The Dance of Darkness

In a Facebook post this week I saw a picture that read “If you’re not lighting any candles, then don’t complain about being in the dark.” This got me to thinking about all the darkness that was in my life at one time. I sure wasn’t lighting any candles to brighten my way. If anything I was blowing them out; more like burying them as I ran from God. I allowed such doom and gloom into my life; not only affecting me but my precious daughter and everyone that tried to love me.

Just recently we had a prophetic night of worship at church and a very precious friend said, “Forgiveness is the hardest thing you can do and the most strongest thing you can do.” These words are so very powerful! A long and difficult journey it has been; but I have finally been able to forgive not only others, but myself.

As I think back over my life there were many times I just couldn’t seem to find it in me to forgive anyone. Angry and depressed I wanted to place the blame on everyone else for all the injustice in my life. The truth is, my own choices had a huge part of me being where I was. And not learning at an early age how to handle rejection and anger, put me on an uphill battle. The strongest thing I could have done was forgiven those early in life that hurt me so deeply, learned how to accept the negative from others and deal with my own demons. Easier said than done; as it has taken me totally submitting myself to Christ to do this. I was never able to do so even with the psychiatrist help. But God! The one thing I have realized is that as I grew up, I found it harder to forgive myself than to forgive others. I have been my own worst critic. 

Ephesians 4:32 – And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.

Ezekiel 36:26 (NLT) And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.

Anger, bitterness and unforgiveness can wreak havoc on a body. In 1996 Samantha and I were involved in a rear-end collision. This wreck and the pain afterwards was the onset of many years of sickness and three operations. While living in Potters Hill on top of the anxiety, depression, anger and panic attacks I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome,  High Blood Pressure, Fibromyalgia and my back would lock up due to injury from the wreck. I had 9 vertebrae that had been moved out of alignment from my neck down from the wreck. And even after chiropractic care I still had trouble. On top of being extremely depressed and angry about my life I now had to deal with all of this. I wanted so much more for my daughter than to be a single mom who was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. The only way I knew how to cope was to bury it in a bottle, smoke cigarettes and adult pleasure; but that just brought on more troubles of its own.

I wanted to move away thinking that a change of scenery would change my life; but Samantha didn’t want to leave her grandparents. I was basically trying to just run from my problems. It was idiotic of me to think that moving would solve my issues! So  I decided I would go to college at night while I worked at Nationwide Insurance during the day. Mr. Benny (associate agent) had encouraged me to go to school to get my degree and then have a chance at bettering the life’s of Samantha and myself. I registered and was awarded financial aid to cover the cost. However, with my parents work schedules it was not convenient for them to keep Samantha while I was in school. And they didn’t really see the need for me to receive a college education as I was working at Nationwide. I was very upset and once again, I felt like a failure and couldn’t seem to find a way to make our life’s better. If only I would have listened to my child and just took her to church, but no I was still running from God!

Samantha wanted a daddy so badly. She was picked on by the kids on the school bus for not having a daddy at home. I remember for Christmas all she would ask for was a daddy; she would say “Mommy I want Santa Claus to bring me a daddy for Christmas!” This broke my heart and sent me searching anyway possible to find her a father figure. So between going out to the clubs and meeting people from online chat rooms I met many people. But as soon as anyone started to get close; I would push them away. Finding anything that I could wrong to not get close to them. I knew I had issues that I needed to deal with and didn’t want them to see my anger. Unfortunately, after running many off it didn’t work for one very persistent man.

To God Be The Glory, Forever!

Join me next week when this story continues and all hell starts to break loose.

Much Love To You All!

Donna

Check out my newest blog for God with Emerge Ministries at emerge4unity.org

Making or Breaking My Child

The past few weeks have been extremely emotional for me. I have witnessed many things that God has used to remind me of where I was many years ago. This blog is a healing journey for me and as I have mentioned many times; my prayer is that though my trials, others will be helped. God is definitely on the move as I know healing allows me to grow. And as I continue to pour my heart out; just know I am so thankful that I am not who I once was. I am still not perfect; but I am chosen, loved, and redeemed! I am His!

The deep dark secrets that we try to hide are the very things that Satan uses to keep us bound. God sees everything so there is no need to try to hide them as we are only hurting ourselves. These deep secrets are the things that have kept me bound for years. We allow others to see what we want them to see; but the proof is in the pudding so to speak. What is happening behind closed doors? It is behind these closed doors that things wreak havoc on a little kids life!

The past few weeks I have seen children completely devastated by the way their parents have talked to and treated them. One little girl was blamed and told it was her fault for not telling her mom and dad about the time of an activity. They are the adults and in charge; so why must they blame her? Another child fell completely apart when she overheard her mom say that the other kids were the good kids. Hurtful words destroy little souls!  Then at a local restaurant, a waitress was new and learning and bless her heart she spilled tea all over my nephews cell phone. She was terrified and cried because it upset her so bad. She just knew she was going to be cussed at and perhaps lose her job. After that she was very timid; I approached her and told her it was ok, accidents happen and I gave her a hug. Her frown changed to a smile with tears in her eyes as she said, “You are so sweet,  bless you.” My old self would have totally destroyed this young lady. The actions and reactions that we have affect our children so much. Our words can encourage and help them grow or totally destroy them to the point they need professional help.

Being a single mom is extremely tough, but we can do it without destroying our children. I sure wish I would have know then what I realize now. But I was only living day to day thinking of what I wanted most of the time. I tried to say I was doing things for Samantha such as trying to find someone to marry so she would have a daddy. But the truth was I felt like I had to have someone in my life in order to be someone.  However my anger, depression, hopelessness, and panic attacks were all self-induced and kept people from wanting me. And once I finally realized what was going on with me; I was afraid to get close to anyone. Because I didn’t want anyone else to see the angry me, as I didn’t know how to control it. So when someone became interested and tried to get close; I would push them away.  I didn’t know how life was suppose to be; but I do know that my not knowing caused havoc for my daughter.

Speaking with Samantha this week I asked her what bad things she remembers about her earlier years. And what she said totally broke my heart! She said “Mama you probably ain’t going to like this but I remember when you were mad and you picked me up and shook me”. “And I remember when you and daddy were arguing and you had the knife in your hand.” She also remembers a time when she was about 7 years old, that I was extremely drunk and vomiting while my head was hanging on the side of the toilet and I asked her to pour out my vodka.

These are definitely not the memories I want my child to remember! It totally breaks my heart to know that all her visits and mine to the psychiatrist could have been avoided; if only I had of gotten my act together. It was my fault that she needed help and that I needed it too! My choices affected the both of us!

As parents we have to be mature, responsible role models for our children so that they are able to grow and flourish. I hurt Samantha, physically, mentally and emotionally. Did I mean for it to happen, of course not! But it happened. And it could have been avoided if I had learned how to control my anger by allowing God into my life instead of running all those years. Instead of pursuing God; I was pursuing the things of the world and it almost killed me as I attempted and contemplated suicide several times. Praise God on February 2, 2014 God performed a miracle in my heart and removed that deep-rooted anger that had held me hostage since childhood. It hurts me deeply knowing that my precious daughter has grown up in a home that wasn’t ideal, but God never left her side, nor mine! He makes beauty from our ashes.

Just as the fog and the trees block the light and make it difficult to see the sun; if we have dark things in our life these block our relationship with the Son. These things will suffocate us and block out the blessings and spiritual growth that God so desires for us. Willingness and obedience are key to expansion. It will hurt as we expand, but pain brings good things when we allow God to do the expansion.

Ezekiel 36:26 (NLT) And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.

Micah 6:8 (NLT) -“….. this is what He requires of you, to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.”

Matthew 6:21 – For where your treasure is; there your heart will be also.

As the time changed this weekend for daylight savings; perhaps it’s time to spring forward into the calling on your life. Use the gifts that God has given you to glorify Him! As Pastor Jim always says, “If you have a heartbeat, you have a purpose”!

To God Be The Glory, Forever!

Join me next week when this story continues…..

Much Love To You All!

Donna

Check out my newest blog for God with Emerge Ministries at:  emerge4unity.org

 

 

 

Part 2 -Hell For My Daughter In The Changing Seasons of My Life

Last week was off the chart crazy. It seemed like I was busier and more tired than usual; to the point when I sat on the couch I fell asleep.  Never happens – Not normal! The thing is I had two blogs and a newsletter to write on top of everything else going on. A lot to do in a little time and as a perfectionist I worried it may not be good enough or not what was wanted or needed. God kept telling me to trust Him, and of course I was being a little hard-headed; well perhaps a lot. But He told me that it will all be ok; that it’s in his timing not mine or anyone else’s. Several days last week He reminded me that I need to realize that our timing and His are different. I don’t have to have it all right now, that some things are worth waiting for. The best is yet to come! All I need to do is listen to him as he guides me; being obedient.

I didn’t understand what He was telling me or why I just couldn’t get my post done by my deadline; until this morning. Wow!  The picture you see is the first time I have ever seen the sun just barely rising up in the trees, between the red lights. I drive this way every morning to work and on this morning is when I saw this. God let me know that my post wasn’t ready yesterday because He needed me to see this to give me a message to share. He said, “We have stop lights in our life that keep us from rising to become the men and women that He has created and called us to be.” These stop lights that keep us bound are fear, pride, anxiety, depression, disobedience, family, friends and wrong relationships. I now realize the struggle I was having was like a stop light to keep me from moving forward into the calling God has on my life.

Sometimes life gets very trying for me as a single mom working full time, taking care of life’s responsibilities myself. With yard work, house work, full time job, blogging, ministry, church nursery worker, FCA, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, great aunt, and friend I don’t get much free time. So yes; like everyone else I get tired and last week was one of those that I was allowing the burden’s of life to overtake me. In doing so I became fearful; afraid to move forward for fear of failure. The only failure would have been if I hadn’t tried at all. But as I have heard a lot lately; to get something you’ve never had, you have to do something you’ve never done. So guess what?!  I will keep on keeping on for God as I write both blogs; this one and the one at Emerge4unity.org. I am reminded that all things are possible to those who believe and that I can do all things through Christ who strengthen me.

Mark 9:23 (AMP ) Jesus said to him, “(You say to Me,) If You can? All things are possible for the one who believes and trusts (in Me)!

Philippians 4:13 (AMP) I can do all things (which He has called me to do) through Him who strengthens and empowers me (to fulfill His purpose – I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency; I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him who infuses me with inner strength and confident peace.”)

God had several reasons for me waiting until today to finish this blog post. I needed to be patient and wait on His timing; as patience hasn’t always been a strong suit for me. And I needed to see the sun’s position behind the red stop lights so that He could remind me not to allow fear and anxiety to keep me from rising up and becoming who He has called me to be.

Rise up and become who God created you to be. Don’t allow those stop lights in your life to keep you from moving forward. The best is yet to come! Trust God!

Now my story continues:

Life in Potters Hill was more like an emotional rollercoaster more so than anything. Between my drinking and thinking that I so desperately had to have someone in my life; I stayed rather busy looking for that one. Never realizing that I just needed to heal from the heartache and pain of my life. I didn’t stop to think what I was possibly doing to Samantha. To me she was my child and I was the adult; I could do exactly as I wanted. However, all the while thinking that I was doing the right thing because she so desperately wanted a daddy. But the harder I tried the angrier and more depressed I got. Anger and depression in a mommy is not good for a child.

Drinking only took the pain away as long I was intoxicated, but just as soon as I was sober I felt awful. And guess what!! The same problems I was drinking to drown, were still there waiting on me once I sobered up! There were no simple answers for this rebellious woman, it seemed everything was difficult; perhaps because I made it that way.

Still running from God, Samantha would constantly ask if we could go to church. I didn’t want to be considered a hypocrite by partying on Saturday night and sitting in church on Sunday so I would not take her. I didn’t realize at that time that church was like a hospital; I needed to go to be healed.  So you see, God was working on me then. I knew at that time I was living wrong; but I just wanted to do my own thing, when I wanted too, how I wanted too and look where that got me!

Join me next week as the story continues.

Please keep me in prayer as I continue this story as it will get extremely difficult to share. May God receive the glory for He makes beauty from ashes.

When God calls you to it; He will make a way!

Much Love To You All,

Donna