My Early Years – Desiring to Belong (Part 2)

At some point in our life, we have all been guilty of saying or doing something to hurt another in some form or fashion. Perhaps not on purpose; but it has happened. There is good in everyone. It just may not always appear to be so; especially when we are on the receiving end of the negativity. It is my hope that through my obedience I can help you see the beauty in yourself. We all have skeletons in our closet; some we wish we could hide but God uses those ugly skeletons to help others. Boy do I have many ugly skeletons! He promised to make beauty from my ashes and He is doing just that!  Praise God!

Isaiah 61:3 {NIV} and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called the oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

First and foremost, this blog is not to single out anyone and to not place blame on anyone for anything whatsoever. What this blog is going to do is show you what God can do and has done in the life of one woman. I may be one voice for God but He has chosen to use to me and I will be obedient. In my obedience I pray for healing, wholeness, restoration and deliverance for you and for me.

As I start my middle school years remember  I have gone from loosing two best friends in elementary school to feeling unworthy. And now broken, bitter, angry, depressed and extremely shy and just wanting to belong and be loved.

A true outcast; I became pretty much a loner. However, I did have a couple of good friends but I could not allow them completely into my heart. In the 8th grade I was in a class with the academically gifted, I was a Beta Club Student. But these were some of the same classmates that had hurt me and I did not want to be in that class. I felt like they thought they were better than me because they all had more things, better clothes, etc.. and had told me I wasn’t rich enough to be friends with. Even the teacher was not so nice to me. Some of  these classmates lied on me and told the teacher that I was skipping school and hanging out with some guys on field day. Truth was my mom checked me out of school for lunch and I was nowhere close by. Upon returning to school the teacher snatched my arm, hurting me and telling me I was in trouble. Granted my mom saw the whole thing. Trying to tell the teacher the truth, she would not listen. It got pretty nasty in the principals office the next morning when my mom had a meeting with the two of them. I never received an apology but I grew even more angry and withdrew even more. I got sick just thinking about going to school. I cried alot because I hated feeling the way that I did.

That year I missed so many days of school that I almost failed. I mean I made a failing grade in PE! How does someone do that right?!!  Well I did! And if I could have, I would have dropped out of school that year! I went from Beta to borderline in no time flat! I gave up and I stopped trying because of feelings. I didn’t feel like I fit in and I lowered my standards and became less than what I could be. Whew, I never knew the effects that emotional pain and rejection could have on a person!

Our choices bring life or destruction! That is the free will we have been given. We much choose wisely. I didn’t do so well after leaving middle school. What happens next when I entered the world of dating at such an early age, brought even more destruction into my life. Those skeletons are about to come out and bring life to many I pray!

I sure wish I could of had someone to pour into me like I do now. Gods love, mercy and grace are overwhelming. If I had of never settled and become less than what God intended back then there is no telling where my life would be today. Although life can be tough, have courage and rise above; never settle and never let anyone make you feel unworthy. God says you are valuable and so very loved. So much that He allowed His Son to die for your sins and mine! He has given to each of us gifts and we are to use these for His glory not ours. If we do not apply ourself; we do ourself and others an injustice.20161022_160712-1

The devil will use anything he can to destroy us. Even to the point of us thinking we aren’t good enough and that others think they are better than us. We have a choice to be a victim or become victorious. Unfortunately it took me many years of heartache and pain to realize this. I allowed my feelings to dictate my life for so many years. Remember when someone comes against you, it is not the person but a spirit attacking you. …. don’t hate the person but hate the sin. We have to have test before we can have a testimony.

Join me next week; when this journey is going to start getting tougher for me to share. But I am trusting God through it all!

Much Love to you all!

God Bless You.

My Early Years-Desiring to Belong

20161022_160802-1As I sit and ask the Holy Spirit to lead me on this journey of blogging for God; so much has come back to my memory.  Therefore; I know without a shadow of doubt that God is using my life testimony to not only heal me, but to help someone else. Believe me this is not easy for me! But I will be obedient as obedience not only brings deliverance but releases God’s power in our life. I do not want to miss out by standing on the edge of my destiny and being afraid to enter into all that He has planned for me.

John 15:9-14 NIV…… {9} As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. {10}If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. {11}I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. {12}My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. {13}Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. {14}You are my friends if you do what I command.

God has reminded me of a story of when I was about 6 years old. I remember anger. I missed my cousin Chris’s birthday party at my grandparents because I was so angry and had a big hissy fit……all because my ponytails in my hair were not smooth. That put me sitting at the end of the tobacco patch while my mama worked in the field topping and suckering. I  missed out that day because of anger and disobedience. Little did I know that this was the beginning of the story of my life!

As a little girl growing up in a rural farming community life wasn’t extravagant. I grew up extremely poor. My dad worked at a hardware store and my mama was a stay at home mom who worked on the farm for my dad’s cousin. When my brother and I become of age; we too worked on the farm. This was how we got our school clothes and school supplies. Life seemed so unfair. Other families went on vacations or the state fair; we were lucky to go Tastee Freeze to eat. I so desired a life-like others.

School wasn’t much better. I loved learning but I didn’t like the fact that all during my school years I was picked on, laughed at, and made fun of. School mates told me I was ugly, that I stunk, and laughed at my clothes. Talking about making someone feel really down and out! That was me and this was the beginning of me feeling unworthy and pushing me further into a hole than what I already was in.  I didn’t have the clothes like others and I didn’t get to take part in extra-curricular activities and I so desired too. I wanted to be like everyone else, accepted, belonging and loved. I wanted true friends.

In the 2nd grade my best friend whom I loved very much devastated me when she told me she couldn’t be my friend anymore because I was too poor. Then in the 6th grade; my best friend at that time had made the cheer team squad. Me being the outsider; once again I was told I can’t be your friend anymore. Rejection was tough on me! I was different, felt unloved at home and at school. At this point I became even more angry and bitter.

The emotional pain was so overwhelming! I remember going outside at nights and laying on the grass looking up a the stars in the sky and crying out to God. See even back then I knew He existed but I wasn’t living for Him and definitely didn’t know anything about a personal relationship with Him.

From a broken, bitter, angry, depressed, extremely shy girl who wanted to feel accepted and loved; my life started a chain of events that went spinning out of control.  Therefore leading me on a not so glorious journey.

But God!!!

Join me next week as I continue this journey…

Much Love To You All !

Once Upon a Time

20161016_171939-1My prayer as I write this first official post is that this be used to glorify God. Putting my heart and life out there for the world is very difficult; but I am trusting and obeying God!

Psalms 37:4 (NIV) “Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” If only I had of known this in my earlier years, I would have saved myself of much heartache,  grief, pain, and tears. I wasn’t raised up in church, we did go some but then drifted away. However, I always was able to go to Vacation Bible School and I loved it!

The person you see today is definitely not the person I use to be! My life was consumed with bitterness, hatred, envy, jealousy, deep rooted anger, rage, selfishness, hatefulness, spitefulness…..get the picture! Not a pretty picture is it? And I haven’t always been a good Mommy to my sweet Samantha. This is why my desire is to become the person that my daughter and I both needed as little girls. To teach our youth, to love them, and let them know they’re loved without a shadow of a doubt and that there is hope!

As a little girl, I so desperately wanted love and to hear the words I Love You! My parents loved me and still do. It’s just that not everyone expresses love the same way or in a way that we may need. And as a little girl growing up and desiring to feel loved; put me on a journey of finding love any way possible….or at least what I thought was love. There are many hidden dangers of looking for love in all the wrong places, wrong things, and wrong people.

We reap what we sow! My life story will reveal this as I continue next week when I start in the beginning.

Much Love to You All !