When I ended the story a few weeks ago I told you that Samantha and I had moved into our present home after leaving my now ex-husband. I was a mixed bag of emotions from being mad, sad, hurt, depressed, confused, to angry. Crushed because everything had happened like it did as I had so hoped for our marriage to work out and finally have a big family. But things didn’t quite work out that way. As I look back now, I’m not sure if I was more upset over the separation and moving or the fact that I didn’t have control over everything. One thing for sure was I felt like a complete failure as I was heading for divorce number 3.
When we moved I was already working with the school system and going to college part time. I had to give up college because it was just too much on me at that time. But it was during Thanksgiving break our home was almost ready and I told Samantha to get some of her clothes and we would spend the night at our new place. I wasn’t ready to move yet because some things still needed to be completed and I figured if we moved in it would never get done. But when we got to our now home I realized she had brought every piece of clothing she owned! When I asked her why, she simply stated she wanted to get out and didn’t want to go back because she was tired of the way things had been. Unfortunately our kids are the ones who suffer the most when we make those selfish and irresponsible decisions and behave irrationally.
He helped us get settled in and moved the items that I had purchased and stored in the outbuilding for me. I didn’t take anything from the home except Samantha’s bedroom suite as I wanted to make sure he had everything that he needed to have a furnished home. Because when I met him; his apartment was bare and regardless of what had happened, I didn’t have the heart to clean him out. I did love him and wanted him to have everything that he needed. He helped us financially for quite some time and still helps in little ways that he can for he said he would always help Samantha any way possible. But I was so upset that I had to leave my beautiful home I had worked so hard in and not to mention my huge kitchen. For the one I have now is almost too small to change your mind in, but praise God, I have a home.
After just a couple of weeks here at our new place; I remember Samantha telling me that our old single wide mobile home felt like home and that she missed it. Then she said that our other house we had just left never felt like home and that our new place felt more like home than that house ever did. She was absolutely right! As much as I loved that house it never felt like home to me either; it was a place to stay and a roof over our heads. Marriage was short lived with all the trouble we had with my sickness and attitude, jealousy of kids and everything else that went on. As I stated in an earlier post; I wasn’t ready to be married and I never should have married him. It wasn’t the right time and it definitely wasn’t fair to him or either of our girls! But praise God we are still friends. There was definitely healing that needed to take place within me before I ever said I Do! And I needed to know the true meaning of love and what marriage is all about.
Two years passed before I even considered dating anyone. Just before our divorce was final I started seeing someone. However I shouldn’t have until my divorce was final because when you are still married by law you are still married in Gods eyes; therefore I was committing adultery. Even though the divorce was almost final and I was seeing someone; I just found it hard to let go of my husband. I remember continuously asking him, are you sure this is what you want; can’t we seek counseling and work it out! Of course he was done and wanted no part of trying to salvage the marriage. I think deep down I was hoping that the time apart would cause him to miss me and want me. But I know now that it was that longing to have someone and be married and not have divorce number three take place.
I wasn’t sure if I was upset over divorcing him or the fact that it was going to be divorce number three for me. However I felt like a complete failure and that I would never have a marriage work. And you know what?…. with that type of attitude and stinking thinking, I most definitely can’t! But God moves mountains and heals emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually when we allow Him to do so. Once we completely accept Him and surrender, then He is able to make beauty from our ashes. However, at this point I wasn’t quite there yet!
This entire time I was going to church and working on my relationship with God and many miracles had taken place in my life but I still had a ways to go. God has truly had his hands full molding and shaping me! But jumping into a dating relationship at this time was detrimental to my walk. For I strayed and not only was I committing adultery, but fornication too! And oh how the struggle between the spirits was completely overwhelming! The relationship with this guy got really nasty and only lasted a few months but then I turned right around and jumped into dating an old friend. He’s the one that had given me the expensive engagement ring that I gave back and I told you about this in an earlier post. Then a year later I ran into a dear precious old friend and we dated for only a short while. But although I was divorced and had been for 2 years he felt like he was being compared to my ex because of things I said. I never meant for it to come out that way. I guess I just had to have healing in my entire being before I could move forward in my life. I have since learned that there is no man on this earth that can make me happy or love me like my Father! Happiness comes from within, no person, all the money in the world nor anything can make you happy….but a personal relationship with the Father is what it takes!
***** 1 Corinthians 6:18 -20-Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, who you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.
I’ve realized that you can’t move on until your heart is completely healed. Perhaps after two years of separation you would think you would be healed but when you have extremely deep pain from childhood on up, it takes a while to allow God to heal all those scars and create within you a new, tender and loving heart. God knew my heart and He knew that no marriage would ever work out for me until I was completely healed from the inside-out from every single thing that had hurt me in my past.
During the past seven years God has healed me from all my deep rooted anger, jealousy, rage, bitterness, hatred, spitefulness, envy, selfishness, a controlling spirit, hatefulness, all sickness & diseases, heartache, depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. He has created in me a new heart and has given me life. Not to say that satan, who is out to steal, kill and destroy doesn’t prowl around trying to convince me otherwise; but I know who I am. I am the daughter of the King, the most High God who has turned my mourning into dancing and turned my sorrow into joy!
God is still molding and shaping me, as I am not perfect and will not be until He calls me home to be with Him. But when I fall; I am quick to repent and I get back up brush myself off and go again. I do not want to do anything to displease my Father but to do everything so that He may receive all the glory, honor and praise. My life didn’t change overnight after accepting God as my Savior and yes I stepped out of His will more times than I care to admit. But He never let me go! Praise God!!!
Being healed & delivered from smoking, addiction to prescription drugs and not tithing properly during the Health & Wealth Conference when Jeremy Laborde prayed with me was an eye-opening experience. I will tell you more about this soon and about the physical touch I received from God while praising Him at the alter one Sunday morning! Oh WOW, was that awesome! From cleaning the church, working in the nursery, helping with VBS, dancing on the praise team, doing skits for the Women’s Conference, and praising & worshipping Him freely; every day I love Him more and more. And I know He has huge plans for me!
*****Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Join me next week as I tell you a little more of my story and my walk to true love as God continues to mold & shape me!
To God be all the Glory, Honor & Praise Forevermore!
Much Love to you All,