This has been an extremely tough week for me spiritually with satan fighting hard. But God has placed prayer warriors that are lifting me up as I continue this testimony. Thank you as you know who you are!
When I ended last Sunday’s post, at the age of 22 I found myself pregnant from the rape and feeling completely trapped. Playing over and over in my head were the words from my ex-husband (yes now divorced) and my ex-boyfriend, “No one will ever want you as you are worthless” and “I don’t love you, never have and never will”. All I could think about was I was damaged goods and they were absolutely right; no one will ever want me! I mean my best friends in elementary school didn’t even want me so why would anyone else!
By this time my depression, anxiety, fear and anger had only increased as I felt dirty and ashamed. I felt so alone! Not having a job and not wanting to tell my parents that I was raped; I did whatever I could to appease him. But the violence only increased as his partying only increased with more and different drugs. I was tired of it, so when he was at work one day I left and I went back home to my parents once again.
He held true to his threat as he over-dosed on pills and almost died. His grandmother called and told me what had happened. He had written a suicide note stating I was the reason he was doing this because I had left. I felt guilty so I returned to him. That was really not smart of me! Once he had recovered he decided one night to get really high. And when he did, I then was being thrown around like a ball as I couldn’t get away from him because he had me trapped in the bedroom! I ended up with bruises over my entire body; thankfully no broken bones. He was extremely strong, but when he was high on the drugs he was stronger. Unfortunately it was during this attack that I was hurt so bad that I miscarried and lost the baby. My feelings were from one extreme to another. I was relieved that I didn’t have to carry his baby because it was from a rape; but extremely sad and depressed because I had lost my baby. At this point I was wondering if I would ever be able to have a child. After this I left for good, even leaving my things behind. I was afraid of him!
With everything that I had gone through from the time I was 15 until now at the age of 23 I was very emotional and extremely angry! I truly wanted to be loved, have a husband and kids; I so desired a loving family. But I was going about it the wrong way! Unfortunately I wanted to have someone so bad that I never took time to heal in between relationships. Like most people, I thought I could heal faster and be just fine if I had someone new. Still thinking that if someone pays attention to me then it must be love; poor naïve me.
My drinking started again but this time I met someone who I could drink with. He had a drug problem also but I chose to ignore it because I thought I could change him with my love. My ignorant, hateful, self-centered and reckless behavior was about to send me on a journey that has changed my life. Not only giving me my baby girl but causing destruction to not only my life; but others whom I love.
Girls, don’t ever feel like you are not worthy of true love. As I told you last week; never place yourself on the clearance rack. You are priceless! But please don’t jump from one relationship into another. When your heart loves someone; it takes time to heal and if you can jump right into the arms of someone new; then it wasn’t true love the begin with. Before you give your heart away; make sure he is deserving of it and will treasure it. I discovered with my own reckless behavior that every time I slept with someone new; that I felt even more undeserving of that true love I so desperately wanted!
True Love Will Wait — Sure wish I had realized this sooner!
1 Corinthians 13:4-7–Love is patient and kind, love does not envy or boast; It is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.
Hebrews 13:4 –Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.
I can’t change my past but I can change my future and it’s looking extremely amazing! God creates beauty from our ashes!
Join me next week as I blog for God sharing my testimony. But as I have said, it’s going to get worse before it gets better. So hold on for this ride and keep me in your prayers.
God loves you all and So do I!
Much Peace & Joy I wish to you!