Walking along the beach last weekend I was reminded as I looked at the sea shells upon the sand that the world is made up of many different people. We are of different ethnicity, races, sex and religions but God loves every one of us. He may not be pleased with our ways or what we do sometimes; but that doesn’t stop His love for us. And it most definitely doesn’t’ stop Him from trying to reel us back in when we start to stray. The correction of our Father can be tough; but much needed and in my case much wanted!
When we truly commit our life to God; we change from the inside out. My heart and my life are so extremely opposite from where I use to be. I gave my life to Christ in 2008 but He has had His hands full molding and shaping me. The journey to where I am today has been tough but I thank God that He never gave up on me and left me where I was. And just because you accept God as your Savior doesn’t mean you are an instant know it all nor does it mean you will never take a fall. We are saved by grace through Gods mercy; which doesn’t give us permission to sin; but gives us the grace to repent when we do.
***2 Peter 3:9 – The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance.
In 2006 when gas prices went through the roof instead of driving to Wallace every day for work; I started working within the school system doing a interim position. Then I became a substitute teacher. It was during this time that I decided to go to college; I wanted to make something of myself. Thinking too that if I got my degree that my husband would see that I am somebody and our marriage would change. He was proud of me for working and going to school, but I was so overly consumed with perfection in my school work that when we were trying to work out our marriage I had no time for him or my daughter. Many days they rode off on the motorcycle to visit my family and I didn’t have time. Between school and medications my life was consumed and I had shut out everyone. Sadly, I too had taught my daughter that all men are dogs as I use to say this all the time and she picked it up and started saying it. WOW, how irresponsible that was of me and extremely damaging!
As I told you last time Samantha started walking to church in 2007, than I started going too. And we were baptized in February 2008. And just a couple of weeks after we came home from church one Sunday we found that my step-daughter and her precious baby girl had moved out. My husband found it convenient and moved into that bedroom once again. I couldn’t see it at that moment but God was working on the situation. Although he had moved out of our bedroom; we started talking more since our step-daughter was gone. It was during this time that I made friends at the church and had started going to a women’s meeting on Wednesday mornings. Three wonderful women became my cheerleaders to cheer me on and pray for me as I grew in Christ. Without out there support I do not know what would have happened.
During this time God gave me writing ability of poetry and a vision of a special camp for underprivileged children, exceptional children and battered & abused women. I drew this out and still have the drawing. I haven’t given up and I am still believing for this place and I know it is 30 acres. God will provide! It was during this time that I wrote “My Angel of God” and shared partial testimony with my friends. God was working on me; but satan was not letting go that easily. A new Christian who didn’t know anything about God, except I knew there was one, I wasn’t very clever to the tricks of the enemy.
Thinking I was doing right all the while I was doing wrong! My husband wouldn’t go to church with us and I just had to show him all his wrong. I was trying to show him the specks in his eyes while I couldn’t see the planks in mine! I was constantly telling him about what the Bible says and highlighted scriptures in the Bible and would leave it laying around in hopes that he would read it. All the while I was completely doing wrong! You can’t win someone’s love and teach about God by cramming it down their throats, especially when you don’t know anything yourself! You see God can’t move if we don’t let Him in. We have to get out buts out of the way so He can!
However, God graced me when Samantha and I started going to church at Mt. Zion PFWB in Pink Hill, NC. My parents started going with us and when we had an open mic Sunday; Samantha and I were to sing. During this time my husband and I were not where we needed to be; but God was working. We asked him to come hear us sing and he did. This was a beginning as he started coming to church and he gave his life to God. Then we started the Love Dare class on Wednesday nights; but unfortunately softball season started and that was his life. Between practice, games and coaching on the side; there was no time for Love Dare studies or working on a marriage. Church became a distant thing to him and so did I. When he had given his life to God that Sunday morning, I remember him turning around holding me tight at that alter telling me that he loved me! Oh, happy words and he moved back into our bedroom; but between life and his career and my bickering; he soon moved out of our room again. I was in a total loss and outraged as he became so distant once again and I felt like a complete failure. Not sure if I was angrier with him or the fact that I was headed towards a third divorce. Again, here I took control and didn’t allow God to be God!
That deep anger came out one day as I was arguing with him and I attacked him. It was as if I blanked out or snapped and had become someone else; as if something had taken over me! I realize now it was a demonic spirit that was in control. When I snapped out of this and realized I had hurt him, I was so emotionally distraught and I remember begging for his forgiveness. He just wanted me to leave him alone and the truth is I don’t blame him! It was then I knew I needed help; I needed prayer! I called my three friends, they came over and I told them what had happened. They comforted and calmed me down, praying for me and for my husband (although he had left). I had never snapped like that before and never want too again! I then started therapy and was put on medication. But since then I have been delivered; God has worked a miracle in my life!
Church became a thing of the past for Samantha and myself as we stopped going. I think I had given up because it didn’t seem I was getting any better nor my marriage. And I had tried to teach a youth class and once again I felt like a complete failure as these kids didn’t want to learn; they had no interest whatsoever. What I didn’t realize was that God is not a magic genie and a happy life is not dependent on someone else. My happiness is dependent on me and my joy comes from the Lord. I also didn’t realize that a walk with God is not an overnight ordeal; it takes time to grow in Christ by being intimate with Him. Then we can step out and teach others about Him. Boy did I have a lot to learn!!!
But praise God for He sends people our way all the time. We were car shopping for Samantha and one of my sweet sisters whom I had not seen in a while, that I use to go to the prayer meetings with had a car for sale. We tried it out but it was not for us; however she told us of a church with lots of youth and Samantha’s best friend attended it. She said, “Mommy can we go Sunday”? And of course I said yes and we’ve been going ever since! God gave me a church family and a spiritual Mom and Dad who love me regardless of my imperfections. Agape Life Family Church family has helped me grow and learn of who God really is. Although, I had found a church family to pour into me; my husband had no desire to ever attend a church with me again. He said he had forgiven me and we started working on our marriage once again; taking a family vacation in VA with a family motorcycle ride in the mountains. So much fun, but things just didn’t feel as they should between us. The damage that had been done was irreversible and only a God centered marriage could survive this and it takes three to make it work, God –husband & wife. Although I wanted too, he had no desire to seek marriage counseling not even with the pastor.
After our vacation, things went downhill and by Christmas he once again had moved out into his own room. He was rarely home, staying out late at work or wherever and when he was home he stayed in his bedroom. It was then walking by his bedroom many times and seeing his phone laying on the bed beside him, I just knew he had to be seeing someone. So one day when Samantha was gone I ran in and grabbed his phone and ran back to my bedroom with it. All while he was trying to get in to get it. I didn’t know how to use his phone; but somehow I got in. And when I did, I was devastated! All my suspicions were possibly correct. But I know now I pushed him away and I drove him to find comfort elsewhere. I can’t say that I blame him because I was not a wife that anyone would have wanted at that time! It was then that I requested my car be put in my name and find a place for Samantha and myself to stay! I wanted out! I couldn’t do it anymore! So we found our little house in the woods and moved here in 2010 after it was remodeled and a few things taken care of.
Thank God Samantha and I had started attending Agape Life Family Church the year before for now I had a spiritual Father and Mother to talk with and pray for me. God knew I was really gonna need them!
***Isaiah 43:19 – Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will make a road in the wilderness And rivers in the desert.
He is really a good man but he was never meant to be my husband as our relationship wasn’t God centered. And as you see our marriage wasn’t God ordained and I shouldn’t have said yes knowing that I wasn’t ready. This all shows you how going against God can be so devastating not only for one person but for many! But God makes beauty from ashes!!! We became friends after our divorce and would now do anything we can to help one another.
*** Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Join me next time as I share a little more of how God came in and changed me from the inside out….
To God Be All the Glory, Honor & Praise!
Much Love To You All,