it becomes an expectation that nothing is to stay the same and everyone who I love will leave me.  But what are we teaching our kids!? Certainly not what God says we should. Kids need stability and know that not everyone is going to leave them. There little minds can get so confused when parents are not persistent, patient, and stable. They learn by example; we are their role-models. What are we teaching them?! When we the parents are inconsistent; why would we expect our kids to be anything other than what we are!

Lonely, broken, depressed, bitter, angry, etc. I  desired love and so wanted Samantha to have that daddy she so longed for. Although I met many men; Samantha didn’t!  Thank God I only exposed her to just a few; not bringing them all to my home. I haven’t been the best mom or the best role model but she knows that God has transformed me. Although I am still not perfect and will not be until God decides to take me home. I still battle some days when I fail to give it all to God.

Monday night Samantha and I were talking and I ask her why kids are so terrified that people were not coming back. She told me that for her; she didn’t want me out of her sight when she was young because everyone else she got close too left. Her dad bounced in and out of her life to the point that she may see him once a year now. And she would love to be able to see him every day. Then she told me that the other two men that came into our lives and she called Daddy; they too walked out and left her. She said, “Mama it hurt that every man I got attached to walked away from me!” She is 23 years old and still feels like her dads  walked out on her. I realized right then that kids have to be protected.

With everyone leaving; the fear is real that the parent that is left will eventually leave and not come back too. Parents what I am trying to say is please protect your babies. Don’t allow everyone you meet to meet your kids. This causes more harm than good. And parents that are separated and divorced; love your kids and show them you love them. Don’t put down or talk negatively about the other parent as your babies are caught in the middle. Find a way to work together and give your kids the best life possible so they don’t go out searching for love in all the wrong places, things or people. They need you to be stable so their life can be too. If you aren’t sure what to do; start with prayer and ask God to come into your life. This is the beginning of a life of love that no one on this earth will ever be able to give you! The best gift you can give your child is an introduction to Christ.

Proverbs 22:6 – Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it.

I have shared from my heart today and I pray that this helps someone!

Join me next week when I return to my life testimony.

Much Love To You All,

XOXOXO

Donna

 

The Dance of Darkness

In a Facebook post this week I saw a picture that read “If you’re not lighting any candles, then don’t complain about being in the dark.” This got me to thinking about all the darkness that was in my life at one time. I sure wasn’t lighting any candles to brighten my way. If anything I was blowing them out; more like burying them as I ran from God. I allowed such doom and gloom into my life; not only affecting me but my precious daughter and everyone that tried to love me.

Just recently we had a prophetic night of worship at church and a very precious friend said, “Forgiveness is the hardest thing you can do and the most strongest thing you can do.” These words are so very powerful! A long and difficult journey it has been; but I have finally been able to forgive not only others, but myself.

As I think back over my life there were many times I just couldn’t seem to find it in me to forgive anyone. Angry and depressed I wanted to place the blame on everyone else for all the injustice in my life. The truth is, my own choices had a huge part of me being where I was. And not learning at an early age how to handle rejection and anger, put me on an uphill battle. The strongest thing I could have done was forgiven those early in life that hurt me so deeply, learned how to accept the negative from others and deal with my own demons. Easier said than done; as it has taken me totally submitting myself to Christ to do this. I was never able to do so even with the psychiatrist help. But God! The one thing I have realized is that as I grew up, I found it harder to forgive myself than to forgive others. I have been my own worst critic. 

Ephesians 4:32 – And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.

Ezekiel 36:26 (NLT) And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.

Anger, bitterness and unforgiveness can wreak havoc on a body. In 1996 Samantha and I were involved in a rear-end collision. This wreck and the pain afterwards was the onset of many years of sickness and three operations. While living in Potters Hill on top of the anxiety, depression, anger and panic attacks I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome,  High Blood Pressure, Fibromyalgia and my back would lock up due to injury from the wreck. I had 9 vertebrae that had been moved out of alignment from my neck down from the wreck. And even after chiropractic care I still had trouble. On top of being extremely depressed and angry about my life I now had to deal with all of this. I wanted so much more for my daughter than to be a single mom who was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. The only way I knew how to cope was to bury it in a bottle, smoke cigarettes and adult pleasure; but that just brought on more troubles of its own.

I wanted to move away thinking that a change of scenery would change my life; but Samantha didn’t want to leave her grandparents. I was basically trying to just run from my problems. It was idiotic of me to think that moving would solve my issues! So  I decided I would go to college at night while I worked at Nationwide Insurance during the day. Mr. Benny (associate agent) had encouraged me to go to school to get my degree and then have a chance at bettering the life’s of Samantha and myself. I registered and was awarded financial aid to cover the cost. However, with my parents work schedules it was not convenient for them to keep Samantha while I was in school. And they didn’t really see the need for me to receive a college education as I was working at Nationwide. I was very upset and once again, I felt like a failure and couldn’t seem to find a way to make our life’s better. If only I would have listened to my child and just took her to church, but no I was still running from God!

Samantha wanted a daddy so badly. She was picked on by the kids on the school bus for not having a daddy at home. I remember for Christmas all she would ask for was a daddy; she would say “Mommy I want Santa Claus to bring me a daddy for Christmas!” This broke my heart and sent me searching anyway possible to find her a father figure. So between going out to the clubs and meeting people from online chat rooms I met many people. But as soon as anyone started to get close; I would push them away. Finding anything that I could wrong to not get close to them. I knew I had issues that I needed to deal with and didn’t want them to see my anger. Unfortunately, after running many off it didn’t work for one very persistent man.

To God Be The Glory, Forever!

Join me next week when this story continues and all hell starts to break loose.

Much Love To You All!

Donna

Check out my newest blog for God with Emerge Ministries at emerge4unity.org

Making or Breaking My Child

The past few weeks have been extremely emotional for me. I have witnessed many things that God has used to remind me of where I was many years ago. This blog is a healing journey for me and as I have mentioned many times; my prayer is that though my trials, others will be helped. God is definitely on the move as I know healing allows me to grow. And as I continue to pour my heart out; just know I am so thankful that I am not who I once was. I am still not perfect; but I am chosen, loved, and redeemed! I am His!

The deep dark secrets that we try to hide are the very things that Satan uses to keep us bound. God sees everything so there is no need to try to hide them as we are only hurting ourselves. These deep secrets are the things that have kept me bound for years. We allow others to see what we want them to see; but the proof is in the pudding so to speak. What is happening behind closed doors? It is behind these closed doors that things wreak havoc on a little kids life!

The past few weeks I have seen children completely devastated by the way their parents have talked to and treated them. One little girl was blamed and told it was her fault for not telling her mom and dad about the time of an activity. They are the adults and in charge; so why must they blame her? Another child fell completely apart when she overheard her mom say that the other kids were the good kids. Hurtful words destroy little souls!  Then at a local restaurant, a waitress was new and learning and bless her heart she spilled tea all over my nephews cell phone. She was terrified and cried because it upset her so bad. She just knew she was going to be cussed at and perhaps lose her job. After that she was very timid; I approached her and told her it was ok, accidents happen and I gave her a hug. Her frown changed to a smile with tears in her eyes as she said, “You are so sweet,  bless you.” My old self would have totally destroyed this young lady. The actions and reactions that we have affect our children so much. Our words can encourage and help them grow or totally destroy them to the point they need professional help.

Being a single mom is extremely tough, but we can do it without destroying our children. I sure wish I would have know then what I realize now. But I was only living day to day thinking of what I wanted most of the time. I tried to say I was doing things for Samantha such as trying to find someone to marry so she would have a daddy. But the truth was I felt like I had to have someone in my life in order to be someone.  However my anger, depression, hopelessness, and panic attacks were all self-induced and kept people from wanting me. And once I finally realized what was going on with me; I was afraid to get close to anyone. Because I didn’t want anyone else to see the angry me, as I didn’t know how to control it. So when someone became interested and tried to get close; I would push them away.  I didn’t know how life was suppose to be; but I do know that my not knowing caused havoc for my daughter.

Speaking with Samantha this week I asked her what bad things she remembers about her earlier years. And what she said totally broke my heart! She said “Mama you probably ain’t going to like this but I remember when you were mad and you picked me up and shook me”. “And I remember when you and daddy were arguing and you had the knife in your hand.” She also remembers a time when she was about 7 years old, that I was extremely drunk and vomiting while my head was hanging on the side of the toilet and I asked her to pour out my vodka.

These are definitely not the memories I want my child to remember! It totally breaks my heart to know that all her visits and mine to the psychiatrist could have been avoided; if only I had of gotten my act together. It was my fault that she needed help and that I needed it too! My choices affected the both of us!

As parents we have to be mature, responsible role models for our children so that they are able to grow and flourish. I hurt Samantha, physically, mentally and emotionally. Did I mean for it to happen, of course not! But it happened. And it could have been avoided if I had learned how to control my anger by allowing God into my life instead of running all those years. Instead of pursuing God; I was pursuing the things of the world and it almost killed me as I attempted and contemplated suicide several times. Praise God on February 2, 2014 God performed a miracle in my heart and removed that deep-rooted anger that had held me hostage since childhood. It hurts me deeply knowing that my precious daughter has grown up in a home that wasn’t ideal, but God never left her side, nor mine! He makes beauty from our ashes.

Just as the fog and the trees block the light and make it difficult to see the sun; if we have dark things in our life these block our relationship with the Son. These things will suffocate us and block out the blessings and spiritual growth that God so desires for us. Willingness and obedience are key to expansion. It will hurt as we expand, but pain brings good things when we allow God to do the expansion.

Ezekiel 36:26 (NLT) And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.

Micah 6:8 (NLT) -“….. this is what He requires of you, to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.”

Matthew 6:21 – For where your treasure is; there your heart will be also.

As the time changed this weekend for daylight savings; perhaps it’s time to spring forward into the calling on your life. Use the gifts that God has given you to glorify Him! As Pastor Jim always says, “If you have a heartbeat, you have a purpose”!

To God Be The Glory, Forever!

Join me next week when this story continues…..

Much Love To You All!

Donna

Check out my newest blog for God with Emerge Ministries at:  emerge4unity.org

 

 

 

Part 2 -Hell For My Daughter In The Changing Seasons of My Life

Last week was off the chart crazy. It seemed like I was busier and more tired than usual; to the point when I sat on the couch I fell asleep.  Never happens – Not normal! The thing is I had two blogs and a newsletter to write on top of everything else going on. A lot to do in a little time and as a perfectionist I worried it may not be good enough or not what was wanted or needed. God kept telling me to trust Him, and of course I was being a little hard-headed; well perhaps a lot. But He told me that it will all be ok; that it’s in his timing not mine or anyone else’s. Several days last week He reminded me that I need to realize that our timing and His are different. I don’t have to have it all right now, that some things are worth waiting for. The best is yet to come! All I need to do is listen to him as he guides me; being obedient.

I didn’t understand what He was telling me or why I just couldn’t get my post done by my deadline; until this morning. Wow!  The picture you see is the first time I have ever seen the sun just barely rising up in the trees, between the red lights. I drive this way every morning to work and on this morning is when I saw this. God let me know that my post wasn’t ready yesterday because He needed me to see this to give me a message to share. He said, “We have stop lights in our life that keep us from rising to become the men and women that He has created and called us to be.” These stop lights that keep us bound are fear, pride, anxiety, depression, disobedience, family, friends and wrong relationships. I now realize the struggle I was having was like a stop light to keep me from moving forward into the calling God has on my life.

Sometimes life gets very trying for me as a single mom working full time, taking care of life’s responsibilities myself. With yard work, house work, full time job, blogging, ministry, church nursery worker, FCA, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, great aunt, and friend I don’t get much free time. So yes; like everyone else I get tired and last week was one of those that I was allowing the burden’s of life to overtake me. In doing so I became fearful; afraid to move forward for fear of failure. The only failure would have been if I hadn’t tried at all. But as I have heard a lot lately; to get something you’ve never had, you have to do something you’ve never done. So guess what?!  I will keep on keeping on for God as I write both blogs; this one and the one at Emerge4unity.org. I am reminded that all things are possible to those who believe and that I can do all things through Christ who strengthen me.

Mark 9:23 (AMP ) Jesus said to him, “(You say to Me,) If You can? All things are possible for the one who believes and trusts (in Me)!

Philippians 4:13 (AMP) I can do all things (which He has called me to do) through Him who strengthens and empowers me (to fulfill His purpose – I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency; I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him who infuses me with inner strength and confident peace.”)

God had several reasons for me waiting until today to finish this blog post. I needed to be patient and wait on His timing; as patience hasn’t always been a strong suit for me. And I needed to see the sun’s position behind the red stop lights so that He could remind me not to allow fear and anxiety to keep me from rising up and becoming who He has called me to be.

Rise up and become who God created you to be. Don’t allow those stop lights in your life to keep you from moving forward. The best is yet to come! Trust God!

Now my story continues:

Life in Potters Hill was more like an emotional rollercoaster more so than anything. Between my drinking and thinking that I so desperately had to have someone in my life; I stayed rather busy looking for that one. Never realizing that I just needed to heal from the heartache and pain of my life. I didn’t stop to think what I was possibly doing to Samantha. To me she was my child and I was the adult; I could do exactly as I wanted. However, all the while thinking that I was doing the right thing because she so desperately wanted a daddy. But the harder I tried the angrier and more depressed I got. Anger and depression in a mommy is not good for a child.

Drinking only took the pain away as long I was intoxicated, but just as soon as I was sober I felt awful. And guess what!! The same problems I was drinking to drown, were still there waiting on me once I sobered up! There were no simple answers for this rebellious woman, it seemed everything was difficult; perhaps because I made it that way.

Still running from God, Samantha would constantly ask if we could go to church. I didn’t want to be considered a hypocrite by partying on Saturday night and sitting in church on Sunday so I would not take her. I didn’t realize at that time that church was like a hospital; I needed to go to be healed.  So you see, God was working on me then. I knew at that time I was living wrong; but I just wanted to do my own thing, when I wanted too, how I wanted too and look where that got me!

Join me next week as the story continues.

Please keep me in prayer as I continue this story as it will get extremely difficult to share. May God receive the glory for He makes beauty from ashes.

When God calls you to it; He will make a way!

Much Love To You All,

Donna

 

Hell For My Daughter In The Changing Seasons of My Life -Part 1

Just like the sun rises and sets at different times each day; with perhaps just a few seconds difference. Those few seconds of our time can make a world of difference and can affect  someone else or perhaps our own life. God has reminded me this week of the difference that time makes and that we have to slow down and  be patient with others. Showing a little (TLC) tender loving care, mercy, and grace; loving as Jesus did on this earth and as God grants to us every day is the only way to have a life. In my extremely busy schedule as a single mom; I really have to adhere to the voice of God and listen to my own daughter. As sometimes I just get too busy and need to slow down and be patient myself with her. I am not perfect but God is guiding and teaching me daily.

Seasons change, but here in North Carolina it seems we can experience all four seasons in one week. It is only February and just this week I have seen so many flowers and trees blooming; pollen and green grass. Just yesterday I went to the beach and it was overrun with people. Just as quickly as the seasons change so can our lives. Two seconds, two minutes that we take to pray for others or just listen to them or perhaps pray for our self can make a world of difference. A few seconds is all it takes to ask God to forgive us and to come into our lives, to make our request be known. Or simply just to show someone that we truly care.

On the way to work this week I saw a Bradford Pear tree laying on the ground. It had been blown over by the hurricane force winds back a few months ago. Although this tree had been blown over it was full of life; beautiful white flowers cover this tree. It’s the same way in life. When we get knocked down and discouraged and feel that we just want to give up and die; we can still keep blooming. God will give us a new wine and do a new thing in us; if we ask, trust and believe. Just a few seconds is all it takes but we must continually fellowship with God in prayer and in studying of His Word to grow and get out and stay out of that pit. I don’t know about you but I want to flourish and be used by God for His Glory! I so wish I could have realized all of this years ago then perhaps things would have been different for my precious daughter. But she is constantly reminding me that if I had not experienced all that I have; then I wouldn’t be able to help those that are going through now. She is truly my cheerleader.

Now my life story continues:

Moving to Potter’s Hill was to be a new beginning, a new life for Samantha and myself. We were away from the reminders of the past and closer to my family. However, life was very stressful, challenging and full of heartache for us both. I definitely wasn’t the mama I needed to be as I had so much anger inside.

I was dating a really great guy and we dated for two years before he broke it off with me. My actions, attitude and deceptiveness ran him away. He was the first person that actually had faith in me and encouraged me to accomplish something in my life. I sang with him in a band;  well I practiced more than I sang; but you get the picture. And he encouraged me when I left daycare to get my Property & Casualty Insurance license to work at the insurance office. Nothing but uplifting to me; but when I started to party more; constantly getting drunk things changed. He started going to church with his Dad and he didn’t want to stay over with me anymore. Our relationship drifted and that is when I started getting a little a crazy so to speak. It was then I had  caught the attention of another guy who lived down the road. It was convenient for him to visit; so I started hanging out with him some, just as friends. But I shouldn’t have done this; as it was not the right thing to do.

Dealing with the extreme anxiety of loosing people all my life and the difficult relationships that I had endured; I started having anxiety/panic attacks when things started going awry.  With these attacks I would go to the hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack. Well you remember I told you before that I had hissy fits as a child. Well those hissy fits followed me into adulthood. Only my screaming, crying and kicking turned into yelling, crying and chest pains along with not being able to breathe. I soon realized that these attacks allowed others to focus on me; therefore giving me the attention that I so desperately wanted. What a self-centered and self-seeking control tactic that was! Selfish me!! I didn’t see this at that time; but I do now.

Unfortunately, this attention seeking tactic was a form of controlling and manipulating others into staying in my life! And after a while it didn’t work. I think he wanted to get his life right with God and I wanted no part of it; or perhaps he was just so tired of my craziness that he couldn’t handle anymore. Quite frankly; I do not blame him as I would have dumped me too!  So when we split I became extremely angry and became even more of a drunk.

Poor Samantha, stuck with a mama who is angry at the world and doesn’t see a brighter future insight. Samantha was in 1st grade when I realized she was struggling in school. For the life of me, I could not understand why this child could not get it! I mean really! I was a Beta Club student and she was failing! ? How could this be!

She had struggled and been behind with everything since she was just an infant. My anger was deep and unfortunately my beautiful daughter is the one who caught the brunt of my anger. I remember yelling at her for not being able to understand her school work; asking her was she stupid and saying what is wrong with you! Oh, how I wish I could take all those heartless words and comments back! I hurt my child most by my words  more so than by any other means. I did spank her and sometimes out of anger. Just as I had told you in an earlier story; it got to the point I had to start counting to 5 to cool down so I wasn’t so rough on her. Sometimes I was fearful that I was really going to hurt her; but I realize now I did! My actions, attitudes and harshness to my child hurt her more than anything. Instead of being the loving mommy that she needed; I remember being harsh sounding and full of anger.

As my drinking increased; I found new friends to hang out with through my neighbor. We all  started going out to clubs and hanging out in Potters Hill on occasion and drinking. However this only happened when Samantha was with her daddy or at my parents; as I never left her alone. But I had been falsely accused and turned into DSS when I was dating the guy from my uncles band; stating that I was leaving her (at the age of 5) alone at night to sing. Boy did that ever scare the daylight out of me. I was panicking out of fear they were going to take my child away from me!

You would think with all the stuff I had gone through I would finally get it together. I wanted so much to give Samantha a good life; I just didn’t know how. When the whole time the answer was in her heart and in her mouth…. Mommy take me to church!

Psalm 25:12-21New International Version (NIV)

12 Who, then, are those who fear the Lord?
    He will instruct them in the ways they should choose.[a]
13 They will spend their days in prosperity,
    and their descendants will inherit the land.
14 The Lord confides in those who fear him;
    he makes his covenant known to them.
15 My eyes are ever on the Lord,
    for only he will release my feet from the snare.

16 Turn to me and be gracious to me,
    for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 Relieve the troubles of my heart
    and free me from my anguish.
18 Look on my affliction and my distress
    and take away all my sins.
19 See how numerous are my enemies
    and how fiercely they hate me!

20 Guard my life and rescue me;
    do not let me be put to shame,
    for I take refuge in you.
21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,
    because my hope, Lord,[b] is in you.

Just as the seasons are so quickly to change and in just a few seconds a life can change for ever; our life can change for the better if we just allow God to be in control. Samantha’s life and others that I have encountered along the way have been affected by my 2 seconds, 2 minutes, or even 2 years. Although my earlier years were so full of negativity and I’m still growing with Christ; I pray that my future be even brighter and the only effect that I have on your life is positivity!  May God use my ugly ashes to bring glory to Him as you see what a difference He can make in one woman’s life. I am not perfect; but I know the perfect one!

Take 2 seconds, 2 minutes, 2 days and make a difference in someone else’s life! It could mean the difference between life or death!

Thank you for all of your support my dear friend when you encouraged me to sing and to get my insurance license. You made a huge difference in my life and I didn’t realize it at that time. Thank you for everything you did for Samantha and myself. Please forgive me!

Join me next week as I continue this blog for God.

Much Love to You All !

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God’s Love In The Raging Storms Of Life

As I sit on the beach typing this on my phone… one finger at a time; God is letting me see His beauty. Although the wind and waves are rough; the sun is brightly shinning. And as I look at the end of the pier I see a heart. He is all around me!

God loves us right in the middle of our storms. When the wind and waves feel like it’s too much to bear, that’s when He’s pushing us to that next level. Stay strong, stay focused for when the time is right; He will calm the raging sea in our lives. In the meantime we have to be like a surfer, have faith and trust God and just plunge into the waters and ride the waves of life and sometimes paddle our way through. God is right here cheering us on.

He reminded me of this today as I watched a young boy plunge into the ocean to surf. His fisherman dad stopped to watch him surf, took pictures and gave him a thumbs up! He was supporting and cheering his son on. And then when the young man was finished  Daddy went to the vehicle and got his sons jacket and helped him put it on. Wow! Just like our Father to do the same for us, support us, cheer us on and wrap us in His love. The end result is awesome!  Never let fear keep you from maturing spiritually.  Keep on plunging in and soon you will reach the other side. Our Father has our back and is our biggest supporter. With His support; failure is not an option!

Psalm 107: 29-30 (NIV) 29 He stilled the storm to a whisper;
    the waves of the sea[a] were hushed.
30 They were glad when it grew calm,
    and he guided them to their desired haven.

Matthew 4:19 – 24 (NIV) 19 “Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.” 20 At once they left their nets and followed him. Going on from there, he saw two other brothers, James son of Zebedee and his brother John. They were in a boat with their father Zebedee, preparing their nets. Jesus called them, 22 and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him.

23 Jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, proclaiming the good news of the kingdom, and healing every disease and sickness among the people. 24 News about him spread all over Syria, and people brought to him all who were ill with various diseases, those suffering severe pain, the demon-possessed, those having seizures, and the paralyzed; and he healed them.

At the age of 51, I have finally started to understand a lot of things in my life. Took me long enough to say the least, but I have been derailed all my life by satan. I know now that he tried to take me out all these times because God has such a huge plan to use me to build His kingdom.

Before my mama knew she was pregnant, she slipped and fell on some rocks at the beach. She started hurting so she went to the doctor and that is when he told her she was pregnant with me. Perhaps satan was trying to kill me before I was born; but God had me in His arms. Now fast forward to when I was about 10 years old, I had a huge lump in one of my breast. We were terribly afraid, but thank God we were in church at that time. Pastor Sadie Ball prayed for me and the lump went away; God healed me! During this same time I had a dream and I think it was before we found the lump. But in this dream; satan and his wife came to get me. He went to the front door of my parents home and said he wanted me. His wife was waiting in the yard. Talking about being scared; that was a nightmare! As I reflect now on that dream; I realize it was satan trying to take me out with whatever that lump was…. but God!

Now we will fast forward again to when Samantha was 2 years old and before we moved to Potters Hill. With Samantha’s dad bringing drugs into our home; he opened up a doorway for satan to totally move right in. With this being said, as I posted in a earlier post I attempted suicide; but the gun was on safety. I almost killed her dad; but Samantha screamed and got my attention. Every way I have looked it seems satan has tried to take me out of the game that God has placed me in. God has my back and has all my life; just took me a very long time to see all of this.

With the doorway open for demonic things in my home; it became a deep dark place. As I was sitting at the kitchen table one night writing out some bills;  different lights in different areas of the house, one at the time sporadically  started flickering. And I could hear doors opening and closing; however there was no one there but Samantha who was asleep and myself. I could feel a deep dark presence as if someone was looking over my shoulder, and a cold breath behind me. Terrified was an understatement! And until I spoke with some Christians about what was going on; I didn’t have a clue. But this was my first physical encounter with demonic spirits.

Evil was present in my home for some number of weeks and I was afraid to even close my eyes at night because the presence was so strong.  Someone had told me to get rid of these evil spirits  I  would have to pray them out. So not even knowing what I was truly doing; I took Samantha to my parents, got my Bible and prayed before I went in my back door. Then with an open Bible, I walked throughout the entire house and prayed; commanding that evil to leave. After that my home felt like home again; however her dad and I never were able to make a go of our marriage.

Another fast forward to living in Potters Hill, a single mom, depressed, stressed, full of anxiety and fear of the unknown. I was dating a really good guy that played in my uncles band but something overtook me and I changed. I became bitter, controlling and manipulative, etc.  I think perhaps out of fear of loosing people when you are full of deep rooted anger, you have a tendency to push people away. I know that is exactly what I did for years. Although I had prayed the evil out of my home previously it returned to a home within me and I became someone I didn’t like. This was not my last encounter with evil demonic spirits as you will see as you follow my testimony.

Matthew 12: 43-45 (NIV) 43 “When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. 44 Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. 45 Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation.”

Trust God for He will be with you through all the storms in life. He is your biggest cheerleader and supporter. As Pastor Jim says, “You can’t loose with the stuff we use”! In other words, if we use the weapons of warfare that God has given us, we will come out victorious. But we have to choose to do so everyday.

Psalm 46:10 (NIV) 10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

If I don’t sit still; I can’t hear from God so sometimes he removes us from the distractions and busyness so we can hear Him loud and clear! That’s what He did today for me. I so needed this reminder of how much He loves me. And I want to say thank you to the father and his son who are from Greensboro for allowing me to use the picture that I took. After approaching them I found out they are Christian too. How awesome that God sent me today to see this love between a father and his child; and for the reminder that there are other Christ followers in the world because we do sometimes feel so alone.

Join me next week when I return to the story of my life testimony, beginning with my life in Potters Hill.

Remember God Loves You and So Do I!

XOXOXO