The past few weeks have been extremely emotional for me. I have witnessed many things that God has used to remind me of where I was many years ago. This blog is a healing journey for me and as I have mentioned many times; my prayer is that though my trials, others will be helped. God is definitely on the move as I know healing allows me to grow. And as I continue to pour my heart out; just know I am so thankful that I am not who I once was. I am still not perfect; but I am chosen, loved, and redeemed! I am His!
The deep dark secrets that we try to hide are the very things that Satan uses to keep us bound. God sees everything so there is no need to try to hide them as we are only hurting ourselves. These deep secrets are the things that have kept me bound for years. We allow others to see what we want them to see; but the proof is in the pudding so to speak. What is happening behind closed doors? It is behind these closed doors that things wreak havoc on a little kids life!
The past few weeks I have seen children completely devastated by the way their parents have talked to and treated them. One little girl was blamed and told it was her fault for not telling her mom and dad about the time of an activity. They are the adults and in charge; so why must they blame her? Another child fell completely apart when she overheard her mom say that the other kids were the good kids. Hurtful words destroy little souls! Then at a local restaurant, a waitress was new and learning and bless her heart she spilled tea all over my nephews cell phone. She was terrified and cried because it upset her so bad. She just knew she was going to be cussed at and perhaps lose her job. After that she was very timid; I approached her and told her it was ok, accidents happen and I gave her a hug. Her frown changed to a smile with tears in her eyes as she said, “You are so sweet, bless you.” My old self would have totally destroyed this young lady. The actions and reactions that we have affect our children so much. Our words can encourage and help them grow or totally destroy them to the point they need professional help.
Being a single mom is extremely tough, but we can do it without destroying our children. I sure wish I would have know then what I realize now. But I was only living day to day thinking of what I wanted most of the time. I tried to say I was doing things for Samantha such as trying to find someone to marry so she would have a daddy. But the truth was I felt like I had to have someone in my life in order to be someone. However my anger, depression, hopelessness, and panic attacks were all self-induced and kept people from wanting me. And once I finally realized what was going on with me; I was afraid to get close to anyone. Because I didn’t want anyone else to see the angry me, as I didn’t know how to control it. So when someone became interested and tried to get close; I would push them away. I didn’t know how life was suppose to be; but I do know that my not knowing caused havoc for my daughter.
Speaking with Samantha this week I asked her what bad things she remembers about her earlier years. And what she said totally broke my heart! She said “Mama you probably ain’t going to like this but I remember when you were mad and you picked me up and shook me”. “And I remember when you and daddy were arguing and you had the knife in your hand.” She also remembers a time when she was about 7 years old, that I was extremely drunk and vomiting while my head was hanging on the side of the toilet and I asked her to pour out my vodka.
These are definitely not the memories I want my child to remember! It totally breaks my heart to know that all her visits and mine to the psychiatrist could have been avoided; if only I had of gotten my act together. It was my fault that she needed help and that I needed it too! My choices affected the both of us!
As parents we have to be mature, responsible role models for our children so that they are able to grow and flourish. I hurt Samantha, physically, mentally and emotionally. Did I mean for it to happen, of course not! But it happened. And it could have been avoided if I had learned how to control my anger by allowing God into my life instead of running all those years. Instead of pursuing God; I was pursuing the things of the world and it almost killed me as I attempted and contemplated suicide several times. Praise God on February 2, 2014 God performed a miracle in my heart and removed that deep-rooted anger that had held me hostage since childhood. It hurts me deeply knowing that my precious daughter has grown up in a home that wasn’t ideal, but God never left her side, nor mine! He makes beauty from our ashes.
Just as the fog and the trees block the light and make it difficult to see the sun; if we have dark things in our life these block our relationship with the Son. These things will suffocate us and block out the blessings and spiritual growth that God so desires for us. Willingness and obedience are key to expansion. It will hurt as we expand, but pain brings good things when we allow God to do the expansion.
Ezekiel 36:26 (NLT) And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.
Micah 6:8 (NLT) -“….. this is what He requires of you, to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.”
Matthew 6:21 – For where your treasure is; there your heart will be also.
As the time changed this weekend for daylight savings; perhaps it’s time to spring forward into the calling on your life. Use the gifts that God has given you to glorify Him! As Pastor Jim always says, “If you have a heartbeat, you have a purpose”!
To God Be The Glory, Forever!
Join me next week when this story continues…..
Much Love To You All!
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