Hell For My Daughter In The Changing Seasons of My Life -Part 1

Just like the sun rises and sets at different times each day; with perhaps just a few seconds difference. Those few seconds of our time can make a world of difference and can affect  someone else or perhaps our own life. God has reminded me this week of the difference that time makes and that we have to slow down and  be patient with others. Showing a little (TLC) tender loving care, mercy, and grace; loving as Jesus did on this earth and as God grants to us every day is the only way to have a life. In my extremely busy schedule as a single mom; I really have to adhere to the voice of God and listen to my own daughter. As sometimes I just get too busy and need to slow down and be patient myself with her. I am not perfect but God is guiding and teaching me daily.

Seasons change, but here in North Carolina it seems we can experience all four seasons in one week. It is only February and just this week I have seen so many flowers and trees blooming; pollen and green grass. Just yesterday I went to the beach and it was overrun with people. Just as quickly as the seasons change so can our lives. Two seconds, two minutes that we take to pray for others or just listen to them or perhaps pray for our self can make a world of difference. A few seconds is all it takes to ask God to forgive us and to come into our lives, to make our request be known. Or simply just to show someone that we truly care.

On the way to work this week I saw a Bradford Pear tree laying on the ground. It had been blown over by the hurricane force winds back a few months ago. Although this tree had been blown over it was full of life; beautiful white flowers cover this tree. It’s the same way in life. When we get knocked down and discouraged and feel that we just want to give up and die; we can still keep blooming. God will give us a new wine and do a new thing in us; if we ask, trust and believe. Just a few seconds is all it takes but we must continually fellowship with God in prayer and in studying of His Word to grow and get out and stay out of that pit. I don’t know about you but I want to flourish and be used by God for His Glory! I so wish I could have realized all of this years ago then perhaps things would have been different for my precious daughter. But she is constantly reminding me that if I had not experienced all that I have; then I wouldn’t be able to help those that are going through now. She is truly my cheerleader.

Now my life story continues:

Moving to Potter’s Hill was to be a new beginning, a new life for Samantha and myself. We were away from the reminders of the past and closer to my family. However, life was very stressful, challenging and full of heartache for us both. I definitely wasn’t the mama I needed to be as I had so much anger inside.

I was dating a really great guy and we dated for two years before he broke it off with me. My actions, attitude and deceptiveness ran him away. He was the first person that actually had faith in me and encouraged me to accomplish something in my life. I sang with him in a band;  well I practiced more than I sang; but you get the picture. And he encouraged me when I left daycare to get my Property & Casualty Insurance license to work at the insurance office. Nothing but uplifting to me; but when I started to party more; constantly getting drunk things changed. He started going to church with his Dad and he didn’t want to stay over with me anymore. Our relationship drifted and that is when I started getting a little a crazy so to speak. It was then I had  caught the attention of another guy who lived down the road. It was convenient for him to visit; so I started hanging out with him some, just as friends. But I shouldn’t have done this; as it was not the right thing to do.

Dealing with the extreme anxiety of loosing people all my life and the difficult relationships that I had endured; I started having anxiety/panic attacks when things started going awry.  With these attacks I would go to the hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack. Well you remember I told you before that I had hissy fits as a child. Well those hissy fits followed me into adulthood. Only my screaming, crying and kicking turned into yelling, crying and chest pains along with not being able to breathe. I soon realized that these attacks allowed others to focus on me; therefore giving me the attention that I so desperately wanted. What a self-centered and self-seeking control tactic that was! Selfish me!! I didn’t see this at that time; but I do now.

Unfortunately, this attention seeking tactic was a form of controlling and manipulating others into staying in my life! And after a while it didn’t work. I think he wanted to get his life right with God and I wanted no part of it; or perhaps he was just so tired of my craziness that he couldn’t handle anymore. Quite frankly; I do not blame him as I would have dumped me too!  So when we split I became extremely angry and became even more of a drunk.

Poor Samantha, stuck with a mama who is angry at the world and doesn’t see a brighter future insight. Samantha was in 1st grade when I realized she was struggling in school. For the life of me, I could not understand why this child could not get it! I mean really! I was a Beta Club student and she was failing! ? How could this be!

She had struggled and been behind with everything since she was just an infant. My anger was deep and unfortunately my beautiful daughter is the one who caught the brunt of my anger. I remember yelling at her for not being able to understand her school work; asking her was she stupid and saying what is wrong with you! Oh, how I wish I could take all those heartless words and comments back! I hurt my child most by my words  more so than by any other means. I did spank her and sometimes out of anger. Just as I had told you in an earlier story; it got to the point I had to start counting to 5 to cool down so I wasn’t so rough on her. Sometimes I was fearful that I was really going to hurt her; but I realize now I did! My actions, attitudes and harshness to my child hurt her more than anything. Instead of being the loving mommy that she needed; I remember being harsh sounding and full of anger.

As my drinking increased; I found new friends to hang out with through my neighbor. We all  started going out to clubs and hanging out in Potters Hill on occasion and drinking. However this only happened when Samantha was with her daddy or at my parents; as I never left her alone. But I had been falsely accused and turned into DSS when I was dating the guy from my uncles band; stating that I was leaving her (at the age of 5) alone at night to sing. Boy did that ever scare the daylight out of me. I was panicking out of fear they were going to take my child away from me!

You would think with all the stuff I had gone through I would finally get it together. I wanted so much to give Samantha a good life; I just didn’t know how. When the whole time the answer was in her heart and in her mouth…. Mommy take me to church!

Psalm 25:12-21New International Version (NIV)

12 Who, then, are those who fear the Lord?
    He will instruct them in the ways they should choose.[a]
13 They will spend their days in prosperity,
    and their descendants will inherit the land.
14 The Lord confides in those who fear him;
    he makes his covenant known to them.
15 My eyes are ever on the Lord,
    for only he will release my feet from the snare.

16 Turn to me and be gracious to me,
    for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 Relieve the troubles of my heart
    and free me from my anguish.
18 Look on my affliction and my distress
    and take away all my sins.
19 See how numerous are my enemies
    and how fiercely they hate me!

20 Guard my life and rescue me;
    do not let me be put to shame,
    for I take refuge in you.
21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,
    because my hope, Lord,[b] is in you.

Just as the seasons are so quickly to change and in just a few seconds a life can change for ever; our life can change for the better if we just allow God to be in control. Samantha’s life and others that I have encountered along the way have been affected by my 2 seconds, 2 minutes, or even 2 years. Although my earlier years were so full of negativity and I’m still growing with Christ; I pray that my future be even brighter and the only effect that I have on your life is positivity!  May God use my ugly ashes to bring glory to Him as you see what a difference He can make in one woman’s life. I am not perfect; but I know the perfect one!

Take 2 seconds, 2 minutes, 2 days and make a difference in someone else’s life! It could mean the difference between life or death!

Thank you for all of your support my dear friend when you encouraged me to sing and to get my insurance license. You made a huge difference in my life and I didn’t realize it at that time. Thank you for everything you did for Samantha and myself. Please forgive me!

Join me next week as I continue this blog for God.

Much Love to You All !

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God’s Love In The Raging Storms Of Life

As I sit on the beach typing this on my phone… one finger at a time; God is letting me see His beauty. Although the wind and waves are rough; the sun is brightly shinning. And as I look at the end of the pier I see a heart. He is all around me!

God loves us right in the middle of our storms. When the wind and waves feel like it’s too much to bear, that’s when He’s pushing us to that next level. Stay strong, stay focused for when the time is right; He will calm the raging sea in our lives. In the meantime we have to be like a surfer, have faith and trust God and just plunge into the waters and ride the waves of life and sometimes paddle our way through. God is right here cheering us on.

He reminded me of this today as I watched a young boy plunge into the ocean to surf. His fisherman dad stopped to watch him surf, took pictures and gave him a thumbs up! He was supporting and cheering his son on. And then when the young man was finished  Daddy went to the vehicle and got his sons jacket and helped him put it on. Wow! Just like our Father to do the same for us, support us, cheer us on and wrap us in His love. The end result is awesome!  Never let fear keep you from maturing spiritually.  Keep on plunging in and soon you will reach the other side. Our Father has our back and is our biggest supporter. With His support; failure is not an option!

Psalm 107: 29-30 (NIV) 29 He stilled the storm to a whisper;
    the waves of the sea[a] were hushed.
30 They were glad when it grew calm,
    and he guided them to their desired haven.

Matthew 4:19 – 24 (NIV) 19 “Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.” 20 At once they left their nets and followed him. Going on from there, he saw two other brothers, James son of Zebedee and his brother John. They were in a boat with their father Zebedee, preparing their nets. Jesus called them, 22 and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him.

23 Jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, proclaiming the good news of the kingdom, and healing every disease and sickness among the people. 24 News about him spread all over Syria, and people brought to him all who were ill with various diseases, those suffering severe pain, the demon-possessed, those having seizures, and the paralyzed; and he healed them.

At the age of 51, I have finally started to understand a lot of things in my life. Took me long enough to say the least, but I have been derailed all my life by satan. I know now that he tried to take me out all these times because God has such a huge plan to use me to build His kingdom.

Before my mama knew she was pregnant, she slipped and fell on some rocks at the beach. She started hurting so she went to the doctor and that is when he told her she was pregnant with me. Perhaps satan was trying to kill me before I was born; but God had me in His arms. Now fast forward to when I was about 10 years old, I had a huge lump in one of my breast. We were terribly afraid, but thank God we were in church at that time. Pastor Sadie Ball prayed for me and the lump went away; God healed me! During this same time I had a dream and I think it was before we found the lump. But in this dream; satan and his wife came to get me. He went to the front door of my parents home and said he wanted me. His wife was waiting in the yard. Talking about being scared; that was a nightmare! As I reflect now on that dream; I realize it was satan trying to take me out with whatever that lump was…. but God!

Now we will fast forward again to when Samantha was 2 years old and before we moved to Potters Hill. With Samantha’s dad bringing drugs into our home; he opened up a doorway for satan to totally move right in. With this being said, as I posted in a earlier post I attempted suicide; but the gun was on safety. I almost killed her dad; but Samantha screamed and got my attention. Every way I have looked it seems satan has tried to take me out of the game that God has placed me in. God has my back and has all my life; just took me a very long time to see all of this.

With the doorway open for demonic things in my home; it became a deep dark place. As I was sitting at the kitchen table one night writing out some bills;  different lights in different areas of the house, one at the time sporadically  started flickering. And I could hear doors opening and closing; however there was no one there but Samantha who was asleep and myself. I could feel a deep dark presence as if someone was looking over my shoulder, and a cold breath behind me. Terrified was an understatement! And until I spoke with some Christians about what was going on; I didn’t have a clue. But this was my first physical encounter with demonic spirits.

Evil was present in my home for some number of weeks and I was afraid to even close my eyes at night because the presence was so strong.  Someone had told me to get rid of these evil spirits  I  would have to pray them out. So not even knowing what I was truly doing; I took Samantha to my parents, got my Bible and prayed before I went in my back door. Then with an open Bible, I walked throughout the entire house and prayed; commanding that evil to leave. After that my home felt like home again; however her dad and I never were able to make a go of our marriage.

Another fast forward to living in Potters Hill, a single mom, depressed, stressed, full of anxiety and fear of the unknown. I was dating a really good guy that played in my uncles band but something overtook me and I changed. I became bitter, controlling and manipulative, etc.  I think perhaps out of fear of loosing people when you are full of deep rooted anger, you have a tendency to push people away. I know that is exactly what I did for years. Although I had prayed the evil out of my home previously it returned to a home within me and I became someone I didn’t like. This was not my last encounter with evil demonic spirits as you will see as you follow my testimony.

Matthew 12: 43-45 (NIV) 43 “When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. 44 Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. 45 Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation.”

Trust God for He will be with you through all the storms in life. He is your biggest cheerleader and supporter. As Pastor Jim says, “You can’t loose with the stuff we use”! In other words, if we use the weapons of warfare that God has given us, we will come out victorious. But we have to choose to do so everyday.

Psalm 46:10 (NIV) 10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

If I don’t sit still; I can’t hear from God so sometimes he removes us from the distractions and busyness so we can hear Him loud and clear! That’s what He did today for me. I so needed this reminder of how much He loves me. And I want to say thank you to the father and his son who are from Greensboro for allowing me to use the picture that I took. After approaching them I found out they are Christian too. How awesome that God sent me today to see this love between a father and his child; and for the reminder that there are other Christ followers in the world because we do sometimes feel so alone.

Join me next week when I return to the story of my life testimony, beginning with my life in Potters Hill.

Remember God Loves You and So Do I!


I Am One Voice of Emerge Ministries

God has given me this amazing group of people to minister with that welcomed me with open arms. Our relationship is God given!

Since becoming a part of Emerge Ministries I have grown spiritually as I once was consumed with myself and my needs. I was at a point in my life before Emerge that I wasn’t sure I had a purpose; I needed to belong!  I am now helping to bring change to other people’s lives by displaying love, grace and mercy of God. Thinking of others and what I can do to make a difference in their life has become more important to me. I look forward to every opportunity I get to serve and I have told God many times to send me, I will go.  I have stepped out in obedience to God with faith and trust to share my testimony in my blog to help others without knowing what it could possibly do to my life. But God told me to trust Him; so I am.  Also I have broken free from the bondage of sexual sin and lustful desires that once held me in bondage. I have been able to let go of the unhealthy relationships, things and behaviours that kept me from moving forward with the call that God has on my life. With a heart change I have a desire to do for those in need but in the end; I am the one that is blessed more so by them. God is using me to love on others but in return I am the one that gets filled up from the love as love is reciprocated to me.

Emerge Ministries has given me a family that accepts me and loves me. Each member of the Emerge Family continues to encourage me to be the woman of God, that He created me to be. My goal each day is to strive to be more like Jesus.

From my heart to yours as I work side by side in this ministry with my God given family; I see the hand of God moving mightily. From the streets, to homeless shelters to helping flood victims to prison ministry we are the hands, feet and voice for God as we reach out to others for no other reason than to do what God created us to do, to love on others!

As with anything there is a cost to support the operation of the ministry. Although we know that God will provide and we are trusting Him to do just that; He often uses others for provisional needs to be met. Kind of like money falling from Heaven. With this being said, just as Pastor Jim of my home church always says, “Pray, hear from God and be obedient! There is no pressure in the Kingdom of God.” However, if God has placed it upon your heart to sow into the Kingdom by making either a one-time donation or by becoming a monthly donor; just know that this ministry is a good field to sow into. If you are not able or ready to sow financially; we would truly appreciate your continued prayers as we continue to do the work of our Father.

For more information on how to donate to or to volunteer please like us on our “Emerge Ministries” Facebook page or our website at www.emerge4unity.org

My Angel of God

On the way to work Tuesday morning the check engine and low water lights came on in my 1998 Chevrolet Cavalier and the air bag light shines regardless. As I was looking at these lights, God spoke to me and reminded me that sometimes we just need to check our spiritual engine (our heart) and see if our water level is low and if our airbags (weapons of warfare) are in place. Our water level gets low when we don’t stay in the Word and therefore we get out of alignment with Gods Word; giving satan room to move in. We must have our weapons of warfare in place, be prepared at all times because satan is out to kill, steal, and destroy.  (John 10:10)  (Ephesians 6:10-18) We are to be lights in this dark world and shine brightly for God.

I don’t know about you, but I am tired of allowing satan to steal from me and it’s time I take my stuff back!  So as I press on for God in writing this blog; I am taking my stuff back by going into the enemy’s camp and shedding light on the darkness. Once exposed to light; he can’t use it against me anymore!

As I told you before in my first post I am definitely not the person that I use to be. I am not perfect but thank God I am redeemed. My life was consumed at one time by bitterness, hatred, envy, jealousy, deep rooted anger, rage, selfishness, hatefulness, spitefulness, etc… not a pretty picture; but God!

The following poem and follow up story were written by me May 21, 2008:

I have had many spiritual struggles since I wrote all of  this but God makes beauty from ashes.

My Angel of God

My Daughter is an Angel from above,

She has given me so much love.

Even when abused,

She sought refuge

In our Heavenly Father above.

I mistreated her dearly,

Sometimes severely,

When she was just a tot.

Her life has been rough

But she remembered God is tough,

So she held fast

In her love for me

And our Father above.

Thank God above

She is filled with His Love

And led me straight to “Him”.

It took many a year

Before I could hear

And seek the forgiveness

Of my “Father” dear.

It took God above

Filling me with His Love

To become today

A woman who wants to obey!

Thank you Dear Father for forgiving me

And allowing her

to never forget.

That as “You” forgive,

we must also forgive and forget.

Her faith so strong

Lasting for so long

Led me straight to you.

Without this Special Angel you sent

I don’t know where I would be,

Because she has always been

a Special Friend

And never lost hope in me!

With my daughter at my side

We seek You God with pride

And love You more each day!

Thank you Dear Father

For my Special Angel,

Who refused to give up on me.

Someday in Heaven we will be!  ©

May 21, 2008 — Faith the size of a mustard seed is all it took for Samantha to hold on to the love of God. She was around the age of 5 when I realized just exactly what I was doing to her. Being a single mom, stressed out with work, raising a child alone, working full time, paying all the bills, just doing everything to raise her all alone and receiving very little if any child support. I was so emotionally wrapped up in me, that I would get mad at the drop of a dime and yell and scream at her. I would often spank her just because I was mad and she didn’t do exactly as I wanted her to do. But, I woke up and realized what was going on after months of this behavior. I then started counting to cool off before I did anything to her. If she was doing as she was suppose to by the time I reached the number 5, everything was fine and I didn’t lose control. This counting to 5 really helped me, but I owe it all to God; because He was always with us, even when I didn’t think so. He helped the two of us all 10 years that we were alone. This time in my life was very emotional and I didn’t know what to do. This came after much physical, mental and emotional abuse earlier in my life from previous relationships and marriages. But I finally woke up and said “Who is suppose to punish me for being bad or for not doing as I am suppose to”? There was nobody there except she and I; at least that’s what I thought!

So we were on and off in church. She would beg me to take her and I would go on occasion. But I always took her to Vacation Bible School. She truly enjoyed it and would beg me to go back to go to Sunday school. After VBS, I would go to church with her but not Sunday school, for maybe a month and then once in a while thereafter until it was none at all. But she always, always would ask “Mommy can we go to church on Sunday”?

Moving to Richlands after re-marrying in 2005 (3 years ago at this time) we were lucky enough to live walking distance to church. Samantha’s experience with this church started out with VBS and she had fun and wanted to go back. Being within walking distance, as she got older, she would walk to church if I was unable to bring her or get her a ride. Because there again; I didn’t really want to go, I was too busy, didn’t feel like going, wanted to just rest or sleep late, needed to do something else. Any reason I could think of was basically what I was trying to come up with. And I know it was just satan himself standing in the way of me seeking salvation. Then recently, when everything seemed to be wrong in my life and I felt as if I had lost everything, she said to me “Mama, I want you to join me at church and in the choir”. At that point, I started driving her and staying for her choir practice and going to church to listen to her sing in the choir. Then the Spirit of God fell upon me and I asked Him for forgiveness of my sins. After being baptized on February 10, 2008 along with her, I have joined her in the choir and church.

There have been some rough times still because I didn’t allow God to work in my life and I tried to handle things myself. But, I know that I must allow God to do His work and have the Faith that my little girl had when she was only a Tot!

I thank Him every day, that He Blessed me with this Wonderful Daughter, who is here as His Angel; because He used her to rescue me!       (May 21, 2008)

The above poem and story was my testimony that I shared with a small group of women in 2008. I have held onto this until our trip with our Emerge Ministries Family to Washington, DC a few weeks ago. I allowed one of my precious Sisters to read it and today I am sharing with you. Since writing this in 2008 my life has been through many storms and my faith had wavered but today I know one thing for sure is that God is All I Need. With Him all things are possible and He makes beauty from our ashes!

Whatever you are going through today; just know God Loves You right where you are; right in the middle of your mess. Ask Him and He will help you. He used the faith of a little girl and her prayers to save my life. Never dismiss the faithful prayer of a little child; they could be the only person praying for you, as was in my case. I thank God that he blessed me with such an amazingly beautiful daughter with an incredibly beautiful heart!

We must have childlike faith!

Matthew 18:3 – And he (Jesus) said, “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”

Psalm 116:6 – The Lord protects those of childlike faith; I was facing death, and he saved me.

God Loves You and So Do I !

Join me next week as my journey to true love continues!

Keep me in your prayers as it gets harder before it gets better…

Much Love to You All!   XOXOXO

The Battle is Real – Depression, Almost Death and Homelessness

To get something you never had; you have to do something you never did! These words stand out to me because we all want more out of life than what we have. I am not seeking material things however at this point in my life; I have finally figured out exactly what it is that I want. I may not always be on the right path but God has placed good Godly people in my life to help steer me along. What I seek now in life is to be a Disciple of Christ winning souls for His Kingdom. And I desire a Godly husband to serve with me side by side; hand in hand and God has promised me this!

Matthew 6:33 (NIV) But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Luke 12:31 (NIV) But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

After running from God for many years; not seeking his kingdom first my life has been a train wreck. Not every moment has been bad; but God had so much more planned for me. Boy did I ever mess that up!  But my daughter made a statement the other day that hit home. She said, “If you hadn’t of gone through everything that you have, you wouldn’t be able to share your story and help others”! True words for sure and although I am not proud of my past; I am grateful that God can use my life to help others. This is why I am sharing my life story.

It’s funny how events in life affect the rest of your life. From the time I was a little girl feeling unloved, unworthy and rejected from those around me; this started a cycle in my life that I just couldn’t seem to derail. The feelings of inadequacy kept me thinking that I didn’t deserve more in life so I settled. I think this is how a lot of girls and boys think too. But now that I know who I am in Christ; I know that I am not second-rate and I never have to settle for less than God’s best. He is using me now to help others who are in that place where I came from. In our brokenness the pain starts a cycle in your life but when you let go and let God; your life changes completely. We will face many ups and downs on our journey; therefore we must choose every morning to put on the full armor of God so that we can be prepared.

Ephesians 6:10-18 –Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and put on the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but  against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints—

Yesterday was my birthday and I received the sweetest card from my daughter. As I read this card I cried because the words mean so much to me. Knowing what I put her through and how I treated her over a number of years; she should hate me. But God!! As my blog for God continues you will see why these words in this card mean so much to me. Praise God for a daughter that loves me unconditionally; and for my God who loves me unconditionally and for both of them never giving up on me!

Moving to Pin Hook in January 1994 was probably not one of the smartest of  ideas; but we had to go somewhere. With Samantha’s dad back in his old stomping grounds with old friends it created more drama than I had bargained for. Our life at first was ok as we were excited to be able to have a place we knew we wouldn’t have to move from. And on Samantha’s first birthday I went to work at a daycare center only because they had an opening for her in the baby room. I just knew that life would get better for us now. But the next year brought many challenges and things I never had dreamed of.

As I worked at daycare; I decided I wanted to become a teacher assistant and work in the school system so I started classes to do this. Samantha’s dad worked out of town a lot during this year and I realized he was into things that I had hoped he would have left behind.  Then he decided to build houses and joined up with a local contractor and they became partners. So now he is home with us.

I wanted a good life for Samantha but as time went on I realized things were never going to change. The battles between her dad and I began when I came home and realized that drugs had been in our home. And every time I said anything about the drugs; I would get put down and that finger in my face.  I didn’t want my baby girl to be in this.

Things started to disappear around the house; and one night as I looked over my bank statement I realized checks had been written that I had not written. He had stolen 10 checks from my checkbook; therefore all the bills I had paid were not paid; the checks bounced. As the effects of drugs took over his life; the effects of anger, depression, and hopelessness took over mine.

As I pour out my heart and soul here; please pray for me as this is extremely difficult to tell!

Deep anger, depression and anxiety has many effects on a person. And as one thing after another came against me, against us as a family Samantha’s dad and I grew apart; separating us into separate bedrooms. I didn’t know how to fix it and I just wanted out! I wanted the pain to end!  Things got worse and out of control; I knew he had a pistol in the car so one night when we were arguing and fighting; I’d had enough. I ran to the car grabbed the pistol, put it to my head and tried pulling the trigger; the safety was on and I didn’t know how to take it off. I didn’t realize it at the time but God was protecting me! Oh how selfish of me to want to do this but this was not the last time unfortunately!

The addiction increased; his money decreased and when I refused to give him what I had that I needed to take care of Samantha with; he became violent. Therefore many nights I put Samantha in bed with me to pull the bed to the door just to keep her dad from getting in and hurting me. As things spun out of control over the months ahead; things got really out of hand during a huge fight. Something had taken over me and I became someone I never wanted to be. Just like in the show “Snapped” I did snap and was so focused on taking him out to stop my pain; I wasn’t thinking about anything or anyone else.

I know now that is was satan only out to destroy me completely. But thank God that Samantha screamed for us to stop; when she was only two years old. I had a machete knife in my hand and was about to take his life! Oh the devastation I almost caused  Samantha! She would have been without a mother and a daddy as he would have been dead and I would have been in prison! I can still see all of this playing over in my memory. I will never forget the look on her face as she cried and screamed for me to stop. Needless to say things completely went down hill after all of this.

Right after Samantha’s second birthday is when I had finally had enough. It seemed nothing was going to change; my anger was only increasing and I had started drinking more as I was trying to drown the pain. We held on while sleeping separately until after Christmas. The day after Christmas I had his stuff packed and on the back porch to move to a place he was renting. I couldn’t do this anymore!

I had been in a wreck right after I had given my 2 week notice at my job in September of that year as I had planned to go to work in the school system. Well it so happened; I didn’t go to work in the school system I was hurt from the wreck. I had no job as she had already hired someone for my position, Samantha’s dad moved out,  I lost my car, then the electricity was turned off! Guess what, it’s winter and I have a two year old who is delayed in everything she does. Still in diapers and still needing milk and food!

I didn’t know what to do and  I was totally devastated. I thought about going to work at a bar as a dancer/stripper as I knew they made a lot of money. But something just wouldn’t let me do that. I know now that it was God and I am so thankful. But what I did do was move in with my ex sister and brother in law that so graciously gave us a room to sleep in.  With a lot of drinking and partying every weekend Samantha and I stayed there for about three months until something happened and then I moved into my parents home. By this time I had obtained a job, gotten another car and finally starting to make headway. When I was finally able to get the electricity turned back on in our single wide we moved back home. Then the next year after tax refund; I moved that single wide to Potters Hill.

The time frame from moving back in until moving to Potters Hill was trying. Samantha’s dad fell deeper into drugs; lost everything he had and when he went to stay with his mom; we started going to church in Wilmington together. I re-dedicated my life to God and was baptized. But just like when I was 15 years old, I ran again! When we couldn’t get it to work out; I sought love from other men instead of from God. What a year!  Looks like I would have learned by this time.

God makes beauty from our ashes! I am forever grateful because my ashes have been extremely ugly. The anger, depression, anxiety, hatred, and bitterness are only about to increase as time goes by. My choices got me where I am and my choices put me in every situation that I was in. But praise God that He loved me enough to not leave me there!

Join me next week as life in Potters Hill begins!

God Loves You and So Do I !

Be Blessed!