Not So Happily Ever After – Beginning of Hell for Me

Totally trusting God as I step out with this post. It is one of deep pain, sorrow and much regret but we have to move forward. We overcome by the blood of the lamb and word of our testimony. I am healing as I write this blog.

Just like every little girl my dream was to find my prince, get married and live happily ever after. I wanted to live in a big house on a hill surrounded by a white  picket fence with three children, a dog, a cat and horses. My once upon a time didn’t quite turn out so happily ever after due to my choices in life. The biggest mistake I made was walking away from the only one that loved me; with that I am referring to God. I ended up with so much less athan what I had dreamed of as a little girl; with a tremendous amount of heartache, pain, shame, regret and disappointment in myself!

My insecurities and desire for love kept me in bondage. The relationship that started when I was fifteen lasted most of my high school years. Now granted, at first it wasnt so bad or so I thought; but this was me settling for any attention I could get. However the true self came out once we were faced with a pregnancy; he became extremely  violent. Here I was at the age of 17, I felt all alone and didn’t think I could tell my parents. I was terribly afraid and ashamed. I had no one! He told me that if I kept the baby I would have to raise it alone. I felt forced into a decision that has affected me every day of my life.

I can’t even describe what I felt sitting in that room full of women in that Fayetteville clinic! My emotions were of disgust, anger, sorrow,  and regret; my heart shattered as I sat and listened to all the others talking about how many times they had done this unthinkable thing. I wanted so badly to walk out of that room but fear kept me from doing just that.

A month after the abortion my Grandfather died. This was very difficult for me to handle as I blamed myself for his death. I thought that his death was due to me allowing the murder of my unborn child. So many emotions where bottled up inside; my anger and pain only increased! I was extremely ashamed and wanted no one to know what I had done.

Trying to move on, I broke up with him and tried dating someone else. But he became obsessive; to the point where I was chased through town and harassed every time he saw me. He had kept the paperwork from the abortion and used it as blackmail. I so desperately wanted no one to know what I had done that I agreed to marry him all because he said if I didn’t he would tell everyone.

This marriage should never of been. I was a prisoner in my own home. Regardless of what I did it was never good enough. I can’t blame him for everything because I too was full of anger. There were many physical battles, I was locked in the closet, dragged by the hair of my head, locked outside of the house during the middle of night while in my nightgown, among many other things. But one thing that rang out everyday and night was he had a bullet that he kept on the nightstand. He constantly  told me that it had my name on it. And if I ever tried to leave him it would be mine, that if he couldn’t have me then no one would! He also told me constantly that no one else would ever want me that I was worthless and useless. I took it all to heart and believed every word of it.

My nerves within that year and a half of being married to him were so shattered. Being physically, mentally, and emotionally abused I had to be put on medication. But I was so extremely distraught that my mom thought she was going to have to put me into the mental hospital. After the fourth attempt to leave him, I ran to my mom and told her about the abortion. I was so tired of being abused that nothing else I could face could be worse than the hell I had gone through since that day in that clinic!  Guess what???   He did exactly what he said he would do! Just as soon as I finished telling my mom he drove up and said to her “I have something to tell you”. She told him to get out of her yard that she already knew.  Very hurt and disappointed with me but she was glad I was finally free from his control.

All these choices set me up for a path of destruction. Being an unhappy little girl who felt not good enough, angry, depressed and unloved; at the age of 19 settling for a life with someone who didn’t love me was complete destruction. It was a control tactic and I was extremely fearful for my life. I honestly believed at that time he would have killed me. Therefore, I stayed and dealt with what I thought I had too; until I didn’t care anymore if I were dead or alive! Being dead was better than what I was living in. I had no life!

My choices brought all of this devestation on me and after all this you would think I would get it together but this was just the start of my journey! Join me next week as my testimony continues to unfold.

My prayer for each of you is to keep yourself pure and holy before God and not following in my footsteps.                                                                                                    …………1 Corinthians 6:18 {NIV} Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.                                                                                                                                          …………1 Thessalonians 4:3-8 {NIV}It is God’s will that you should be sanctified; that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or a sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject a human being but God, the very God who gives his Holy Spirit.

No one deserves to be treated this way. Girls if you ever find yourself in a situation and feel alone and don’t know where to turn. Look Up! God will help you if you are willing to seek Him. I didn’t feel as if I could go to my parents but as a mom I am here if any of you ever find yourself needing someone. Write me in the comments as no one will see it unless I approve it. I hope to have a PO Box soon so you can send letters if needed. But until then comment and give me your email address and I will respond.

I am truly thankful that my past doesn’t define who I am. God has done amazing things for me and I am definitely not who I use to be. True repentance is change that only God can bring about.

My Ex/ my friend if you are reading this please know that I forgive you. And I am so thankful for what God has done in your life! I know that you are not who you use to be! Praise God for He makes beauty from ashes!

I Love You Everyone!

We have a choice every day and those choices determine the outcome of our life & our destiny.

 

 

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