Pastor Jim recently preached a sermon about the battle, the prodigal son. This hit home and got me to thinking; he said that honesty is the road back home. It takes a strong man or woman to take responsibility and stop blaming others.
Integrity of Heart:
1. We must be honest with ourself.
2. We must be honest with others.
3. We must be honest with God.
Until we can do all three of these; we will stay right where we are!
James 5: 16-17
Well, all my life it was always someone else’s fault; or so I said. But the truth is I never had anyone to blame but myself. I say this because I had choices, I just chose to make the wrong ones. My rotten attitude about myself and always feeling less than, was where it all stemmed from. The truth is I was valuable and worth much more than I could see. I had placed myself on the clearance rack instead! Unfortunately; it has taken me until the age of 50 to finally realize all of this. God is definitely allowing healing to flow as He uses my testimony for His Glory.
When I ended last week I had been heart-broken and I was gonna show him (my Richlands guy). Well the truth is; he could have cared less. But what happened in the mist of my spitefulness was more devastation in my life.
Knowing that he would be in the club that next weekend; I planned to go and make him jealous. Well I went, I got drunk and I met a guy who was having a birthday party. He was all so ever cute but needed a ride home. I let him drive my car because of my drunken state, with no regard to his drunkenness then to find out he had lost his license due to driving while impaired! Yikes… red flags!! But did I run oh no, that would have been the correct choice!
Always thinking that I needed a man in my life; I kept seeing him because he seemed really interested in me. Well the destruction is about to break loose. I moved in with him then I quit my really good job in Kinston to find work closer because I was now living in Hubert. What I couldn’t see yet was his addiction to alcohol and drugs. After I quit my job and moved in, his true colors started coming out. I was once again in an abusive relationship where I was terrified to leave. No job and nowhere to go!
Before his abusive behavior surfaced, we loved to go dancing at Chevy’s nightclub in Atlantic Beach. Many nights we went and had a blast but things changed one night when he was too drunk to wake him in the car. Not knowing what else to do, I wrapped him with a quilt and left him, then I went inside to bed. Let me tell you, there was hell to pay for that! When he awoke and came inside; I found myself waking up after being picked up and thrown into the wall. I wish I could tell you that after that I left and stayed gone, but I can’t. I did leave the next day and went to my parents to stay. But he found me and drove up after stealing his sisters car, to beg me to come back and promising to change. Thinking he must really love me I went back. Bad choice on my part!
Things went good for a little while, but was short-lived. He started drinking more and smoking marijuana. He was high more than not and had become violent and had threatened that he would kill me or himself if I ever left again. I became his punching bag and was extremely afraid. He started going out with his friends to a local bar. Drunk one night and no way home, he called me and I refused to go get him. Oh bad mistake!! I was awakened again but I didn’t meet the wall this time. He had ripped my night clothing off and forced himself into me. I tried to get him off of me and tried to get up, but I could not move. I could not believe what had happened!!!
This rape left me pregnant as I found out after going to the doctor to be put on birth control. Whew, that was a lot to take in. Now I really felt trapped and felt like I couldn’t leave. The pregnancy didn’t stop him with his abusiveness as he continued to use me as a punching bag and a wall ornament on occasion. Now my self-esteem is really shot by now!
The picture with this post was taken at the age of 22 during this relationship. I was extremely depressed and definitely had myself on the clearance rack. Girls, know your worth and never allow anyone to deflate your value! As a daughter of the One True King; You are priceless and you are loved!
Join me next week as this story continues..
My prayer is that through my obedience to share my life story with you; that you will never have to endure the pain and hardships that I have. This is all very difficult to share but God makes beauty from ashes.
Remember God Loves You and So Do I !