To get something you never had; you have to do something you never did! These words stand out to me because we all want more out of life than what we have. I am not seeking material things however at this point in my life; I have finally figured out exactly what it is that I want. I may not always be on the right path but God has placed good Godly people in my life to help steer me along. What I seek now in life is to be a Disciple of Christ winning souls for His Kingdom. And I desire a Godly husband to serve with me side by side; hand in hand and God has promised me this!
Matthew 6:33 (NIV) But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Luke 12:31 (NIV) But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.
After running from God for many years; not seeking his kingdom first my life has been a train wreck. Not every moment has been bad; but God had so much more planned for me. Boy did I ever mess that up! But my daughter made a statement the other day that hit home. She said, “If you hadn’t of gone through everything that you have, you wouldn’t be able to share your story and help others”! True words for sure and although I am not proud of my past; I am grateful that God can use my life to help others. This is why I am sharing my life story.
It’s funny how events in life affect the rest of your life. From the time I was a little girl feeling unloved, unworthy and rejected from those around me; this started a cycle in my life that I just couldn’t seem to derail. The feelings of inadequacy kept me thinking that I didn’t deserve more in life so I settled. I think this is how a lot of girls and boys think too. But now that I know who I am in Christ; I know that I am not second-rate and I never have to settle for less than God’s best. He is using me now to help others who are in that place where I came from. In our brokenness the pain starts a cycle in your life but when you let go and let God; your life changes completely. We will face many ups and downs on our journey; therefore we must choose every morning to put on the full armor of God so that we can be prepared.
Ephesians 6:10-18 –Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and put on the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints—
Yesterday was my birthday and I received the sweetest card from my daughter. As I read this card I cried because the words mean so much to me. Knowing what I put her through and how I treated her over a number of years; she should hate me. But God!! As my blog for God continues you will see why these words in this card mean so much to me. Praise God for a daughter that loves me unconditionally; and for my God who loves me unconditionally and for both of them never giving up on me!
Moving to Pin Hook in January 1994 was probably not one of the smartest of ideas; but we had to go somewhere. With Samantha’s dad back in his old stomping grounds with old friends it created more drama than I had bargained for. Our life at first was ok as we were excited to be able to have a place we knew we wouldn’t have to move from. And on Samantha’s first birthday I went to work at a daycare center only because they had an opening for her in the baby room. I just knew that life would get better for us now. But the next year brought many challenges and things I never had dreamed of.
As I worked at daycare; I decided I wanted to become a teacher assistant and work in the school system so I started classes to do this. Samantha’s dad worked out of town a lot during this year and I realized he was into things that I had hoped he would have left behind. Then he decided to build houses and joined up with a local contractor and they became partners. So now he is home with us.
I wanted a good life for Samantha but as time went on I realized things were never going to change. The battles between her dad and I began when I came home and realized that drugs had been in our home. And every time I said anything about the drugs; I would get put down and that finger in my face. I didn’t want my baby girl to be in this.
Things started to disappear around the house; and one night as I looked over my bank statement I realized checks had been written that I had not written. He had stolen 10 checks from my checkbook; therefore all the bills I had paid were not paid; the checks bounced. As the effects of drugs took over his life; the effects of anger, depression, and hopelessness took over mine.
As I pour out my heart and soul here; please pray for me as this is extremely difficult to tell!
Deep anger, depression and anxiety has many effects on a person. And as one thing after another came against me, against us as a family Samantha’s dad and I grew apart; separating us into separate bedrooms. I didn’t know how to fix it and I just wanted out! I wanted the pain to end! Things got worse and out of control; I knew he had a pistol in the car so one night when we were arguing and fighting; I’d had enough. I ran to the car grabbed the pistol, put it to my head and tried pulling the trigger; the safety was on and I didn’t know how to take it off. I didn’t realize it at the time but God was protecting me! Oh how selfish of me to want to do this but this was not the last time unfortunately!
The addiction increased; his money decreased and when I refused to give him what I had that I needed to take care of Samantha with; he became violent. Therefore many nights I put Samantha in bed with me to pull the bed to the door just to keep her dad from getting in and hurting me. As things spun out of control over the months ahead; things got really out of hand during a huge fight. Something had taken over me and I became someone I never wanted to be. Just like in the show “Snapped” I did snap and was so focused on taking him out to stop my pain; I wasn’t thinking about anything or anyone else.
I know now that is was satan only out to destroy me completely. But thank God that Samantha screamed for us to stop; when she was only two years old. I had a machete knife in my hand and was about to take his life! Oh the devastation I almost caused Samantha! She would have been without a mother and a daddy as he would have been dead and I would have been in prison! I can still see all of this playing over in my memory. I will never forget the look on her face as she cried and screamed for me to stop. Needless to say things completely went down hill after all of this.
Right after Samantha’s second birthday is when I had finally had enough. It seemed nothing was going to change; my anger was only increasing and I had started drinking more as I was trying to drown the pain. We held on while sleeping separately until after Christmas. The day after Christmas I had his stuff packed and on the back porch to move to a place he was renting. I couldn’t do this anymore!
I had been in a wreck right after I had given my 2 week notice at my job in September of that year as I had planned to go to work in the school system. Well it so happened; I didn’t go to work in the school system I was hurt from the wreck. I had no job as she had already hired someone for my position, Samantha’s dad moved out, I lost my car, then the electricity was turned off! Guess what, it’s winter and I have a two year old who is delayed in everything she does. Still in diapers and still needing milk and food!
I didn’t know what to do and I was totally devastated. I thought about going to work at a bar as a dancer/stripper as I knew they made a lot of money. But something just wouldn’t let me do that. I know now that it was God and I am so thankful. But what I did do was move in with my ex sister and brother in law that so graciously gave us a room to sleep in. With a lot of drinking and partying every weekend Samantha and I stayed there for about three months until something happened and then I moved into my parents home. By this time I had obtained a job, gotten another car and finally starting to make headway. When I was finally able to get the electricity turned back on in our single wide we moved back home. Then the next year after tax refund; I moved that single wide to Potters Hill.
The time frame from moving back in until moving to Potters Hill was trying. Samantha’s dad fell deeper into drugs; lost everything he had and when he went to stay with his mom; we started going to church in Wilmington together. I re-dedicated my life to God and was baptized. But just like when I was 15 years old, I ran again! When we couldn’t get it to work out; I sought love from other men instead of from God. What a year! Looks like I would have learned by this time.
God makes beauty from our ashes! I am forever grateful because my ashes have been extremely ugly. The anger, depression, anxiety, hatred, and bitterness are only about to increase as time goes by. My choices got me where I am and my choices put me in every situation that I was in. But praise God that He loved me enough to not leave me there!
Join me next week as life in Potters Hill begins!
God Loves You and So Do I !