This post is extremely difficult to share but praise God for changing me! I am not who I use to be!
For the past few months I had asked Samantha to let me know if she would like to go anywhere special for her birthday. But with no paychecks in the summer and all the issues that occurred with our cars and our home AC unit; our outings are limited. Her request was to visit a town in Georgia named Flowery Branch. I was going to do what I needed to for her to have a wonderful birthday; and after much discussion we decided to wait on that trip until Christmas. So she decided on a day-trip and it was absolutely a wonderful fun-filled day! I am so thankful that she chose to spend her special day with me!
Yesterday August 4th, my gorgeous daughter Samantha and I took that day trip to Durham for her birthday to visit a mall she had not been to since she was about 9 years old. She has asked for years to lets go find it, but I couldn’t remember the name of the mall or where it was; except around Durham. After some research and viewing pictures online; we chose what looked like the place which was The Streets of Southpoint. All she wanted was to visit this place, get cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory and eat dinner at Logan’s Roadhouse. So we shopped a little then visited the Cheesecake Factory for some delicious out of this world cheesecake and were just in awe of the sites we saw at The Streets of Southpoint. Once we left Durham; with no Logan’s Roadhouse on our route; we detoured through Goldsboro on the way home to eat dinner at her favorite restaurant.
With Samantha’s birthday and wanting to do something really special for her; this week has been extremely busy. I put together what started out as a blanket but ended up being a handmade quilt for Samantha’s 24th birthday. Needless to say, I have never done anything like this before.The top was made from old t-shirts that she had worn over the years from the time she was a little girl all the way through high school. There was a lot of love, care and hours put into this handmade quilt. It’s not perfect; but I have always told her that nothing I do is perfect; but at least I try. But she said she didn’t care because it was made with love. Then this morning when I woke up and we were talking about her birthday, I told her she was so spoiled. She chuckled and said “Yes I am”! She was so happy and excited over our day together yesterday and her handmade quilt. So excited, that she took it with her to show her grandparents (my mom and dad) on our visit. I am sad to say that she hasn’t always known that her momma loves her because I didn’t always show love towards her.
In my prayer closet this morning, God reminded me that the amazingly wonderful time that Samantha and I had yesterday has not always been a part of our life. We laughed, sang, talked about God and we had so much fun! But over the years it has taken a long time to get here because I was hateful, controlling and I mistreated her physically, emotionally, and mentally. It has taken a lot for her to forgive me for the things that I have done and said to her; and even the relationships that I have exposed her to. She recently told me that she has just been able to forgive me within the past couple of years; that it took her a while. But in seeing God move in my life and the changes that she has seen within me; she was able to let go of the hurt and pain and truly love me. Thank God I am not who I use to be; not even who I was in January of this year.
In 2010 when I left my 3rd husband to move to our now present home I was a wreck. Although I had accepted Christ into my life in 2008 and was attending church regularly, my life wasn’t an example of what a relationship with Christ should be. I was a poor example of a Christian! The anger that I had towards my now ex-husband just came with me when we moved and the sad part is; Samantha was the only one around so she caught the brunt of everything. Feeling as if I had lost everything in my life and feeling like a complete failure; especially since I was headed towards divorce number 3, I was angry and tried to control everything in Samantha’s life. I think now it was a way that I felt perhaps if I controlled her; then she would never walk away from me. For it seemed everyone had always done just that! But the reality of it was I was pushing her away with my anger and controlling ways.
We have always pretty much done everything together over the years and everyone said we were best friends. But the truth is I think perhaps she was afraid to tell me she didn’t want to do stuff with me for fear of me hurting her in some way. It’s sad to think this; but it’s true. When she finally tried to stand up for herself in my outburst of anger; I remember getting so mad with her calling her names, telling her to shut up and I remember grabbing her by the throat with my hands. Once I realized what I was doing; I let go, cried and immediately apologized, for I would never intentionally hurt her! Every time I did anything to hurt her; I felt horrible and never wanted to leave her for a fear that something would happen to her. Guilt overwhelmed me!
For the life of me; I couldn’t understand how I could hurt the most precious gift that God had given to me on this earth! I have since come to realize as my relationship with God has grown that it wasn’t me; it was what was in me that did all these horrible things! On February 2, 2014, I was delivered from that deep rooted anger during a church service. I have written about this deliverance in a earlier post. I also have been delivered within the past year from that controlling spirit.
I realized that both of these were generational curses that had to be broken off of my life to keep them from being passed to Samantha and future generations. Although I was delivered; satan didn’t want to let me go. I wish I could say that since that day in 2014 that I have never had another outburst of anger; but I can’t. In Matthew 12:43-45 it speaks of when an evil spirit leaves a person it tries to return and believe me it does. Each day we have to choose to walk in the ways of the Lord and it can be difficult but God always provides a way. It has been a spiritual battle but God is greater and He won! Today I walk in freedom from bondage that had me bound for what seems like forever! There is a sense of peace and calm within my soul and within my home. As the song goes; it is well with my soul.
***1 John 2:6(NIV) Whoever claims to live in Him must live as Jesus did.
*** John 8:36 (NIV) So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
Within the past year since God had me start writing this blog; I have grown so much in my relationship with Him. I am still not perfect and never will I be until He calls me home. But with God, the relationship between Samantha and me is one of true love, respect, admiration, honor and integrity. We can truly say we are proud that we are not only mother and daughter; but we definitely are best friends. It feels amazing to know that my daughter has truly forgiven me and that she knows without a shadow of a doubt that I love her and will always do anything I can for her!
I can’t change the past; but with God I don’t have to live there and the future for Samantha and myself is looking pretty great. God has us both doing a work for Him. We support each other and are each others biggest cheerleaders. And I am so grateful that God gave me such a beautiful gift. Her beauty not only radiates from the outside but from the inside. She is truly a treasure! I Love You Samantha Jo from the bottom of my heart!!
I don’t know if this will help anyone else; but I do know that it has helped one young woman to be able to forgive her mom and restore their relationship. As I share from my heart; I pray that others learn from my mistakes and know that God is the only way to peace, joy and true love. As the song goes, if you’re tired and you’re weary, there is freedom. Our Heavenly Father is that freedom! Trust Him today!
**1 John 1:9
To God be All the Glory, Honor and Praise !
Much Love to You All!