My Know It All Years and Reaping What I Sow

20161125_110833A few weeks ago I shared a very private and personal part of my life with you. It seemed very hard at the time; but after I shared it there was such relief. I didn’t have to hide it anymore and through my obedience to God, He allowed me to become transparent. I did get some strange looks that week following that particular post and wasn’t sure then if I could share anymore of me with you. But God has shown me that I am strong and with Him I can do anything. He has also shown me that through this blog many will be delivered and set free from chains of bondage. You see we aren’t perfect; as there was only one perfect one and He died so that we can live! If we don’t share our testimony and allow others to see what God can do; we are doing an injustice to others, ourselves and to God!

The story continues:

As you now know at 17 years of age I was pregnant and due to fear I allowed that sweet baby to be aborted. But what you don’t know is the anger, the hatred, the rage, the rotten attitude that I had toward my sweet Mama. Having been rejected by my best friends earlier in life, the anger and bitterness only increased. I was that rebellious 17 year old who thought I knew everything there was to know. My Mama would make me so mad because she wouldn’t let me do what I wanted to do. I mean everyone else was going places and doing things but she wouldn’t allow it. I got so mad at her that I yelled and screamed “I hate you”! To this day those words ring in my ears; oh how it hurt my Mama! She never deserved that! Not one day has gone by that I don’t think about how badly I hurt her and how I wish I could take those words back! Unfortunately, when it’s said it’s too late. I know the pain that comes from negative and hurtful comments but for some reason I had started becoming what I had always hated.

If I had of never walked away from God and had listened to my Mama; I would have never had to endure the pain of an abortion or the pain of the abuse. She was only trying to look out for my best interest; but I couldn’t see that then. I had lied so much to her when I was between the ages of 15 to 19 just so I could be able to do and go as I wanted. Now it didn’t always work out for me; but enough that I was defiant and totally reckless in my behavior. It was during these years that I started smoking and drinking, not just wine coolers and beer, but liquor {Jack Daniels} straight from the bottle without a chaser. I also tried marijuana, became sexually active, started cussing (whew my language) I was using F bombs, GD words, etc., until this time I had never even said the word damn. Just thinking about my language that I had is embarrassing! Sad part is on top of all this behavior I had that deep-rooted anger and during my unwanted marriage I had to learn to fight to defend myself. We definitely reap what we sow!!!

Galatians 6:7-8 {NIV}Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit from the Spirit will reap eternal life.

So now you can see a little more as to why I didn’t want to go my mom and tell her I was pregnant. She did all she could with my hateful, disrespectful and bitter self. I had become a person I never wanted to be but it only got worse, until God!

Even though I was away from my husband, he still continued to follow me and caused havoc in my life when his new girlfriend didn’t want him around. After I finally got a place of my own; he broke into my apartment which was in the top part of a house on main street in Beulaville. During this unwelcome visit; he not only beat me but tampered with my car so it would not start. The next morning I called for help from the payphone up the street. Then was taken to Kenansville to press assault charges; boy that was tough,because as soon as he was served the papers he found me. This time he sprang my right arm pretty bad; but thank God that his brother jumped in before he hurt me further.

My nerves were so shot and I started depending on alcohol and men to help me forget what was happening in my life. It had gotten to a point where I was staying out late drinking every night and going to work drunk in the mornings. No logical reason I am even alive as I don’t remember driving most of the time. I went from a size 13 to a size 2/3 in one months time. Mind you at this time I’m still believing that I am not good enough and that no one will ever want or love me. So I set out to find love anyway I could but I still felt so empty and alone. The alcohol and men were only short-lived fixes to hide the pain.

I became the girl at the age of 21 who contributed to underage drinking. I would buy the liquor and we would all ride around drinking. One night I had the cooler of PJ in my Ford Pinto and had to use the restroom.  However back then if we drank we didn’t go near the store as that’s where the cops hung out. We would go down to a local tobacco barn to relieve ourselves; however this particular night I passed out in my car at the barn and was awakened to the sunrise the next morning. I didn’t even remember driving there!

After this I started going out to clubs and hanging out in Richlands. This is where I met a guy that I was so totally in love with or so I thought. In a hurry for love and not to be alone I moved in with him and his mom for about a year. This took place after his mom fell and broke her arm. I loved him to pieces but he wasn’t faithful to me. Then one day he completely shattered my heart when he looked at me and said “I don’t love you, never have, and I never will”! I was completely devastated!! I found out that he had been seeing someone else the entire time that I had been staying with him. So after this, I thought I would fix him! But what really happened was more complete and utter destruction in my own life!

You see we definitely can’t make anyone love us and when we think we can, it’s usually not a good sign. If someone loves you they will show you and with respect. Girls don’t go chasing after love, allow God to bring him to you. You see I am not perfect, but my heart is to obey God and prayerfully help someone. My desire is for neither of you to ever experience the pain and devastation that I have endured. As the old saying goes things get worse before they get better; hang on for what’s ahead. This is truly going to be extremely difficult for me!

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 {NIV} Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

1 John 2:15-17 {NIV}Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world – the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of  life- comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.

Join me next week as the journey to true love continues.

God loves you and So Do I!


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