A Glimmer of Light in the Darkest of Days

For many years I pretty much invited satan into my home to take everything I had. However, the way my life went for most of my years he didn’t have to take it, I practically handed everything to him on a gold platter. But now I am at a point in my life where I’m tired of everything being taken and I’m tired of giving it away. I want my stuff back! The fight is on!

As I continue to be the hands, feet and voice for God as the Holy Spirit leads me, please keep me in your prayers. This is no easy task revealing your deepest darkest secrets for everyone to see. And the spiritual battle is real but with God I can do all things for He gives me strength.

I look back at last fall when I began this journey; reluctantly I might add. And from then until now I see growth within myself. Praise God I am not who I was then or even 2 months ago! But I’m still not where I want to be.  I am ever so grateful that God loved me so much to never give up me and for changing my heart; hence changing my life! When He asked me to share my life story I didn’t want too. I saw no purpose in it and was terrified of what people would say about me. But as I have written I have come to a point where I don’t care what others think; I only care what my Father in Heaven thinks of me. Satan has fought me every step of the way to keep me from sharing. But praying that my story would help at least one person; I have come to realize that it is making a difference and having an impact for His Kingdom. He is using my obedience to Him to heal my heart from all the pain of my past. And He is preparing me for my future. Most importantly He is showing the world what He can do! And I write for Him so he can receive all the glory, honor and praise!

Father reduce me and increase you!

****Joshua 1:9 (NIV) “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Just this past week God let me know the impact my obedience is having on others; that my writing is not in vain. From a co-worker who recently became friends with me on Facebook I received a beautiful hand-painted gift (pictured below). She has been reading my post on Facebook and she was inspired to paint something that she said describes me. The Mason jar is a theme from our school that stands for amazing, the butterfly is a sweet spirit that flies around, and the beauty of flowers I love dearly. Then at church Sunday morning a beautiful sister told me that she loves reading my Facebook post. And she said that she’s so amazed at the heart change God has done in me, she can see the growth. And that some Christians post things on Facebook, but she knows my post are genuinely from the heart. Before I could leave church Pastor Joyce told me that she too loves reading my blog. And that she is proud of me for doing what I am doing for God. Then Sunday night another sweet sister let me know she sat one day and read every blog post that I have written. She said she just couldn’t stop reading it and that she knows that my testimony has to help many. And she ended by saying that it takes a lot of courage to share so much. She is absolutely right and I have never had that courage; but with God all things are possible!  God knows what we need when we need it and He is always right on time. And I desperately needed to know that what I am doing for God is making a difference.

I most definitely can’t change my past; but I can make sure that my future is much brighter. With God in control and not Donna, life is and will continue to be amazing.

Now the story continues……. Last week I shared with you that I married for the third time to a very precious man that deserved so much more than what he received. He is a good man that I did not respect as I should have. Not saying that he was perfect and without fault; it’s just the fact that I wasn’t ready to be married and in doing so I played a huge part in damaging lives. When I ended last week, I told you that trying to defend my husband against his daughter I almost hit her for calling me a _ _ _ Bitch. But I also said that out of respect for him as my husband, head of the house and her father I should have allowed him to handle it. I am not proud of who I was back then with my childish behavior that I displayed at times. But God can transform a person’s heart and create beauty from those dirty stinky ashes. Praise God I am not who I use to be!

****Ezekiel 11:19(ESV)”And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh,

****Ezekiel 36:26 (ESV) “And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.

Our marriage didn’t start out bad; except when I left him at the church on our wedding night, that was extremely bad. We were actually happy and loved one another when we first got married. And when I moved to Richlands he was concerned about my former contacts so he asked me to change my email address and telephone number. I did all of this as he asked because I thought it was the right thing to do; however he never changed any of his. But my life turned completely upside down after I got sick, and our first year together was rough but we were ok. We managed to get through things that came our way. Each year got a little more difficult. And in our second year of marriage my anger, bitterness and depression had grown until I was in a pit so deep I never thought I could get out of it. As my marriage fell apart, the relationship with my step-daughter completely a wreck and my relationship with my own daughter was beginning to be out of sync as I was falling into a deep dark depression. It overtook my life to the point where I hated myself, my daughter, my husband, just everyone. I wanted nothing to do with anybody and had reached a point at one time that I didn’t even want to leave the house and was afraid to drive. I was at an all-time low. I actually wanted to die and had basically given up on life.

While my pain increased in my physical body it affected my mental health too. Three surgeries, menopause, fibromyalgia, restless leg syndrome, arthritis, degenerative disk disease, irritable bowel syndrome, severe depression and anxiety and a marriage on the rocks; I had no control over what was going on and I was so bitterly angry! Mad at the world, I felt I had been dealt a bad hand. Truth was my own decisions and choices had gotten me exactly where I was!

I think everything that had happened in my past and never learning how to deal with rejection and anger really played a big part in what was going on. My best friends telling me I wasn’t good enough and dumping me in elementary school and being bullied then the abuse I had endured had some lasting effects. Then being a single mom and in control of everything for so many years, it was difficult letting go of being the one in charge. So, when things went spinning out of control in my life; I tried holding on any way possible including being manipulative. Little did I realize I was pushing him away which created a cycle of feeling rejected, deep depression, more pain, and more anger. It was a vicious cycle of pain leading to anger and depression, then the depression and pain leading to even more anger that became like a time bomb ticking in me.

Our home had become a hell with no one getting along as there was so much disrespect displayed in that house towards one another. I was tired of living in so much turmoil and I couldn’t even see the pain that my daughter was in. It wasn’t just me with issues, she was being treated unfairly in the home to the point where she was inducing self-harm. But I was so out of it; I didn’t have a clue. It was during this time that I was going to college at night and doing online classes. I had a break from everything; but she was still there in it. Needless to say the arguing wasn’t just between my ex and myself as my daughter was left there hearing my ex and his daughter argue. Praise God for He kept my daughter alive during her self-harm. I can’t go into her testimony but she will at some point soon.

Living in a home where no one will talk to you as they walk past you was extremely tough. We lived under the same roof but we didn’t operate as a family; shoot we didn’t even operate as friends. Married but all alone, I felt more alone than I did when I was single. I just wanted my husband to love me and I felt like I was in competition. However, now I realize I can’t blame him for not wanting to be around me; I had put him in a very terrible position and I know I was disrespectful to him.  He felt like he had to choose between his daughter and me because she didn’t want any part of me for I had come in and things had changed. Although I wasn’t ready for marriage in the beginning; once we were married I was excited as I thought now I had two more daughters and I wanted us to be family. I had always wanted a big family! Didn’t quite work out that way; they had one mom and one mom was all they wanted!

My ex looked at me one day and told me I was crazy and so did his daughter. At that time I didn’t think so but honestly I had lost my mind. With everything going on and all the arguing all the time my nerves were completely shot! I was a complete wreck!!! The doctor had put me on so much medication and I had become addicted. One medication led to another as the side effects keep increasing another medication had to cover the side effects of another. I had given up and just wanted to be put somewhere or die. I reached an all-time low when I went in for psychological testing. I manipulated the answers on some of those questions so that it would appear I was worse than I really was. I wanted my husbands sympathy so bad and thought perhaps he would care if he thought I really had a problem as he had told me that all of my pain was in my head. Praise God regardless of what I did the test still turned out ok! God was in control and watching out for me! As I have said I am not proud of things I did and no I am not crazy. However, at that time my buttons had been pushed to the max and I was on the verge of a total breakdown. Third marriage, I didn’t want a third divorce! I felt like a complete failure and I couldn’t fix it and I wanted to fix our family and be a family, all of us!

What hurt me really bad was when he told me that I had waited until we were married to get sick! Like I had planned it! Wow, that hurt because if I could have had my way about it I most definitely wouldn’t have chosen what I had to go through. I know now that he never meant what he said; he was hurt and I realize we all say things that we don’t mean when we are hurt and angry when we react in the flesh. I know that I did and I hurt him tremendously. During all of this I had applied for disability due to all my sicknesses but God knew better and had a greater plan as it was denied.

After 2 years of living in such devastation, Samantha found out about a Walk the Line lock-in that was to take place in Beulaville and she begged to go. Thank God, I took her and her friend Heidi. It was there that she gave her life to God and then she started walking to church. When she started singing in the choir she asked me to go hear her sing; after a while she asked me to join her in the choir because she knew my love of singing. It’s after this that I accepted Christ into my life and she and I both were baptized the same day.

I thought once I gave my life to God and was baptized that life would be perfect. As a new Christian I had a lot to learn!

Join me next week as this story continues:

May All the Glory, Honor and Praise be to Our Heavenly Father!

Much Love To You All,

Donna

 

 

 

 

 

 

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