I think it’s much easier to put the blame on someone else when things go wrong in our life. But the truth is usually the one we should blame is the one looking back at us in the mirror; as we are responsible for our own actions and reactions and must take responsibility for such. I have learned that if I don’t seek God’s will and ask Him, then I will make the wrong choices as my life testimony has shown you.
As I sit here and think about my life and the way I see the youth longing to have a partner; I realize I was exactly the same way. However, I thought I had to have someone in my life and was doing whatever it took to find him. I didn’t know that we as women shouldn’t be chasing after the guy. But I thank God for my pastors for I have learned a lot in church and in studies that I have done. Girls just remember you are not the pursuer; you are to be pursued!
I am really praying that my testimony opens the eyes of many and that they be saved from a tragic marriage all because they didn’t seek God’s will for their life. Back in March when I wrote “The Dance of Darkness” I ended with telling you that Samantha had been wanting a daddy extremely bad. And I told you that through online chat rooms and night clubs I had met many people. However, when someone would become interested I tried to find something wrong with them because I didn’t want them to get close enough to see that deep rooted anger that I had. And I was manipulative, childish and threatened suicide when things didn’t go my way. I realize now that I never learned how to deal with rejection, criticism and my feelings of not being good enough. Growing up poor and being picked on in school was difficult and then when my best friends dumped me I really felt like I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t know at that time that my worth was not based off of what man thought but who I am in Christ. But this was before I knew God. And as you know at 15 years old I went through the motions; but never walked the walk…. I was on the run from God.
Living in Potters Hill when Samantha was about 10 years old; a very precious man came into our lives and he was so persistent. I tried my best to run him off and he kept coming back; wouldn’t take no for an answer. Samantha loved him so very much and he loved her and took up so much time with her. But his daughters were a different story as I could tell they were not so welcoming towards me. I know that their dad had been their world since their mom died. It was difficult but he assured me that the girls were away at college and they were fine with him dating me. I just never felt like I was good enough for them and felt they didn’t think I was either.
It was a world wind romance; getting engaged after about 5 months of dating. However, when we discussed the wedding I wanted to wait a year and he didn’t. He was in a hurry and wanted to get married soon. I knew that I wasn’t ready, but I listened to everyone tell me how much he must love me because when I tried to run him off he kept coming back. So we found a house and started remodeling. Working all day, planning a wedding, painting at nights and weekends wore me out. He had no idea of the medical issues that I had, but in December the house was ready and we moved in. In January we were married and little did we know that our lives were about to get turned upside down.
We had no honeymoon because it was an extremely cold winter and the week before our wedding the pipes had frozen and burst at the place we were suppose to stay. The wedding was beautifully planned from the icicles lights to snowflakes with a snowflake wedding cake. However, when you have too many hands in anything something is bound to go wrong and the way everything happened that night I should have known from the start it was going to be a struggle. After the wedding it was time for our dances and all the fun festivities. But when we went to change into more comfortable clothing someone decided to start cleaning up. Wedding cake got thrown into the trash, we didn’t even get a slice and we never finished out festivities. But since everything got trashed we decided to pack it up and just got home.
It was cold and raining and we had not driven out together to the church. So when I got into the Toyota ready for home, I forgot to wait for one very important thing before Samantha and I left! Yep!! I left the groom at the church! When he realized I was gone; he was already locked out of the building and it was freezing and pouring rain. When I drove up into the driveway at home I said “oh crap”! Samantha asked me what was wrong and I told her I left my husband at the church! I immediately realized he had brought his vehicle home at some point and I didn’t know it. My parents had followed me home to take items from the wedding so I sent my dad to pick him up. Boy I felt like a dog and I could never live that one down. I can only imagine now how he must have felt!
Being married was an adjustment since I had been alone for almost 10 years. Trying to get use to someone being around all the time was a little tough but I was happy to be married and have someone with me. I knew that I married too quickly but I was going to try my best. A few weeks after our wedding one morning I got up and couldn’t use my right arm. All the painting that we had done had caused extreme pain in my arm, neck and shoulder. After being referred to several specialist; I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis, the neurologist said my spine looked like a 7o something year olds, and I had bone spurs and disk herniation’s. Now here I am not able to go to work for a while, newly married, dealing with pain, being put on medications for the pain, going to physical therapy, then to pain management for steroid injections. At first it was my lower back; then after my back surgery and issues flared up again I had to have the injections in my neck. But anyway with everything going on I was put on several medications that I eventually got hooked on. But before that let me back up. During the time I was trying to find out what was going on and trying to get well. It was about a year before they ever did the first surgery trying to keep from operating. I was depressed, going through menopause, gaining weight due to the steroids, and just extremely unhappy as I was so use to being able to be on the go. Needless to say my depression had an effect on him and I wasn’t the most pleasant of people when I was hurting.
My then youngest step-daughter dropped out of college and begged to come home. I gave her my mobile home to live in and she stayed there for a while but soon she was in our home. I could feel the tension; the jealousy and it was difficult especially since I was sick. However, I know now that I didn’t’ make things any easier for us. I was selfish and wanted him all to myself and didn’t want to share. But unfortunately I felt that is exactly how his girls felt too. And I understand it now because he was all they had since their mom died when then were young. I didn’t understand at that time. I had a vision of how marriage was to be and it wasn’t going that way. Reality is a lot different from what we can dream up.
There was an incident that took place and he was being cussed at by his daughter and I didn’t like it so I took up for him. Not wanting to see her talk ugly to him, I intervened and almost hit her when she called me a _ _ _ Bitch. As head of the house and her father and out of respect for both of them I should have allowed him to handle it. I was wrong and I am not proud of what I did by no means. This was the start of a difficult few years as I had put him in a difficult position between his daughter and myself. I was an adult but I sure didn’t act like it as you will see as my story continues next week. He is a good man with beautiful girls but there was a lot I just didn’t understand at that time and my anger grew even deeper!
Praise God I am not who I use to be!
****Ephesians 5:21 (NIV) Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
****Colossians 3:18-19 (AMP) Wives, be subject to your husbands (out of respect for their position as protector, and their accountability to God) as is proper and fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives (with an affectionate, sympathetic, selfless love that always seeks the best for them) and do not be embittered or resentful toward them (because of the responsibilities of marriage).
****Philippians 2:4 (AMP) Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.
To God Be All The Glory, Forever!….Amen!