Driving to work this week I saw a church sign that read “Happy New Year! God’s Best is Right Before You!” This got me to thinking about my past and my future. He has given me so many visions that I am busting at the seams; so to speak, with joy and anticipation as his plan unfolds in my life. I may have had a life full of difficulties but my past doesn’t define who I am. God chose me and I am so ever thankful for His mercy and grace and the opportunity to serve Him!
So many times we can’t seem to let the past go. For some reason we hang on to the familiar. Perhaps we are afraid to step out of what we are most comfortable with, regardless of how terrible the circumstances. To get something we’ve never had, we have to do something that we have never done. As long as we continue to accept the wrong in our life; things will never change! Change takes courage to do the right thing and to take that first step!
I have never been a leader in my life, I was too afraid. As a very timid little girl who accepted everything as it was thrown at her; I never imagined God could use me! Who am I kidding, I never thought God would ever give me another chance after all the years of disobedience and running!
When I ended the story last week I told you about the miscarriage of one of my twins. And I stated that we speak life and death with every word that proceeds out of our mouth. Thank God I was still carrying one of my babies! At this time I was approximately six weeks along in my pregnancy. I was relieved that I was still pregnant but sad that I had lost one. This day started the beginning of a difficult pregnancy and life as I had hoped.
As time went on it seemed I stayed sick to the point we were unable to cook food in the house; I couldn’t stand the smell of it. And every sickness and virus that passed by I caught it and it seemed that I lived at the doctors office and drugstore. With a due date of September 4th and one complication after another; I was forced to take early leave from work and put on bed rest three months before the due date. My baby was trying to come too early.
Bed rest would have been great except with Timmy going to work and me having no company I felt so isolated from the world. I became extremely depressed and was put on medication for the depression. His drug use and still wanting to party became a huge ordeal as he would leave to go out to the nightclub or with his friends for a drug night. Many days I was alone and many nights too. I remember crying and begging him to stay home at night with me.
One particular night I felt like I was at the end of my rope. He came in from work got ready to go to Good Time Charlies (a local bar). Desperate for him to stay home I was holding on to him around his legs as he was trying to get out the door. Crying and begging him to please stay home because I was tired of being home alone, he commented that it was my fault that I couldn’t get out. I told him it wasn’t that I couldn’t help being sick. I have never been able to forgot the words he said to me. He said, “You are the one that wanted a damn baby, not me”! Oh how that hurt me deeply! Now I realize it was just the drugs and alcohol talking but back then I was devastated. He was an awesome man when he was sober.
Loving this man with all my heart; regardless of the circumstances I was determined we were going to have a sweet little family and live happily ever after. I had many days of sickness, loneliness and depression but I carried on. But on the morning of August 4th, 1993 I awoke to bleeding. Oh I was terrified because it looked just like it did when I had miscarried before! My thoughts were I am loosing my baby!
I had prayed after hearing about one of my friends loosing her baby at birth due to the umbilical cord getting caught around its neck and cutting off the oxygen. I wasn’t living for God but I prayed that this would not happen to my baby. And that if any complications arise and the cord get wrapped that my baby would be born and live. After seeing the blood and the clot, I ran to the door to stop Timmy from going to work; then called my doctor. I was asked to go into the office for them to check me. However, once there and on the table, my water broke! I was sent to the hospital .
A miracle is about to take place as God saved my babies life and she is 23 years old today! After I was at the hospital they immediately put me into a birthing room and my baby decided she was ready to enter this world before the doctor got ready. He rushed to get ready and during the delivery, difficulties arose. There wasn’t enough room for her to be birth; therefore causing havoc on my body. Then the doctor realized the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck. He so wished he had of done a C-section after it was all over as she came out purple and not breathing; however they didn’t tell me. All I knew was I wasn’t able to hold her and they whisked her away quickly and immediately started working on her. After that the next thing I remember is waking up to an empty room and wondering what was going on.
Shortly after waking, Timmy walked into the room and when I asked about my baby he told me we have a girl and he gave me the details of what was going on. As the nurse came to take me to my room she pushed me by the nursery. My first actual view of my baby was of her in the NICU with a team of doctors and nurses surrounding her. From the window only could I glance her; I felt so cheated as I had learned in Lamaze classes that a mom gets to hold the newborn right after birth. Regardless of how I felt; I was so thankful she was alive. After being put in my room, they came around to tell me she had to be sent to Pitt Memorial Hospital as her lungs were not developed and she was also jaundiced. After several hours they brought her by my room so I could see her; but I couldn’t touch her as she was inside of an incubator. I so wanted to hold her; she was beautiful!
Learning of her difficulties to live; I determined she was a fighter therefore instead of Courtney Love her name became Samantha Jo. But since delivery was not by textbook; her card on her incubator read “Baby Girl H.”. I told her dad, go to Greenville and be with our girl. Make sure no one takes our baby and watch out for her. He did and he fell totally in love with that little girl.
She was the largest of the preemies in the nursery. My doctor knowing exactly where I was going upon discharge; kept me in the hospital extra days. So Samantha was in Greenville from Wednesday night until Saturday afternoon before I ever got to hold her! She had not been doing well and it didn’t look good for her. But as soon as I held her the first time and talked to her; she immediately started improving! One look and she stole my heart and I finally realized what love was.
On Monday, they transferred her back to Lenoir Memorial. This was great as it was closer to home. I drove myself to the hospital for three days to sit in the nursery just hold her and feed her. I couldn’t wait to get her home! Little did I realize just how sick she was and that I soon would be quitting my job entirely to care for her. Remember, I was severely depressed and on medication before her birth and now I am going to be home 24/7.
Life without God is no life! You see as I have said in earlier post; our choices determine our future. I may have lost several babies; but God honored my prayer and allowed Samantha to be born at the first sign of trouble and gave her life. He gave to me as I had asked, one blonde curly haired little girl and allowed her to live. Yes her hair was dark and straight at birth; but soon turned blonde and curly. God is in the miracle making business and my beautiful daughter is one of them. He had a plan from the start to use this baby to change my life but not before many years of darkness because I was on the run.
1 John 5:14-15- Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hear us. And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him.
Join me next week as my world is rocked upside down trying to keep it all together!
God Loves You and So Do I!
Much Love to You!
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