The Raging War Within – Part 1

Just as God provides for the birds of the air, He provides for me. He is my shelter in the storms as I am safely wrapped in His arms and He carries me when I feel I can’t go on. The past month I have had many days that I felt I could not go on.  And I have discovered that not everyone believes in the spiritual warfare that is around us. Attacks are real, but we do not wrestle against flesh and blood but against powers of darkness. And the more we do for our Father; the angrier satan gets and will send those fiery darts to try to take us down.  It’s not people that we battle against but the dark forces of evil in a spiritual realm. As you have most likely noticed I haven’t written in the blog in a few weeks. I have been in the midst of a spiritual battle.

*****Ephesians 6:12-13 – For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

When I started this blog, I did so because God put me on assignment to be His hands, voice, and feet to show others that He is real and desires a personal relationship with them. And my hearts desire is to continue to please God with all that I am. Not only is this assignment to glorify God but He has used this to open my eyes and to heal me from my past so that I may become that mighty warrior that He is calling me to be. I praise God that I am not that person that I use to be; however I am still not where I want to be but God is making me.

It was March 14th my mama’s birthday, I was sick and left work early. While driving home I received a message from Mr. Clifton to call him that he needed to talk to me. So I immediately called him and he asked me to speak at the revival at the Community Church. He told me that he had read my blog and that others need to hear my testimony. Scared to death, I told him that I would pray about it.  I was reluctant because I don’t like to be seen; and I do not like standing in front of people; not to mention I have never stood in front of a church full of people sharing such intimate details of my life. The only thing remotely close was when I shared a small part of my testimony with a small group of women years ago.

Still sick the next day, I stayed home from work and slept all day. But on Thursday I was feeling better and went to work. However from Tuesday to Thursday; I received three conformations so I knew I was suppose to share my testimony. I sent Mr. Clifton a message that day and agreed to speak so he shortly let me know that Sunday night was open. I accepted and then almost immediately I got extremely sick with flu like symptoms. I missed work again on Friday, and then Saturday and Sunday I was still not well. Missing church service Sunday morning; I was determined satan was not going to stop me from speaking because now I knew that is exactly what he was trying to do. I told Samantha I was going to go speak even if I had to share and leave immediately.

The drive to Community Church was a rough one as satan started speaking his lies. Fear overcame me and satan was whispering to me that I wasn’t good enough to stand in front of that church behind that pulpit. I almost turned around and went home but I just couldn’t. We reached the church and went inside. Then Judy and Terry came in and sat with Samantha and myself. Trying to not appear afraid; God spoke to Judy and told her to pray with me and give me a message. With praise and worship music playing; she pointed for me to meet her at the back of the church. When I met her there; she asked was I scared. I said “Yes”! But then she told me that God told her to tell me to not be afraid that I can’t mess up because it was His story. Then she prayed with me that a peace would over take me.  This peace didn’t happen at that moment; but just as soon as I stood behind that pulpit and I started to open my mouth; there was such a great peace. I didn’t stutter nor was I nervous at all. The Holy Spirit just flowed as my testimony came out.

Once I finished and sat down I realized the reason I had to speak. More than what I had put into my blog came out that night. Several people stood up to thank me for sharing because the first young lady had held bitterness and anger towards her mom for a long time. She told me that just seeing the love between Samantha and myself and how much Samantha loves me even with all the hell that I had put her through; gave her the strength to forgive her mom just that night. She was at peace and was free from the bondage that she had been under of unforgiveness and said she was going to see her mom the next day. And she said that things were going to be different from that day forward.

Another young lady, my dear friend stood up and said she thought she was alone in being bitterly angry and hateful to her daughter for many years. She realized that night that we don’t have to carry that guilt and shame; that we can use our story to help others as we thank God for forgiving and changing us. Another woman asked me to keep her daughter in prayer as she was going through an abusive marriage. Then three different men stood up and thanked me for sharing and told me to keep holding on to God and that He will send me that special man that He chooses; to never lose faith. They too had been through divorce; but when they trusted God he sent them beautiful God fearing women.

*****Psalm 37:4 (NIV) Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

The next four weeks was a battle from hell as one fiery dart after another came. Between being sick and missing church, being criticized for believing the word of God and keeping my moral standards high; upsetting my parents and causing mama to not want to talk for a few days, and  a coworker talking cross to me and me not having any idea why; I was almost at the end of my rope. I felt a depression starting to overtake me. I felt I was dying physically, however I was dying mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Satan was on a mission to stop me from doing for God.

Join me next time as I continue this story and share with you how God saved me.

Remember God Loves You and So Do I !!

To God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit be all the Glory!



Righteous Prayer Needed

In James 5:16 It says to, “Confess your trespasses to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.”  With this being said I am asking that you all pray for me. I have allowed things to pull me away from writing this blog that God asked me to write. I am praying for clarity of heart and mind that I can hear the Holy Spirit and continue writing for my Father so that He may be glorified!  

God Loves You & So Do I ! 

To God Be The Glory Always!

Much Love To You All ,




Desiring To Be Loved In The Brokenness

I’ve always heard it takes a village to raise a child and recently I have seen just that. I’ve missed a week of posting but I now understand why; as I needed to watch and listen. This post is completely off my testimony path but kinda ties in with the beginning of the rest of my story. Since giving my testimony at Community Church Revival a few weeks ago; I have been under a huge attack from Satan not only physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually. But God reminded me this morning that if there wasn’t something huge that I am being used for, then the enemy wouldn’t be fighting me so hard. I just have to remind the enemy who I am and that he is defeated. God also brought to mind that in a search for love; the only true love is of God and that we all want the approval and love of a Father.

The past week has been extremely eye opening to me. My heart has broken for many reasons;  but one being for kids who are just desiring to be loved. Acting out, rebellious, angry, bitter, and defiant; this is so heart breaking  because this is exactly how I remember myself being as a child and it followed me into adulthood. I know I wasn”t the peefect child and still have faults. However my wonderful parents are still together, and I know they have always loved me but I guess I needed to hear it. And I honestly don’t remember hearing it until after my first divorce. Not saying they never did, I just dont remember hearing it.People show love in different ways and my parents are amazing parents who had a rebellious daughter and it was probably difficult to show love or tell me, or perhaps I just didn’t listen. But God creates beauty from ashes.

However reflecting about kids this really tugged at my heart. It reminded me of when Samantha was young and I was so impatient with her. I’ve seen the  pain and heartache in children’s eyes;  just longing for love and acceptance. Most of these I’ve watched have been children of single parent families and the child is reaching out for love from the opposite parent that isn’t with them. Just as my own daughter did and has as she has grown up. She just wanted a daddy’s love and mommy’s too, as my life was preoccupied a lot of the time with fulfilling my desires. We as parents can be some selfish people!

Just this past weekend I was so touched as to things I witnessed. One precious little boy desiring to have the love of a mother was so excited when I gave him attention and just simply spent time with him. This thrilled him so much that before leaving me he gave me hugs and said ever so sweetly “I love you”. This totally and completely melted my heart!

Then as I watched a sweet little three year being defiant as she fought sleep. In the arms of someone she just met that day; I watched him speak ever so gently and calmly to her as she finally fell asleep. But not before she hit him about 30 times;  patience and persistence paid off.  I so admired the patience he had with her and realized that this is exactly what kids need. The next day this sweet child ran straight to his arms desiring to be held just as soon as he arrived at my house. She so longs for a fathers love.

Crying is what I heard almost everyday for a week. Saturday with the precious 3 year old, Sunday in the church nursery, then at work this past week. You’ve already heard about the 3 year old so let me tell you the rest. In the church nursery was a new child desiring to be with her mom; she did not want to stay. However, we knew that with patience and persistence eventually she will get use to being with the other kids and away from mom. If we gave in she would never learn to stay. Then at work I’ve seen children in trouble and brought up to the office because of one reason or another. But on Monday this one child really struck me as he cried. I watch him all the time coming and going, and basically a sweet child but parents aren’t together. Then this week God brought back a little girl that moved away about 2 years ago. Such a sweet girl who I’ve been praying for and wondering if she were ok. Her home life was one that was broken to the point she didn’t want to live, so you can imagine how excited I was to look up and see her. 

From all of this, God has shared with me that even my own childs brokenness was because of me. The choices I made affected her. My inability to display patience and being a train wreck myself; made it difficult to be the mother God wanted me to be. And I was running from God! It’s a ripple effect. If we don’t have ourself together and are constantly bringing new people in and out of our kids lives; then they never see stability. They only experience loss after loss and afraid that eventually everyone is going to leave them.

Samantha was already fearful enough from loosing her daddy, that I didn’t want her to get attached to everyone that came along. We have to protect our kids! To them it becomes an expectation that nothing is to stay the same and everyone who I love will leave me.  But what are we teaching our kids!? Certainly not what God says we should. Kids need stability and know that not everyone is going to leave them. There little minds can get so confused when parents are not persistent, patient, and stable. They learn by example; we are their role-models. What are we teaching them?! When we the parents are inconsistent; why would we expect our kids to be anything other than what we are!

Lonely, broken, depressed, bitter, angry, etc. I  desired love and so wanted Samantha to have that daddy she so longed for. Although I met many men; Samantha didn’t!  Thank God I only exposed her to just a few; not bringing them all to my home. I haven’t been the best mom or the best role model but she knows that God has transformed me. Although I am still not perfect and will not be until God decides to take me home. I still battle some days when I fail to give it all to God.

Monday night Samantha and I were talking and I ask her why kids are so terrified that people were not coming back. She told me that for her; she didn’t want me out of her sight when she was young because everyone else she got close too left. Her dad bounced in and out of her life to the point that she may see him once a year now. And she would love to be able to see him every day. Then she told me that the other two men that came into our lives and she called Daddy; they too walked out and left her. She said, “Mama it hurt that every man I got attached to walked away from me!” She is 23 years old and still feels like her dads  walked out on her. I realized right then that kids have to be protected.

With everyone leaving; the fear is real that the parent that is left will eventually leave and not come back too. Parents what I am trying to say is please protect your babies. Don’t allow everyone you meet to meet your kids. This causes more harm than good. And parents that are separated and divorced; love your kids and show them you love them. Don’t put down or talk negatively about the other parent as your babies are caught in the middle. Find a way to work together and give your kids the best life possible so they don’t go out searching for love in all the wrong places, things or people. They need you to be stable so their life can be too. If you aren’t sure what to do; start with prayer and ask God to come into your life. This is the beginning of a life of love that no one on this earth will ever be able to give you! The best gift you can give your child is an introduction to Christ.

Proverbs 22:6 – Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it.

I have shared from my heart today and I pray that this helps someone!

Join me next week when I return to my life testimony.

Much Love To You All,