Hell For My Daughter In The Changing Seasons of My Life -Part 1

Just like the sun rises and sets at different times each day; with perhaps just a few seconds difference. Those few seconds of our time can make a world of difference and can affect  someone else or perhaps our own life. God has reminded me this week of the difference that time makes and that we have to slow down and  be patient with others. Showing a little (TLC) tender loving care, mercy, and grace; loving as Jesus did on this earth and as God grants to us every day is the only way to have a life. In my extremely busy schedule as a single mom; I really have to adhere to the voice of God and listen to my own daughter. As sometimes I just get too busy and need to slow down and be patient myself with her. I am not perfect but God is guiding and teaching me daily.

Seasons change, but here in North Carolina it seems we can experience all four seasons in one week. It is only February and just this week I have seen so many flowers and trees blooming; pollen and green grass. Just yesterday I went to the beach and it was overrun with people. Just as quickly as the seasons change so can our lives. Two seconds, two minutes that we take to pray for others or just listen to them or perhaps pray for our self can make a world of difference. A few seconds is all it takes to ask God to forgive us and to come into our lives, to make our request be known. Or simply just to show someone that we truly care.

On the way to work this week I saw a Bradford Pear tree laying on the ground. It had been blown over by the hurricane force winds back a few months ago. Although this tree had been blown over it was full of life; beautiful white flowers cover this tree. It’s the same way in life. When we get knocked down and discouraged and feel that we just want to give up and die; we can still keep blooming. God will give us a new wine and do a new thing in us; if we ask, trust and believe. Just a few seconds is all it takes but we must continually fellowship with God in prayer and in studying of His Word to grow and get out and stay out of that pit. I don’t know about you but I want to flourish and be used by God for His Glory! I so wish I could have realized all of this years ago then perhaps things would have been different for my precious daughter. But she is constantly reminding me that if I had not experienced all that I have; then I wouldn’t be able to help those that are going through now. She is truly my cheerleader.

Now my life story continues:

Moving to Potter’s Hill was to be a new beginning, a new life for Samantha and myself. We were away from the reminders of the past and closer to my family. However, life was very stressful, challenging and full of heartache for us both. I definitely wasn’t the mama I needed to be as I had so much anger inside.

I was dating a really great guy and we dated for two years before he broke it off with me. My actions, attitude and deceptiveness ran him away. He was the first person that actually had faith in me and encouraged me to accomplish something in my life. I sang with him in a band;  well I practiced more than I sang; but you get the picture. And he encouraged me when I left daycare to get my Property & Casualty Insurance license to work at the insurance office. Nothing but uplifting to me; but when I started to party more; constantly getting drunk things changed. He started going to church with his Dad and he didn’t want to stay over with me anymore. Our relationship drifted and that is when I started getting a little a crazy so to speak. It was then I had  caught the attention of another guy who lived down the road. It was convenient for him to visit; so I started hanging out with him some, just as friends. But I shouldn’t have done this; as it was not the right thing to do.

Dealing with the extreme anxiety of loosing people all my life and the difficult relationships that I had endured; I started having anxiety/panic attacks when things started going awry.  With these attacks I would go to the hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack. Well you remember I told you before that I had hissy fits as a child. Well those hissy fits followed me into adulthood. Only my screaming, crying and kicking turned into yelling, crying and chest pains along with not being able to breathe. I soon realized that these attacks allowed others to focus on me; therefore giving me the attention that I so desperately wanted. What a self-centered and self-seeking control tactic that was! Selfish me!! I didn’t see this at that time; but I do now.

Unfortunately, this attention seeking tactic was a form of controlling and manipulating others into staying in my life! And after a while it didn’t work. I think he wanted to get his life right with God and I wanted no part of it; or perhaps he was just so tired of my craziness that he couldn’t handle anymore. Quite frankly; I do not blame him as I would have dumped me too!  So when we split I became extremely angry and became even more of a drunk.

Poor Samantha, stuck with a mama who is angry at the world and doesn’t see a brighter future insight. Samantha was in 1st grade when I realized she was struggling in school. For the life of me, I could not understand why this child could not get it! I mean really! I was a Beta Club student and she was failing! ? How could this be!

She had struggled and been behind with everything since she was just an infant. My anger was deep and unfortunately my beautiful daughter is the one who caught the brunt of my anger. I remember yelling at her for not being able to understand her school work; asking her was she stupid and saying what is wrong with you! Oh, how I wish I could take all those heartless words and comments back! I hurt my child most by my words  more so than by any other means. I did spank her and sometimes out of anger. Just as I had told you in an earlier story; it got to the point I had to start counting to 5 to cool down so I wasn’t so rough on her. Sometimes I was fearful that I was really going to hurt her; but I realize now I did! My actions, attitudes and harshness to my child hurt her more than anything. Instead of being the loving mommy that she needed; I remember being harsh sounding and full of anger.

As my drinking increased; I found new friends to hang out with through my neighbor. We all  started going out to clubs and hanging out in Potters Hill on occasion and drinking. However this only happened when Samantha was with her daddy or at my parents; as I never left her alone. But I had been falsely accused and turned into DSS when I was dating the guy from my uncles band; stating that I was leaving her (at the age of 5) alone at night to sing. Boy did that ever scare the daylight out of me. I was panicking out of fear they were going to take my child away from me!

You would think with all the stuff I had gone through I would finally get it together. I wanted so much to give Samantha a good life; I just didn’t know how. When the whole time the answer was in her heart and in her mouth…. Mommy take me to church!

Psalm 25:12-21New International Version (NIV)

12 Who, then, are those who fear the Lord?
    He will instruct them in the ways they should choose.[a]
13 They will spend their days in prosperity,
    and their descendants will inherit the land.
14 The Lord confides in those who fear him;
    he makes his covenant known to them.
15 My eyes are ever on the Lord,
    for only he will release my feet from the snare.

16 Turn to me and be gracious to me,
    for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 Relieve the troubles of my heart
    and free me from my anguish.
18 Look on my affliction and my distress
    and take away all my sins.
19 See how numerous are my enemies
    and how fiercely they hate me!

20 Guard my life and rescue me;
    do not let me be put to shame,
    for I take refuge in you.
21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,
    because my hope, Lord,[b] is in you.

Just as the seasons are so quickly to change and in just a few seconds a life can change for ever; our life can change for the better if we just allow God to be in control. Samantha’s life and others that I have encountered along the way have been affected by my 2 seconds, 2 minutes, or even 2 years. Although my earlier years were so full of negativity and I’m still growing with Christ; I pray that my future be even brighter and the only effect that I have on your life is positivity!  May God use my ugly ashes to bring glory to Him as you see what a difference He can make in one woman’s life. I am not perfect; but I know the perfect one!

Take 2 seconds, 2 minutes, 2 days and make a difference in someone else’s life! It could mean the difference between life or death!

Thank you for all of your support my dear friend when you encouraged me to sing and to get my insurance license. You made a huge difference in my life and I didn’t realize it at that time. Thank you for everything you did for Samantha and myself. Please forgive me!

Join me next week as I continue this blog for God.

Much Love to You All !

To never miss a post; please subscribe to my blog.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *