The Dance of Darkness

In a Facebook post this week I saw a picture that read “If you’re not lighting any candles, then don’t complain about being in the dark.” This got me to thinking about all the darkness that was in my life at one time. I sure wasn’t lighting any candles to brighten my way. If anything I was blowing them out; more like burying them as I ran from God. I allowed such doom and gloom into my life; not only affecting me but my precious daughter and everyone that tried to love me.

Just recently we had a prophetic night of worship at church and a very precious friend said, “Forgiveness is the hardest thing you can do and the most strongest thing you can do.” These words are so very powerful! A long and difficult journey it has been; but I have finally been able to forgive not only others, but myself.

As I think back over my life there were many times I just couldn’t seem to find it in me to forgive anyone. Angry and depressed I wanted to place the blame on everyone else for all the injustice in my life. The truth is, my own choices had a huge part of me being where I was. And not learning at an early age how to handle rejection and anger, put me on an uphill battle. The strongest thing I could have done was forgiven those early in life that hurt me so deeply, learned how to accept the negative from others and deal with my own demons. Easier said than done; as it has taken me totally submitting myself to Christ to do this. I was never able to do so even with the psychiatrist help. But God! The one thing I have realized is that as I grew up, I found it harder to forgive myself than to forgive others. I have been my own worst critic. 

Ephesians 4:32 – And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.

Ezekiel 36:26 (NLT) And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.

Anger, bitterness and unforgiveness can wreak havoc on a body. In 1996 Samantha and I were involved in a rear-end collision. This wreck and the pain afterwards was the onset of many years of sickness and three operations. While living in Potters Hill on top of the anxiety, depression, anger and panic attacks I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome,  High Blood Pressure, Fibromyalgia and my back would lock up due to injury from the wreck. I had 9 vertebrae that had been moved out of alignment from my neck down from the wreck. And even after chiropractic care I still had trouble. On top of being extremely depressed and angry about my life I now had to deal with all of this. I wanted so much more for my daughter than to be a single mom who was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. The only way I knew how to cope was to bury it in a bottle, smoke cigarettes and adult pleasure; but that just brought on more troubles of its own.

I wanted to move away thinking that a change of scenery would change my life; but Samantha didn’t want to leave her grandparents. I was basically trying to just run from my problems. It was idiotic of me to think that moving would solve my issues! So  I decided I would go to college at night while I worked at Nationwide Insurance during the day. Mr. Benny (associate agent) had encouraged me to go to school to get my degree and then have a chance at bettering the life’s of Samantha and myself. I registered and was awarded financial aid to cover the cost. However, with my parents work schedules it was not convenient for them to keep Samantha while I was in school. And they didn’t really see the need for me to receive a college education as I was working at Nationwide. I was very upset and once again, I felt like a failure and couldn’t seem to find a way to make our life’s better. If only I would have listened to my child and just took her to church, but no I was still running from God!

Samantha wanted a daddy so badly. She was picked on by the kids on the school bus for not having a daddy at home. I remember for Christmas all she would ask for was a daddy; she would say “Mommy I want Santa Claus to bring me a daddy for Christmas!” This broke my heart and sent me searching anyway possible to find her a father figure. So between going out to the clubs and meeting people from online chat rooms I met many people. But as soon as anyone started to get close; I would push them away. Finding anything that I could wrong to not get close to them. I knew I had issues that I needed to deal with and didn’t want them to see my anger. Unfortunately, after running many off it didn’t work for one very persistent man.

To God Be The Glory, Forever!

Join me next week when this story continues and all hell starts to break loose.

Much Love To You All!


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