My Know It All Years and Reaping What I Sow

20161125_110833A few weeks ago I shared a very private and personal part of my life with you. It seemed very hard at the time; but after I shared it there was such relief. I didn’t have to hide it anymore and through my obedience to God, He allowed me to become transparent. I did get some strange looks that week following that particular post and wasn’t sure then if I could share anymore of me with you. But God has shown me that I am strong and with Him I can do anything. He has also shown me that through this blog many will be delivered and set free from chains of bondage. You see we aren’t perfect; as there was only one perfect one and He died so that we can live! If we don’t share our testimony and allow others to see what God can do; we are doing an injustice to others, ourselves and to God!

The story continues:

As you now know at 17 years of age I was pregnant and due to fear I allowed that sweet baby to be aborted. But what you don’t know is the anger, the hatred, the rage, the rotten attitude that I had toward my sweet Mama. Having been rejected by my best friends earlier in life, the anger and bitterness only increased. I was that rebellious 17 year old who thought I knew everything there was to know. My Mama would make me so mad because she wouldn’t let me do what I wanted to do. I mean everyone else was going places and doing things but she wouldn’t allow it. I got so mad at her that I yelled and screamed “I hate you”! To this day those words ring in my ears; oh how it hurt my Mama! She never deserved that! Not one day has gone by that I don’t think about how badly I hurt her and how I wish I could take those words back! Unfortunately, when it’s said it’s too late. I know the pain that comes from negative and hurtful comments but for some reason I had started becoming what I had always hated.

If I had of never walked away from God and had listened to my Mama; I would have never had to endure the pain of an abortion or the pain of the abuse. She was only trying to look out for my best interest; but I couldn’t see that then. I had lied so much to her when I was between the ages of 15 to 19 just so I could be able to do and go as I wanted. Now it didn’t always work out for me; but enough that I was defiant and totally reckless in my behavior. It was during these years that I started smoking and drinking, not just wine coolers and beer, but liquor {Jack Daniels} straight from the bottle without a chaser. I also tried marijuana, became sexually active, started cussing (whew my language) I was using F bombs, GD words, etc., until this time I had never even said the word damn. Just thinking about my language that I had is embarrassing! Sad part is on top of all this behavior I had that deep-rooted anger and during my unwanted marriage I had to learn to fight to defend myself. We definitely reap what we sow!!!

Galatians 6:7-8 {NIV}Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit from the Spirit will reap eternal life.

So now you can see a little more as to why I didn’t want to go my mom and tell her I was pregnant. She did all she could with my hateful, disrespectful and bitter self. I had become a person I never wanted to be but it only got worse, until God!

Even though I was away from my husband, he still continued to follow me and caused havoc in my life when his new girlfriend didn’t want him around. After I finally got a place of my own; he broke into my apartment which was in the top part of a house on main street in Beulaville. During this unwelcome visit; he not only beat me but tampered with my car so it would not start. The next morning I called for help from the payphone up the street. Then was taken to Kenansville to press assault charges; boy that was tough,because as soon as he was served the papers he found me. This time he sprang my right arm pretty bad; but thank God that his brother jumped in before he hurt me further.

My nerves were so shot and I started depending on alcohol and men to help me forget what was happening in my life. It had gotten to a point where I was staying out late drinking every night and going to work drunk in the mornings. No logical reason I am even alive as I don’t remember driving most of the time. I went from a size 13 to a size 2/3 in one months time. Mind you at this time I’m still believing that I am not good enough and that no one will ever want or love me. So I set out to find love anyway I could but I still felt so empty and alone. The alcohol and men were only short-lived fixes to hide the pain.

I became the girl at the age of 21 who contributed to underage drinking. I would buy the liquor and we would all ride around drinking. One night I had the cooler of PJ in my Ford Pinto and had to use the restroom.  However back then if we drank we didn’t go near the store as that’s where the cops hung out. We would go down to a local tobacco barn to relieve ourselves; however this particular night I passed out in my car at the barn and was awakened to the sunrise the next morning. I didn’t even remember driving there!

After this I started going out to clubs and hanging out in Richlands. This is where I met a guy that I was so totally in love with or so I thought. In a hurry for love and not to be alone I moved in with him and his mom for about a year. This took place after his mom fell and broke her arm. I loved him to pieces but he wasn’t faithful to me. Then one day he completely shattered my heart when he looked at me and said “I don’t love you, never have, and I never will”! I was completely devastated!! I found out that he had been seeing someone else the entire time that I had been staying with him. So after this, I thought I would fix him! But what really happened was more complete and utter destruction in my own life!

You see we definitely can’t make anyone love us and when we think we can, it’s usually not a good sign. If someone loves you they will show you and with respect. Girls don’t go chasing after love, allow God to bring him to you. You see I am not perfect, but my heart is to obey God and prayerfully help someone. My desire is for neither of you to ever experience the pain and devastation that I have endured. As the old saying goes things get worse before they get better; hang on for what’s ahead. This is truly going to be extremely difficult for me!

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 {NIV} Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

1 John 2:15-17 {NIV}Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world – the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of  life- comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.

Join me next week as the journey to true love continues.

God loves you and So Do I!

 

Our Choices – Not Only Our Destiny But The Destiny of Others

Last week I shared a very personal and private part of my life; I have become transparent for Christ through the Holy Spirit. Next week I will continue with the story of my destructive pattern in my life of disobedience and running from God.

When I ended last week I said we have a choice every day and those choices determine the outcome of our life and our destiny. God has reminded me of so many things this week. Not only do our choices affect our destiny but those around us. My life has not only affected me but the life of many around me.

In Facebook this week a memory from November 17, 2013 appeared in which I had written: “Hello my Facebook family! I love each of you but know God Loves you more! I am so thankful that I am not who I use to be! I have a testimony that you could never dream of & I’m believing God that it will be used for His Glory! God I’m yours use me where & when you want..I am a willing vessel.. take me all over the world if you want.. lead me to those that need to hear of your goodness & mercy and how you can change their lives! Amen! Praise God I am Redeemed…He set me free!”

I am totally blown away as the words I wrote three years ago are coming to pass. This blog is viewable everywhere in the world. And not only have I been contacted after the blog post last Sunday; but one of my dear friends was contacted by several about the post after she shared it. In a telephone conversation with my friend she commented that I should have contact info ready for those that may need it urgently; that this may become larger than I think.

While sitting in Bojangles on Tuesday night, it was like a light bulb went off! God let me know that the vision He gave me in 2008 was beginning to be birth through my obedience to Him. I had wondered since He put that dream in my heart how it was going to happen. Now I know; well at least how it is going to begin. Then He showed me Thursday morning that my Boaz and I play a huge role in this vision (dream of the heart impregnated by God). I am beyond excited for what’s in store for the future! But there is a price to pay for these dreams to come to pass.

This past week has been one of difficulty for me as emotions and memories good and bad have surfaced. Satan knows our weaknesses and he will use those to destroy us and he begins working in our mind, as this is where our battles begin.

God knows what we need and when we need it! Just this weekend I was blessed by being one of the leaders within the Fellowship of Christian Athletes (FCA) Fall Beach Retreat Weekend with the Duplin County chapter. Our theme this weekend was The Armor of God. How perfect was this for me at this time.

You see last week as God was showing me the future, satan was trying his best to take me back to Egypt. The battles get hard and we have to choose daily to suit up in the armor. Satan will try to fill you with self-doubt and tell you that you aren’t worthy of the promises of God that all you deserve was in your past. The all familiar and the biggest struggle to let go of is the very thing satan uses to destroy us and put us back in Egypt.

If I don’t armor up every day and protect myself against satan then my future, my destiny and the futute and destiny of many will be destroyed. He used this weekend to remind me why it’s so important to put on the armor daily. The future of these kids and many others depend on my obedience and willingness to armor up. My free will; my choices have an impact on these kids destiny. If I sit idly by and do nothing for God; these kids may end up walking the path of destruction like I have; therefore destroying their life and the lives of their future generations. I refuse to sit back anymore and do nothing!

This weekend God impressed upon the heart of my dear friend to ask me to help baptize the girls. I was ecstatic! God used this to show me that He loves me and that I am His and I am worthy of everything He has planned for me!

Ephesians 6:10-18

The belt of truth

The breastplate of righteousness

The shoes of peace

The shield of faith

The helmet of salvation

The sword of the spirit. This is the only offensive weapon we have in these spiritual battles.

Genesis 37: 5-10

Acts 16: 9-15

We are in a battle daily but it is not against a person; it is a spititual battle between good and evil.  My life story when I pick it back up next Sunday will give you many examples of this. As I close for tonight, know that God loves you and that I love you! You are more precious than you think!

Join me next Sunday as my story continues. Subscribe to my blog to make sure you  never miss a post. Write me if you would like and if you need it to be confidential just let me know.

Not So Happily Ever After – Beginning of Hell for Me

Totally trusting God as I step out with this post. It is one of deep pain, sorrow and much regret but we have to move forward. We overcome by the blood of the lamb and word of our testimony. I am healing as I write this blog.

Just like every little girl my dream was to find my prince, get married and live happily ever after. I wanted to live in a big house on a hill surrounded by a white  picket fence with three children, a dog, a cat and horses. My once upon a time didn’t quite turn out so happily ever after due to my choices in life. The biggest mistake I made was walking away from the only one that loved me; with that I am referring to God. I ended up with so much less athan what I had dreamed of as a little girl; with a tremendous amount of heartache, pain, shame, regret and disappointment in myself!

My insecurities and desire for love kept me in bondage. The relationship that started when I was fifteen lasted most of my high school years. Now granted, at first it wasnt so bad or so I thought; but this was me settling for any attention I could get. However the true self came out once we were faced with a pregnancy; he became extremely  violent. Here I was at the age of 17, I felt all alone and didn’t think I could tell my parents. I was terribly afraid and ashamed. I had no one! He told me that if I kept the baby I would have to raise it alone. I felt forced into a decision that has affected me every day of my life.

I can’t even describe what I felt sitting in that room full of women in that Fayetteville clinic! My emotions were of disgust, anger, sorrow,  and regret; my heart shattered as I sat and listened to all the others talking about how many times they had done this unthinkable thing. I wanted so badly to walk out of that room but fear kept me from doing just that.

A month after the abortion my Grandfather died. This was very difficult for me to handle as I blamed myself for his death. I thought that his death was due to me allowing the murder of my unborn child. So many emotions where bottled up inside; my anger and pain only increased! I was extremely ashamed and wanted no one to know what I had done.

Trying to move on, I broke up with him and tried dating someone else. But he became obsessive; to the point where I was chased through town and harassed every time he saw me. He had kept the paperwork from the abortion and used it as blackmail. I so desperately wanted no one to know what I had done that I agreed to marry him all because he said if I didn’t he would tell everyone.

This marriage should never of been. I was a prisoner in my own home. Regardless of what I did it was never good enough. I can’t blame him for everything because I too was full of anger. There were many physical battles, I was locked in the closet, dragged by the hair of my head, locked outside of the house during the middle of night while in my nightgown, among many other things. But one thing that rang out everyday and night was he had a bullet that he kept on the nightstand. He constantly  told me that it had my name on it. And if I ever tried to leave him it would be mine, that if he couldn’t have me then no one would! He also told me constantly that no one else would ever want me that I was worthless and useless. I took it all to heart and believed every word of it.

My nerves within that year and a half of being married to him were so shattered. Being physically, mentally, and emotionally abused I had to be put on medication. But I was so extremely distraught that my mom thought she was going to have to put me into the mental hospital. After the fourth attempt to leave him, I ran to my mom and told her about the abortion. I was so tired of being abused that nothing else I could face could be worse than the hell I had gone through since that day in that clinic!  Guess what???   He did exactly what he said he would do! Just as soon as I finished telling my mom he drove up and said to her “I have something to tell you”. She told him to get out of her yard that she already knew.  Very hurt and disappointed with me but she was glad I was finally free from his control.

All these choices set me up for a path of destruction. Being an unhappy little girl who felt not good enough, angry, depressed and unloved; at the age of 19 settling for a life with someone who didn’t love me was complete destruction. It was a control tactic and I was extremely fearful for my life. I honestly believed at that time he would have killed me. Therefore, I stayed and dealt with what I thought I had too; until I didn’t care anymore if I were dead or alive! Being dead was better than what I was living in. I had no life!

My choices brought all of this devestation on me and after all this you would think I would get it together but this was just the start of my journey! Join me next week as my testimony continues to unfold.

My prayer for each of you is to keep yourself pure and holy before God and not following in my footsteps.                                                                                                    …………1 Corinthians 6:18 {NIV} Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.                                                                                                                                          …………1 Thessalonians 4:3-8 {NIV}It is God’s will that you should be sanctified; that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or a sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject a human being but God, the very God who gives his Holy Spirit.

No one deserves to be treated this way. Girls if you ever find yourself in a situation and feel alone and don’t know where to turn. Look Up! God will help you if you are willing to seek Him. I didn’t feel as if I could go to my parents but as a mom I am here if any of you ever find yourself needing someone. Write me in the comments as no one will see it unless I approve it. I hope to have a PO Box soon so you can send letters if needed. But until then comment and give me your email address and I will respond.

I am truly thankful that my past doesn’t define who I am. God has done amazing things for me and I am definitely not who I use to be. True repentance is change that only God can bring about.

My Ex/ my friend if you are reading this please know that I forgive you. And I am so thankful for what God has done in your life! I know that you are not who you use to be! Praise God for He makes beauty from ashes!

I Love You Everyone!

We have a choice every day and those choices determine the outcome of our life & our destiny.

 

 

Love, Lust and Fear

My junior high years were very tough; but I didn’t realize they were only the beginning of what was about to happen because of my decisions. I felt like the ugly duckling and with all the others starting to date and having boyfriends; I wanted to fit in. I so desired to have someone to love me.

At the age of fifteen I had attended church some and one of my friends brother asked me out. Surprisingly, I was allowed to go since it was a family ordeal for his grandmother’s birthday. I was extremely excited that someone was interested and he went to church. I even started attending church regularly and I asked God into my life. Both relationships were short-lived as I started dating a different guy. Sadly at the age of fifteen I started drinking, smoking, and having sex. Little did I realize this was the beginning of a very rough road for me; emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. What I thought was love, most definitely wasn’t!

After being sexually active, I soon realized he had been cheating on me and would only come pick me up if he had nothing better to do. Many times I would sit at home and cry because I just wanted to get out of the house and wanted to be loved. This was not love on either side! He paid attention to me but not as it should have been. And the attention that he eventually gave turned into abuse and left me fearing for my life. I had totally walked away from God and the relationship of real love for the lust of the world.

1 John 4:18 {NIV}  There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

Girls, please don’t settle just to have someone. If a guy is interested; he will definitely let you know. Don’t go chasing them or doing stupid stuff as I did. Please don’t follow in my footsteps and think you are not good enough to deserve better. You see; I thought that because he gave me some of his time and had sex with me that he loved me. Boy was I wrong! That definitely wasn’t love; only lust. If he had truly loved me he would have never touched me and vice versa! I was young, insecure, and down right stupid. Totally blinded because I so desperately wanted someone. I was a true glutton for punishment.

True Love Waits!!!

As the story unfolds you will see how my decisions to turn from God totally turned my world upside down. But God makes beauty from the ashes!

Join me next week as I continue with a heartbreaking story of deep pain….

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