True Love Walk

Dear Friends,

I know it has been a while since I have written and for this I do apologize. I am actually working on writing the summary of this past year and writing also about how God has moved in my life since starting this journey of writing for Him. Please stay tuned and prayerfully if I can slow down enough I will have it posted by the weekend or this time next week. This summary doesn’t mean that I will not be writing still. I am praying about the direction in which He wants me to go with this blog, for it is His!

To God Be All the Glory, Honor & Praise!

Much Love to You All,

Donna

A Daughter’s Forgiveness – True Unconditional Love

This post is extremely difficult to share but praise God for changing me! I am not who I use to be!

For the past few months I had asked Samantha to let me know if she would like to go anywhere special for her birthday. But with no paychecks in the summer and all the issues that occurred with our cars and our home AC unit; our outings are limited. Her request was to visit a town in Georgia named Flowery Branch. I was going to do what I needed to for her to have a wonderful birthday; and after much discussion we decided to wait on that trip until Christmas. So she decided on a day-trip and it was absolutely a wonderful fun-filled day! I am so thankful that she chose to spend her special day with me!  

Yesterday August 4th, my gorgeous daughter Samantha and I took that day trip to Durham for her birthday to visit a mall she had not been to since she was about 9 years old. She has asked for years to lets go find it, but I couldn’t remember the name of the mall or where it was; except around Durham. After some research and viewing pictures online; we chose what looked like the place which was The Streets of Southpoint. All she wanted was to visit this place, get cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory and eat dinner at Logan’s Roadhouse. So we shopped a little then visited the Cheesecake Factory for some delicious out of this world cheesecake and were just in awe of the sites we saw at The Streets of Southpoint. Once we left Durham; with no Logan’s Roadhouse on our route; we detoured through Goldsboro on the way home to eat dinner at her favorite restaurant.

With Samantha’s birthday and wanting to do something really special for her; this week has been extremely busy. I put together what started out as a blanket but ended up being a handmade quilt for Samantha’s 24th birthday. Needless to say, I have never done anything like this before.The top was made from old t-shirts that she had worn over the years from the time she was a little girl all the way through high school. There was a lot of love, care and hours put into this handmade quilt. It’s not perfect; but I have always told her that nothing I do is perfect; but at least I try. But she said she didn’t care because it was made with love. Then this morning when I woke up and we were talking about her birthday, I told her she was so spoiled. She chuckled and said “Yes I am”! She was so happy and excited over our day together yesterday and her handmade quilt. So excited, that she took it with her to show her grandparents (my mom and dad) on our visit. I am sad to say that she hasn’t always known that her momma loves her because I didn’t always show love towards her.

In my prayer closet this morning, God reminded me that the amazingly wonderful time that Samantha and I had yesterday has not always been a part of our life. We laughed, sang, talked about God and we had so much fun! But over the years it has taken a long time to get here because I was hateful, controlling and I mistreated her  physically, emotionally, and mentally. It has taken a lot for her to forgive me for the things that I have done and said to her; and even the relationships that I have exposed her to. She recently told me that she has just been able to forgive me within the past couple of years; that it took her a while. But in seeing God move in my life and the changes that she has seen within me; she was able to let go of the hurt and pain and truly love me. Thank God I am not who I use to be; not even who I was in January of this year.

In 2010 when I left my 3rd husband to move to our now present home I was a wreck. Although I had accepted Christ into my life in 2008 and was attending church regularly, my life wasn’t an example of what a relationship with Christ should be. I was a poor example of a Christian! The anger that I had towards my now ex-husband just came with me when we moved and the sad part is; Samantha was the only one around so she caught the brunt of everything. Feeling as if I had lost everything in my life and feeling like a complete failure; especially since I was headed towards divorce number 3, I was angry and tried to control everything in Samantha’s life. I think now it was a way that I felt perhaps if I controlled her; then she would never walk away from me. For it seemed everyone had always done just that! But the reality of it was I was pushing her away with my anger and controlling ways.

We have always pretty much done everything together over the years and everyone said we were best friends. But the truth is I think perhaps she was afraid to tell me she didn’t want to do stuff with me for fear of me hurting her in some way. It’s sad to think this; but it’s true. When she finally tried to stand up for herself in my outburst of anger; I remember getting so mad with her calling her names, telling her to shut up and I remember grabbing her by the throat with my hands. Once I realized what I was doing; I let go, cried and immediately apologized, for I would never intentionally hurt her!  Every time I did anything to hurt her; I felt horrible and never wanted to leave her for a fear that something would happen to her. Guilt overwhelmed me!

For the life of me; I couldn’t understand how I could hurt the most precious gift that God had given to me on this earth! I have since come to realize as my relationship with God has grown that it wasn’t me; it was what was in me that did all these horrible things! On February 2, 2014, I was delivered from that deep rooted anger during a church service. I have written about this deliverance in a earlier post. I also have been delivered within the past year from that controlling spirit.

I realized that both of these were generational curses that had to be broken off of my life to keep them from being passed to Samantha and future generations. Although I was delivered; satan didn’t want to let me go. I wish I could say that since that day in 2014 that I have never had another outburst of anger; but I can’t. In Matthew 12:43-45 it speaks of when an evil spirit leaves a person it tries to return and believe me it does. Each day we have to choose to walk in the ways of the Lord and it can be difficult but God always provides a way. It has been a spiritual battle but God is greater and He won! Today I walk in freedom from bondage that had me bound for what seems like forever! There is a sense of peace and calm within my soul and within my home. As the song goes; it is well with my soul.

***1 John 2:6(NIV) Whoever claims to live in Him must live as Jesus did.

*** John 8:36 (NIV) So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

Within the past year since God had me start writing this blog; I have grown so much in my relationship with Him. I am still not perfect and never will I be until He calls me home. But with God, the relationship between Samantha and me is one of true love, respect, admiration, honor and integrity. We can truly say we are proud that we are not only mother and daughter; but we definitely are best friends. It feels amazing to know that my daughter has truly forgiven me and that she knows without a shadow of a doubt that I love her and will always do anything I can for her!

I can’t change the past; but with God I don’t have to live there and the future for Samantha and myself is looking pretty great. God has us both doing a work for Him. We support each other and are each others biggest cheerleaders. And I am so grateful that God gave me such a beautiful gift. Her beauty not only radiates from the outside but from the inside. She is truly a treasure! I Love You Samantha Jo from the bottom of my heart!! 

I don’t know if this will help anyone else; but I do know that it has helped one young woman to be able to forgive her mom and restore their relationship. As I share from my heart; I pray that others learn from my mistakes and know that God is the only way to peace, joy and true love. As the song goes, if you’re tired and you’re weary, there is freedom. Our Heavenly Father is that freedom!  Trust Him today!

**Colossians 3:13

**Matthew 6:14-15

**Ephesians 4:31-32

**1 John 1:9

 To God be All the Glory, Honor and Praise !

Much Love to You All!

Donna

The End of a Journey But the Beginning of Life

When I ended the story a few weeks ago I told you that Samantha and I had moved into our present home after leaving my now ex-husband. I was a mixed bag of emotions from being mad, sad, hurt, depressed, confused, to angry. Crushed because everything had happened like it did as I had so hoped for our marriage to work out and finally have a big family. But things didn’t quite work out that way. As I look back now, I’m not sure if I was more upset over the separation and moving or the fact that I didn’t have control over everything. One thing for sure was I felt like a complete failure as I was heading for divorce number 3.

When we moved I was already working with the school system and going to college part time. I had to give up college because it was just too much on me at that time. But it was during Thanksgiving break our home was almost ready and I told Samantha to get some of her clothes and we would spend the night at our new place. I wasn’t ready to move yet because some things still needed to be completed and I figured if we moved in it would never get done. But when we got to our now home I realized she had brought every piece of clothing she owned! When I asked her why, she simply stated she wanted to get out and didn’t want to go back because she was tired of the way things had been. Unfortunately our kids are the ones who suffer the most when we make those selfish and irresponsible decisions and behave irrationally.

He helped us get settled in and moved the items that I had purchased and stored in the outbuilding for me. I didn’t take anything from the home except Samantha’s bedroom suite as I wanted to make sure he had everything that he needed to have a furnished home. Because when I met him; his apartment was bare and regardless of what had happened, I didn’t have the heart to clean him out. I did love him and wanted him to have everything that he needed. He helped us financially for quite some time and still helps in little ways that he can for he said he would always help Samantha any way possible. But I was so upset that I had to leave my beautiful home I had worked so hard in and not to mention my huge kitchen. For the one I have now is almost too small to change your mind in, but praise God, I have a home.

After just a couple of weeks here at our new place; I remember Samantha telling me that our old single wide mobile home felt like home and that she missed it. Then she said that our other house we had just left never felt like home and that our new place felt more like home than that house ever did. She was absolutely right! As much as I loved that house it never felt like home to me either; it was a place to stay and a roof over our heads. Marriage was short lived with all the trouble we had with my sickness and attitude, jealousy of kids and everything else that went on. As I stated in an earlier post; I wasn’t ready to be married and I never should have married him. It wasn’t the right time and it definitely wasn’t fair to him or either of our girls! But praise God we are still friends. There was definitely healing that needed to take place within me before I ever said I Do! And I needed to know the true meaning of love and what marriage is all about.

Two years passed before I even considered dating anyone. Just before our divorce was final I started seeing someone. However I shouldn’t have until my divorce was final because when you are still married by law you are still married in Gods eyes; therefore I was committing adultery. Even though the divorce was almost final and I was seeing someone; I just found it hard to let go of my husband. I remember continuously asking him, are you sure this is what you want; can’t we seek counseling and work it out! Of course he was done and wanted no part of trying to salvage the marriage. I think deep down I was hoping that the time apart would cause him to miss me and want me. But I know now that it was that longing to have someone and be married and not have divorce number three take place.

I wasn’t sure if I was upset over divorcing him or the fact that it was going to be divorce number three for me. However I felt like a complete failure and that I would never have a marriage work. And you know what?…. with that type of attitude and stinking thinking, I most definitely can’t! But God moves mountains and heals emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually when we allow Him to do so. Once we completely accept Him and surrender, then He is able to make beauty from our ashes. However, at this point I wasn’t quite there yet!

This entire time I was going to church and working on my relationship with God and many miracles had taken place in my life but I still had a ways to go. God has truly had his hands full molding and shaping me! But jumping into a dating relationship at this time was detrimental to my walk. For I strayed and not only was I committing adultery, but fornication too! And oh how the struggle between the spirits was completely overwhelming! The relationship with this guy got really nasty and only lasted a few months but then I turned right around and jumped into dating an old friend. He’s the one that had given me the expensive engagement ring that I gave back and I told you about this in an earlier post. Then a year later I ran into a dear precious old friend and we dated for only a short while. But although I was divorced and had been for 2 years he felt like he was being compared to my ex because of things I said. I never meant for it to come out that way. I guess I just had to have healing in my entire being before I could move forward in my life. I have since learned that there is no man on this earth that can make me happy or love me like my Father! Happiness comes from within, no person, all the money in the world nor anything can make you happy….but a personal relationship with the Father is what it takes!

***** 1 Corinthians 6:18 -20-Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, who you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

I’ve realized that you can’t move on until your heart is completely healed. Perhaps after two years of separation you would think you would be healed but when you have extremely deep pain from childhood on up, it takes a while to allow God to heal all those scars and create within you a new, tender and loving heart. God knew my heart and He knew that no marriage would ever work out for me until I was completely healed from the inside-out from every single thing that had hurt me in my past.

During the past seven years God has healed me from all my deep rooted anger, jealousy, rage, bitterness, hatred, spitefulness, envy, selfishness, a controlling spirit, hatefulness, all sickness & diseases, heartache, depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. He has created in me a new heart and has given me life. Not to say that satan, who is out to steal, kill and destroy doesn’t prowl around trying to convince me otherwise; but I know who I am. I am the daughter of the King, the most High God who has turned my mourning into dancing and turned my sorrow into joy!

God is still molding and shaping me, as I am not perfect and will not be until He calls me home to be with Him. But when I fall; I am quick to repent and I get back up brush myself off and go again. I do not want to do anything to displease my Father but to do everything so that He may receive all the glory, honor and praise. My life didn’t change overnight after accepting God as my Savior and yes I stepped out of His will more times than I care to admit. But He never let me go! Praise God!!!

Being healed & delivered from smoking, addiction to prescription drugs and not tithing properly during the Health & Wealth Conference when Jeremy Laborde prayed with me was an eye-opening experience. I will tell you more about this soon and about the physical touch I received from God while praising Him at the alter one Sunday morning! Oh WOW, was that awesome! From cleaning the church, working in the nursery, helping with VBS, dancing on the praise team, doing skits for the Women’s Conference, and praising & worshipping Him freely; every day I love Him more and more. And I know He has huge plans for me!

*****Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Join me next week as I tell you a little more of my story and my walk to true love as God continues to mold & shape me!

To God be all the Glory, Honor & Praise Forevermore!

Much Love to you All,

Donna

Light VS Dark

Walking along the beach last weekend I was reminded as I looked at the sea shells upon the sand that the world is made up of many different people. We are of different ethnicity, races, sex and religions but God loves every one of us. He may not be pleased with our ways or what we do sometimes; but that doesn’t stop His love for us. And it most definitely doesn’t’ stop Him from trying to reel us back in when we start to stray. The correction of our Father can be tough; but much needed and in my case much wanted! 

When we truly commit our life to God; we change from the inside out. My heart and my life are so extremely opposite from where I use to be. I gave my life to Christ in 2008 but He has had His hands full molding and shaping me. The journey to where I am today has been tough but I thank God that He never gave up on me and left me where I was. And just because you accept God as your Savior doesn’t mean you are an instant know it all nor does it mean you will never take a fall. We are saved by grace through Gods mercy; which doesn’t give us permission to sin; but gives us the grace to repent when we do.

***2 Peter 3:9 –  The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance.

In 2006 when gas prices went through the roof instead of driving to Wallace every day for work; I started working within the school system doing a interim position. Then I became a substitute teacher. It was during this time that I decided to go to college; I wanted to make something of myself. Thinking too that if I got my degree that my husband would see that I am somebody and our marriage would change. He was proud of me for working and going to school, but I was so overly consumed with perfection in my school work that when we were trying to work out our marriage I had no time for him or my daughter. Many days they rode off on the motorcycle to visit my family and I didn’t have time. Between school and medications my life was consumed and I had shut out everyone. Sadly, I too had taught my daughter that all men are dogs as I use to say this all the time and she picked it up and started saying it. WOW, how irresponsible that was of me and extremely damaging!

As I told you last time Samantha started walking to church in 2007, than I started going too. And we were baptized in February 2008. And just a couple of weeks after we came home from church one Sunday we found that my step-daughter and her precious baby girl had moved out. My husband found it convenient and moved into that bedroom once again. I couldn’t see it at that moment but God was working on the situation. Although he had moved out of our bedroom; we started talking more since our step-daughter was gone. It was during this time that I made friends at the church and had started going to a women’s meeting on Wednesday mornings. Three wonderful women became my cheerleaders to cheer me on and pray for me as I grew in Christ. Without out there support I do not know what would have happened.

During this time God gave me writing ability of poetry and a vision of a special camp for underprivileged children, exceptional children and battered & abused women. I drew this out and still have the drawing. I haven’t given up and I am still believing for this place and I know it is 30 acres. God will provide! It was during this time that I wrote “My Angel of God” and shared partial testimony with my friends. God was working on me; but satan was not letting go that easily. A new Christian who didn’t know anything about God, except I knew there was one, I wasn’t very clever to the tricks of the enemy.

Thinking I was doing right all the while I was doing wrong! My husband wouldn’t go to church with us and I just had to show him all his wrong. I was trying to show him the specks in his eyes while I couldn’t see the planks in mine! I was constantly telling him about what the Bible says and highlighted scriptures in the Bible and would leave it laying around in hopes that he would read it. All the while I was completely doing wrong! You can’t win someone’s love and teach about God by cramming it down their throats, especially when you don’t know anything yourself!  You see God can’t move if we don’t let Him in. We have to get out buts out of the way so He can!

However, God graced me when Samantha and I started going to church at Mt. Zion PFWB in Pink Hill, NC. My parents started going with us and when we had an open mic Sunday; Samantha and I were to sing. During this time my husband and I were not where we needed to be; but God was working. We asked him to come hear us sing and he did. This was a beginning as he started coming to church and he gave his life to God. Then we started the Love Dare class on Wednesday nights; but unfortunately softball season started and that was his life. Between practice, games and coaching on the side; there was no time for Love Dare studies or working on a marriage. Church became a distant thing to him and so did I. When he had given his life to God that Sunday morning, I remember him turning around holding me tight at that alter telling me that he loved me! Oh, happy words and he moved back into our bedroom; but between life and his career and my bickering; he soon moved out of our room again. I was in a total loss and outraged as he became so distant once again and I felt like a complete failure. Not sure if I was angrier with him or the fact that I was headed towards a third divorce. Again, here I took control and didn’t allow God to be God! 

That deep anger came out one day as I was arguing with him and I attacked him. It was as if I blanked out or snapped and had become someone else; as if something had taken over me! I realize now it was a demonic spirit that was in control. When I snapped out of this and realized I had hurt him, I was so emotionally distraught and I remember begging for his forgiveness. He just wanted me to leave him alone and the truth is I don’t blame him! It was then I knew I needed help; I needed prayer! I called my three friends, they came over and I told them what had happened. They comforted and calmed me down, praying for me and for my husband (although he had left). I had never snapped like that before and never want too again! I then started therapy and was put on medication. But since then I have been delivered; God has worked a miracle in my life!

Church became a thing of the past for Samantha and myself as we stopped going. I think I had given up because it didn’t seem I was getting any better nor my marriage. And I had tried to teach a youth class and once again I felt like a complete failure as these kids didn’t want to learn; they had no interest whatsoever. What I didn’t realize was that God is not a magic genie and a happy life is not dependent on someone else. My happiness is dependent on me and my joy comes from the Lord. I also didn’t realize that a walk with God is not an overnight ordeal; it takes time to grow in Christ by being intimate with Him. Then we can step out and teach others about Him. Boy did I have a lot to learn!!!

But praise God for He sends people our way all the time. We were car shopping for Samantha and one of my sweet sisters whom I had not seen in a while, that I use to go to the prayer meetings with had a car for sale. We tried it out but it was not for us; however she told us of a church with lots of youth and Samantha’s best friend attended it. She said, “Mommy can we go Sunday”? And of course I said yes and we’ve been going ever since! God gave me a church family and a spiritual Mom and Dad who love me regardless of my imperfections. Agape Life Family Church family has helped me grow and learn of who God really is. Although, I had found a church family to pour into me; my husband had no desire to ever attend a church with me again. He said he had forgiven me and we started working on our marriage once again; taking a family vacation in VA with a family motorcycle ride in the mountains. So much fun, but things just didn’t feel as they should between us. The damage that had been done was irreversible and only a God centered marriage could survive this and it takes three to make it work, God –husband & wife. Although I wanted too, he had no desire to seek marriage counseling not even with the pastor. 

After our vacation, things went downhill and by Christmas he once again had moved out into his own room. He was rarely home, staying out late at work or wherever and when he was home he stayed in his bedroom. It was then walking by his bedroom many times and seeing his phone laying on the bed beside him, I just knew he had to be seeing someone. So one day when Samantha was gone I ran in and grabbed his phone and ran back to my bedroom with it. All while he was trying to get in to get it. I didn’t know how to use his phone; but somehow I got in. And when I did, I was devastated! All my suspicions were possibly correct. But I know now I pushed him away and I drove him to find comfort elsewhere. I can’t say that I blame him because I was not a wife that anyone would have wanted at that time! It was then that I requested my car be put in my name and find a place for Samantha and myself to stay! I wanted out! I couldn’t do it anymore!  So we found our little house in the woods and moved here in 2010 after it was remodeled and a few things taken care of.

Thank God Samantha and I had started attending Agape Life Family Church the year before for now I had a spiritual Father and Mother to talk with and pray for me. God knew I was really gonna need them!

***Isaiah 43:19 – Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will make a road in the wilderness And rivers in the desert.

He is really a good man but he was never meant to be my husband as our relationship wasn’t God centered. And as you see our marriage wasn’t God ordained and I shouldn’t have said yes knowing that I wasn’t ready. This all shows you how going against God can be so devastating not only for one person but for many! But God makes beauty from ashes!!! We became friends after our divorce and would now do anything we can to help one another.

*** Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Join me next time as I share a little more of how God came in and changed me from the inside out….

To God Be All the Glory, Honor & Praise!

Much Love To You All,

Donna

A Glimmer of Light in the Darkest of Days

For many years I pretty much invited satan into my home to take everything I had. However, the way my life went for most of my years he didn’t have to take it, I practically handed everything to him on a gold platter. But now I am at a point in my life where I’m tired of everything being taken and I’m tired of giving it away. I want my stuff back! The fight is on!

As I continue to be the hands, feet and voice for God as the Holy Spirit leads me, please keep me in your prayers. This is no easy task revealing your deepest darkest secrets for everyone to see. And the spiritual battle is real but with God I can do all things for He gives me strength.

I look back at last fall when I began this journey; reluctantly I might add. And from then until now I see growth within myself. Praise God I am not who I was then or even 2 months ago! But I’m still not where I want to be.  I am ever so grateful that God loved me so much to never give up me and for changing my heart; hence changing my life! When He asked me to share my life story I didn’t want too. I saw no purpose in it and was terrified of what people would say about me. But as I have written I have come to a point where I don’t care what others think; I only care what my Father in Heaven thinks of me. Satan has fought me every step of the way to keep me from sharing. But praying that my story would help at least one person; I have come to realize that it is making a difference and having an impact for His Kingdom. He is using my obedience to Him to heal my heart from all the pain of my past. And He is preparing me for my future. Most importantly He is showing the world what He can do! And I write for Him so he can receive all the glory, honor and praise!

Father reduce me and increase you!

****Joshua 1:9 (NIV) “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Just this past week God let me know the impact my obedience is having on others; that my writing is not in vain. From a co-worker who recently became friends with me on Facebook I received a beautiful hand-painted gift (pictured below). She has been reading my post on Facebook and she was inspired to paint something that she said describes me. The Mason jar is a theme from our school that stands for amazing, the butterfly is a sweet spirit that flies around, and the beauty of flowers I love dearly. Then at church Sunday morning a beautiful sister told me that she loves reading my Facebook post. And she said that she’s so amazed at the heart change God has done in me, she can see the growth. And that some Christians post things on Facebook, but she knows my post are genuinely from the heart. Before I could leave church Pastor Joyce told me that she too loves reading my blog. And that she is proud of me for doing what I am doing for God. Then Sunday night another sweet sister let me know she sat one day and read every blog post that I have written. She said she just couldn’t stop reading it and that she knows that my testimony has to help many. And she ended by saying that it takes a lot of courage to share so much. She is absolutely right and I have never had that courage; but with God all things are possible!  God knows what we need when we need it and He is always right on time. And I desperately needed to know that what I am doing for God is making a difference.

I most definitely can’t change my past; but I can make sure that my future is much brighter. With God in control and not Donna, life is and will continue to be amazing.

Now the story continues……. Last week I shared with you that I married for the third time to a very precious man that deserved so much more than what he received. He is a good man that I did not respect as I should have. Not saying that he was perfect and without fault; it’s just the fact that I wasn’t ready to be married and in doing so I played a huge part in damaging lives. When I ended last week, I told you that trying to defend my husband against his daughter I almost hit her for calling me a _ _ _ Bitch. But I also said that out of respect for him as my husband, head of the house and her father I should have allowed him to handle it. I am not proud of who I was back then with my childish behavior that I displayed at times. But God can transform a person’s heart and create beauty from those dirty stinky ashes. Praise God I am not who I use to be!

****Ezekiel 11:19(ESV)”And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh,

****Ezekiel 36:26 (ESV) “And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.

Our marriage didn’t start out bad; except when I left him at the church on our wedding night, that was extremely bad. We were actually happy and loved one another when we first got married. And when I moved to Richlands he was concerned about my former contacts so he asked me to change my email address and telephone number. I did all of this as he asked because I thought it was the right thing to do; however he never changed any of his. But my life turned completely upside down after I got sick, and our first year together was rough but we were ok. We managed to get through things that came our way. Each year got a little more difficult. And in our second year of marriage my anger, bitterness and depression had grown until I was in a pit so deep I never thought I could get out of it. As my marriage fell apart, the relationship with my step-daughter completely a wreck and my relationship with my own daughter was beginning to be out of sync as I was falling into a deep dark depression. It overtook my life to the point where I hated myself, my daughter, my husband, just everyone. I wanted nothing to do with anybody and had reached a point at one time that I didn’t even want to leave the house and was afraid to drive. I was at an all-time low. I actually wanted to die and had basically given up on life.

While my pain increased in my physical body it affected my mental health too. Three surgeries, menopause, fibromyalgia, restless leg syndrome, arthritis, degenerative disk disease, irritable bowel syndrome, severe depression and anxiety and a marriage on the rocks; I had no control over what was going on and I was so bitterly angry! Mad at the world, I felt I had been dealt a bad hand. Truth was my own decisions and choices had gotten me exactly where I was!

I think everything that had happened in my past and never learning how to deal with rejection and anger really played a big part in what was going on. My best friends telling me I wasn’t good enough and dumping me in elementary school and being bullied then the abuse I had endured had some lasting effects. Then being a single mom and in control of everything for so many years, it was difficult letting go of being the one in charge. So, when things went spinning out of control in my life; I tried holding on any way possible including being manipulative. Little did I realize I was pushing him away which created a cycle of feeling rejected, deep depression, more pain, and more anger. It was a vicious cycle of pain leading to anger and depression, then the depression and pain leading to even more anger that became like a time bomb ticking in me.

Our home had become a hell with no one getting along as there was so much disrespect displayed in that house towards one another. I was tired of living in so much turmoil and I couldn’t even see the pain that my daughter was in. It wasn’t just me with issues, she was being treated unfairly in the home to the point where she was inducing self-harm. But I was so out of it; I didn’t have a clue. It was during this time that I was going to college at night and doing online classes. I had a break from everything; but she was still there in it. Needless to say the arguing wasn’t just between my ex and myself as my daughter was left there hearing my ex and his daughter argue. Praise God for He kept my daughter alive during her self-harm. I can’t go into her testimony but she will at some point soon.

Living in a home where no one will talk to you as they walk past you was extremely tough. We lived under the same roof but we didn’t operate as a family; shoot we didn’t even operate as friends. Married but all alone, I felt more alone than I did when I was single. I just wanted my husband to love me and I felt like I was in competition. However, now I realize I can’t blame him for not wanting to be around me; I had put him in a very terrible position and I know I was disrespectful to him.  He felt like he had to choose between his daughter and me because she didn’t want any part of me for I had come in and things had changed. Although I wasn’t ready for marriage in the beginning; once we were married I was excited as I thought now I had two more daughters and I wanted us to be family. I had always wanted a big family! Didn’t quite work out that way; they had one mom and one mom was all they wanted!

My ex looked at me one day and told me I was crazy and so did his daughter. At that time I didn’t think so but honestly I had lost my mind. With everything going on and all the arguing all the time my nerves were completely shot! I was a complete wreck!!! The doctor had put me on so much medication and I had become addicted. One medication led to another as the side effects keep increasing another medication had to cover the side effects of another. I had given up and just wanted to be put somewhere or die. I reached an all-time low when I went in for psychological testing. I manipulated the answers on some of those questions so that it would appear I was worse than I really was. I wanted my husbands sympathy so bad and thought perhaps he would care if he thought I really had a problem as he had told me that all of my pain was in my head. Praise God regardless of what I did the test still turned out ok! God was in control and watching out for me! As I have said I am not proud of things I did and no I am not crazy. However, at that time my buttons had been pushed to the max and I was on the verge of a total breakdown. Third marriage, I didn’t want a third divorce! I felt like a complete failure and I couldn’t fix it and I wanted to fix our family and be a family, all of us!

What hurt me really bad was when he told me that I had waited until we were married to get sick! Like I had planned it! Wow, that hurt because if I could have had my way about it I most definitely wouldn’t have chosen what I had to go through. I know now that he never meant what he said; he was hurt and I realize we all say things that we don’t mean when we are hurt and angry when we react in the flesh. I know that I did and I hurt him tremendously. During all of this I had applied for disability due to all my sicknesses but God knew better and had a greater plan as it was denied.

After 2 years of living in such devastation, Samantha found out about a Walk the Line lock-in that was to take place in Beulaville and she begged to go. Thank God, I took her and her friend Heidi. It was there that she gave her life to God and then she started walking to church. When she started singing in the choir she asked me to go hear her sing; after a while she asked me to join her in the choir because she knew my love of singing. It’s after this that I accepted Christ into my life and she and I both were baptized the same day.

I thought once I gave my life to God and was baptized that life would be perfect. As a new Christian I had a lot to learn!

Join me next week as this story continues:

May All the Glory, Honor and Praise be to Our Heavenly Father!

Much Love To You All,

Donna

 

 

 

 

 

 

Third Time Isn’t a Charm

I think it’s much easier to put the blame on someone else when things go wrong in our life. But the truth is usually the one we should blame is the one looking back at us in the mirror; as we are responsible for our own actions and reactions and must take responsibility for such. I have learned that if I don’t seek God’s will and ask Him, then I will make the wrong choices as my life testimony has shown you.

As I sit here and think about my life and the way I see the youth longing to have a partner; I realize I was exactly the same way. However, I thought I had to have someone in my life and was doing whatever it took to find him. I didn’t know that we as women shouldn’t be chasing after the guy. But I thank God for my pastors for I have learned a lot in church and in studies that I have done. Girls just remember you are not the pursuer; you are to be pursued!

I am really praying that my testimony opens the eyes of many and that they be saved from a tragic marriage all because they didn’t seek God’s will for their life. Back in March when I wrote “The Dance of Darkness” I ended with telling you that Samantha had been wanting a daddy extremely bad. And I told you that through online chat rooms and night clubs I had met many people. However, when someone would become interested I tried to find something wrong with them because I didn’t want them to get close enough to see that deep rooted anger that I had. And I was manipulative, childish and threatened suicide when things didn’t go my way. I realize now that I never learned how to deal with rejection, criticism and my feelings of not being good enough. Growing up poor and being picked on in school was difficult and then when my best friends dumped me I really felt like I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t know at that time that my worth was not based off of what man thought but who I am in Christ. But this was before I knew God. And as you know at 15 years old I went through the motions; but never walked the walk…. I was on the run from God.

Living in Potters Hill when Samantha was about 10 years old; a very precious man came into our lives and he was so persistent. I tried my best to run him off and he kept coming back; wouldn’t take no for an answer. Samantha loved him so very much and he loved her and took up so much time with her. But his daughters were a different story as I could tell they were not so welcoming towards me. I know that their dad had been their world since their mom died. It was difficult but he assured me that the girls were away at college and they were fine with him dating me. I just never felt like I was good enough for them and felt they didn’t think I was either.

It was a world wind romance; getting engaged after about 5 months of dating. However, when we discussed the wedding I wanted to wait a year and he didn’t. He was in a hurry and wanted to get married soon. I knew that I wasn’t ready, but I listened to everyone tell me how much he must love me because when I tried to run him off he kept coming back. So we found a house and started remodeling. Working all day, planning a wedding, painting at nights and weekends wore me out. He had no idea of the medical issues that I had, but in December the house was ready and we moved in. In January we were married and little did we know that our lives were about to get turned upside down.

We had no honeymoon because it was an extremely cold winter and the week before our wedding the pipes had frozen and burst at the place we were suppose to stay. The wedding was beautifully planned from the icicles lights to snowflakes with a snowflake wedding cake. However, when you have too many hands in anything something is bound to go wrong and the way everything happened that night I should have known from the start it was going to be a struggle. After the wedding it was time for our dances and all the fun festivities. But when we went to change into more comfortable clothing someone decided to start cleaning up. Wedding cake got thrown into the trash, we didn’t even get a slice and we never finished out festivities. But since everything got trashed we decided to pack it up and just got home.

It was cold and raining and we had not driven out together to the church. So when I got into the Toyota ready for home, I forgot to wait for one very important thing before Samantha and I left! Yep!! I left the groom at the church! When he realized I was gone; he was already locked out of the building and it was freezing and pouring rain. When I drove up into the driveway at home I said “oh crap”! Samantha asked me what was wrong and I told her I left my husband at the church! I immediately realized he had brought his vehicle home at some point and I didn’t know it. My parents had followed me home to take items from the wedding so I sent my dad to pick him up. Boy I felt like a dog and I could never live that one down. I can only imagine now how he must have felt!

Being married was an adjustment since I had been alone for almost 10 years. Trying to get use to someone being around all the time was a little tough but I was happy to be married and have someone with me. I knew that I married too quickly but I was going to try my best. A few weeks after our wedding one morning I got up and couldn’t use my right arm. All the painting that we had done had caused extreme pain in my arm, neck and shoulder. After being referred to several specialist; I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis, the neurologist said my spine looked like a 7o something year olds, and I had bone spurs and disk herniation’s. Now here I am not able to go to work for a while, newly married, dealing with pain, being put on medications for the pain, going to physical therapy, then to pain management for steroid injections. At first it was my lower back; then after my back surgery and issues flared up again I had to have the injections in my neck. But anyway with everything going on I was put on several medications that I eventually got hooked on. But before that let me back up. During the time I was trying to find out what was going on and trying to get well. It was about a year before they ever did the first surgery trying to keep from operating. I was depressed, going through menopause, gaining weight due to the steroids, and just extremely unhappy as I was so use to being able to be on the go. Needless to say my depression had an effect on him and I wasn’t the most pleasant of people when I was hurting.

My then youngest step-daughter dropped out of college and begged to come home. I gave her my mobile home to live in and she stayed there for a while but soon she was in our home. I could feel the tension; the jealousy and it was difficult especially since I was sick. However, I know now that I didn’t’ make things any easier for us. I was selfish and wanted him all to myself and didn’t want to share. But unfortunately I felt that is exactly how his girls felt too. And I understand it now because he was all they had since their mom died when then were young. I didn’t understand at that time. I had a vision of how marriage was to be and it wasn’t going that way. Reality is a lot different from what we can dream up.

There was an incident that took place and he was being cussed at by his daughter and I didn’t like it so I took up for him. Not wanting to see her talk ugly to him, I intervened and almost hit her when she called me a _ _ _ Bitch. As head of the house and her father and out of respect for both of them I should have allowed him to handle it. I was wrong and I am not proud of what I did by no means. This was the start of a difficult few years as I had put him in a difficult position between his daughter and myself. I was an adult but I sure didn’t act like it as you will see as my story continues next week. He is a good man with beautiful girls but there was a lot I just didn’t understand at that time and my anger grew even deeper!

Praise God I am not who I use to be!

****Ephesians 5:21 (NIV) Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

****Colossians 3:18-19 (AMP) Wives, be subject to your husbands (out of respect for their position as protector, and their accountability to God) as is proper and fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives (with an affectionate, sympathetic, selfless love that always seeks the best for them) and do not be embittered or resentful toward them (because of the responsibilities of marriage).

****Philippians 2:4 (AMP) Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.

To God Be All The Glory, Forever!….Amen!

XOXOXO,

Donna

 

Righteous Prayer Needed

In James 5:16 It says to, “Confess your trespasses to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.”  With this being said I am asking that you all pray for me. I have allowed things to pull me away from writing this blog that God asked me to write. I am praying for clarity of heart and mind that I can hear the Holy Spirit and continue writing for my Father so that He may be glorified!  

God Loves You & So Do I ! 

To God Be The Glory Always!

Much Love To You All ,

Donna

 

 

The Dance of Darkness

In a Facebook post this week I saw a picture that read “If you’re not lighting any candles, then don’t complain about being in the dark.” This got me to thinking about all the darkness that was in my life at one time. I sure wasn’t lighting any candles to brighten my way. If anything I was blowing them out; more like burying them as I ran from God. I allowed such doom and gloom into my life; not only affecting me but my precious daughter and everyone that tried to love me.

Just recently we had a prophetic night of worship at church and a very precious friend said, “Forgiveness is the hardest thing you can do and the most strongest thing you can do.” These words are so very powerful! A long and difficult journey it has been; but I have finally been able to forgive not only others, but myself.

As I think back over my life there were many times I just couldn’t seem to find it in me to forgive anyone. Angry and depressed I wanted to place the blame on everyone else for all the injustice in my life. The truth is, my own choices had a huge part of me being where I was. And not learning at an early age how to handle rejection and anger, put me on an uphill battle. The strongest thing I could have done was forgiven those early in life that hurt me so deeply, learned how to accept the negative from others and deal with my own demons. Easier said than done; as it has taken me totally submitting myself to Christ to do this. I was never able to do so even with the psychiatrist help. But God! The one thing I have realized is that as I grew up, I found it harder to forgive myself than to forgive others. I have been my own worst critic. 

Ephesians 4:32 – And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.

Ezekiel 36:26 (NLT) And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.

Anger, bitterness and unforgiveness can wreak havoc on a body. In 1996 Samantha and I were involved in a rear-end collision. This wreck and the pain afterwards was the onset of many years of sickness and three operations. While living in Potters Hill on top of the anxiety, depression, anger and panic attacks I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome,  High Blood Pressure, Fibromyalgia and my back would lock up due to injury from the wreck. I had 9 vertebrae that had been moved out of alignment from my neck down from the wreck. And even after chiropractic care I still had trouble. On top of being extremely depressed and angry about my life I now had to deal with all of this. I wanted so much more for my daughter than to be a single mom who was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. The only way I knew how to cope was to bury it in a bottle, smoke cigarettes and adult pleasure; but that just brought on more troubles of its own.

I wanted to move away thinking that a change of scenery would change my life; but Samantha didn’t want to leave her grandparents. I was basically trying to just run from my problems. It was idiotic of me to think that moving would solve my issues! So  I decided I would go to college at night while I worked at Nationwide Insurance during the day. Mr. Benny (associate agent) had encouraged me to go to school to get my degree and then have a chance at bettering the life’s of Samantha and myself. I registered and was awarded financial aid to cover the cost. However, with my parents work schedules it was not convenient for them to keep Samantha while I was in school. And they didn’t really see the need for me to receive a college education as I was working at Nationwide. I was very upset and once again, I felt like a failure and couldn’t seem to find a way to make our life’s better. If only I would have listened to my child and just took her to church, but no I was still running from God!

Samantha wanted a daddy so badly. She was picked on by the kids on the school bus for not having a daddy at home. I remember for Christmas all she would ask for was a daddy; she would say “Mommy I want Santa Claus to bring me a daddy for Christmas!” This broke my heart and sent me searching anyway possible to find her a father figure. So between going out to the clubs and meeting people from online chat rooms I met many people. But as soon as anyone started to get close; I would push them away. Finding anything that I could wrong to not get close to them. I knew I had issues that I needed to deal with and didn’t want them to see my anger. Unfortunately, after running many off it didn’t work for one very persistent man.

To God Be The Glory, Forever!

Join me next week when this story continues and all hell starts to break loose.

Much Love To You All!

Donna

Check out my newest blog for God with Emerge Ministries at emerge4unity.org

Making or Breaking My Child

The past few weeks have been extremely emotional for me. I have witnessed many things that God has used to remind me of where I was many years ago. This blog is a healing journey for me and as I have mentioned many times; my prayer is that though my trials, others will be helped. God is definitely on the move as I know healing allows me to grow. And as I continue to pour my heart out; just know I am so thankful that I am not who I once was. I am still not perfect; but I am chosen, loved, and redeemed! I am His!

The deep dark secrets that we try to hide are the very things that Satan uses to keep us bound. God sees everything so there is no need to try to hide them as we are only hurting ourselves. These deep secrets are the things that have kept me bound for years. We allow others to see what we want them to see; but the proof is in the pudding so to speak. What is happening behind closed doors? It is behind these closed doors that things wreak havoc on a little kids life!

The past few weeks I have seen children completely devastated by the way their parents have talked to and treated them. One little girl was blamed and told it was her fault for not telling her mom and dad about the time of an activity. They are the adults and in charge; so why must they blame her? Another child fell completely apart when she overheard her mom say that the other kids were the good kids. Hurtful words destroy little souls!  Then at a local restaurant, a waitress was new and learning and bless her heart she spilled tea all over my nephews cell phone. She was terrified and cried because it upset her so bad. She just knew she was going to be cussed at and perhaps lose her job. After that she was very timid; I approached her and told her it was ok, accidents happen and I gave her a hug. Her frown changed to a smile with tears in her eyes as she said, “You are so sweet,  bless you.” My old self would have totally destroyed this young lady. The actions and reactions that we have affect our children so much. Our words can encourage and help them grow or totally destroy them to the point they need professional help.

Being a single mom is extremely tough, but we can do it without destroying our children. I sure wish I would have know then what I realize now. But I was only living day to day thinking of what I wanted most of the time. I tried to say I was doing things for Samantha such as trying to find someone to marry so she would have a daddy. But the truth was I felt like I had to have someone in my life in order to be someone.  However my anger, depression, hopelessness, and panic attacks were all self-induced and kept people from wanting me. And once I finally realized what was going on with me; I was afraid to get close to anyone. Because I didn’t want anyone else to see the angry me, as I didn’t know how to control it. So when someone became interested and tried to get close; I would push them away.  I didn’t know how life was suppose to be; but I do know that my not knowing caused havoc for my daughter.

Speaking with Samantha this week I asked her what bad things she remembers about her earlier years. And what she said totally broke my heart! She said “Mama you probably ain’t going to like this but I remember when you were mad and you picked me up and shook me”. “And I remember when you and daddy were arguing and you had the knife in your hand.” She also remembers a time when she was about 7 years old, that I was extremely drunk and vomiting while my head was hanging on the side of the toilet and I asked her to pour out my vodka.

These are definitely not the memories I want my child to remember! It totally breaks my heart to know that all her visits and mine to the psychiatrist could have been avoided; if only I had of gotten my act together. It was my fault that she needed help and that I needed it too! My choices affected the both of us!

As parents we have to be mature, responsible role models for our children so that they are able to grow and flourish. I hurt Samantha, physically, mentally and emotionally. Did I mean for it to happen, of course not! But it happened. And it could have been avoided if I had learned how to control my anger by allowing God into my life instead of running all those years. Instead of pursuing God; I was pursuing the things of the world and it almost killed me as I attempted and contemplated suicide several times. Praise God on February 2, 2014 God performed a miracle in my heart and removed that deep-rooted anger that had held me hostage since childhood. It hurts me deeply knowing that my precious daughter has grown up in a home that wasn’t ideal, but God never left her side, nor mine! He makes beauty from our ashes.

Just as the fog and the trees block the light and make it difficult to see the sun; if we have dark things in our life these block our relationship with the Son. These things will suffocate us and block out the blessings and spiritual growth that God so desires for us. Willingness and obedience are key to expansion. It will hurt as we expand, but pain brings good things when we allow God to do the expansion.

Ezekiel 36:26 (NLT) And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.

Micah 6:8 (NLT) -“….. this is what He requires of you, to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.”

Matthew 6:21 – For where your treasure is; there your heart will be also.

As the time changed this weekend for daylight savings; perhaps it’s time to spring forward into the calling on your life. Use the gifts that God has given you to glorify Him! As Pastor Jim always says, “If you have a heartbeat, you have a purpose”!

To God Be The Glory, Forever!

Join me next week when this story continues…..

Much Love To You All!

Donna

Check out my newest blog for God with Emerge Ministries at:  emerge4unity.org

 

 

 

Part 2 -Hell For My Daughter In The Changing Seasons of My Life

Last week was off the chart crazy. It seemed like I was busier and more tired than usual; to the point when I sat on the couch I fell asleep.  Never happens – Not normal! The thing is I had two blogs and a newsletter to write on top of everything else going on. A lot to do in a little time and as a perfectionist I worried it may not be good enough or not what was wanted or needed. God kept telling me to trust Him, and of course I was being a little hard-headed; well perhaps a lot. But He told me that it will all be ok; that it’s in his timing not mine or anyone else’s. Several days last week He reminded me that I need to realize that our timing and His are different. I don’t have to have it all right now, that some things are worth waiting for. The best is yet to come! All I need to do is listen to him as he guides me; being obedient.

I didn’t understand what He was telling me or why I just couldn’t get my post done by my deadline; until this morning. Wow!  The picture you see is the first time I have ever seen the sun just barely rising up in the trees, between the red lights. I drive this way every morning to work and on this morning is when I saw this. God let me know that my post wasn’t ready yesterday because He needed me to see this to give me a message to share. He said, “We have stop lights in our life that keep us from rising to become the men and women that He has created and called us to be.” These stop lights that keep us bound are fear, pride, anxiety, depression, disobedience, family, friends and wrong relationships. I now realize the struggle I was having was like a stop light to keep me from moving forward into the calling God has on my life.

Sometimes life gets very trying for me as a single mom working full time, taking care of life’s responsibilities myself. With yard work, house work, full time job, blogging, ministry, church nursery worker, FCA, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, great aunt, and friend I don’t get much free time. So yes; like everyone else I get tired and last week was one of those that I was allowing the burden’s of life to overtake me. In doing so I became fearful; afraid to move forward for fear of failure. The only failure would have been if I hadn’t tried at all. But as I have heard a lot lately; to get something you’ve never had, you have to do something you’ve never done. So guess what?!  I will keep on keeping on for God as I write both blogs; this one and the one at Emerge4unity.org. I am reminded that all things are possible to those who believe and that I can do all things through Christ who strengthen me.

Mark 9:23 (AMP ) Jesus said to him, “(You say to Me,) If You can? All things are possible for the one who believes and trusts (in Me)!

Philippians 4:13 (AMP) I can do all things (which He has called me to do) through Him who strengthens and empowers me (to fulfill His purpose – I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency; I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him who infuses me with inner strength and confident peace.”)

God had several reasons for me waiting until today to finish this blog post. I needed to be patient and wait on His timing; as patience hasn’t always been a strong suit for me. And I needed to see the sun’s position behind the red stop lights so that He could remind me not to allow fear and anxiety to keep me from rising up and becoming who He has called me to be.

Rise up and become who God created you to be. Don’t allow those stop lights in your life to keep you from moving forward. The best is yet to come! Trust God!

Now my story continues:

Life in Potters Hill was more like an emotional rollercoaster more so than anything. Between my drinking and thinking that I so desperately had to have someone in my life; I stayed rather busy looking for that one. Never realizing that I just needed to heal from the heartache and pain of my life. I didn’t stop to think what I was possibly doing to Samantha. To me she was my child and I was the adult; I could do exactly as I wanted. However, all the while thinking that I was doing the right thing because she so desperately wanted a daddy. But the harder I tried the angrier and more depressed I got. Anger and depression in a mommy is not good for a child.

Drinking only took the pain away as long I was intoxicated, but just as soon as I was sober I felt awful. And guess what!! The same problems I was drinking to drown, were still there waiting on me once I sobered up! There were no simple answers for this rebellious woman, it seemed everything was difficult; perhaps because I made it that way.

Still running from God, Samantha would constantly ask if we could go to church. I didn’t want to be considered a hypocrite by partying on Saturday night and sitting in church on Sunday so I would not take her. I didn’t realize at that time that church was like a hospital; I needed to go to be healed.  So you see, God was working on me then. I knew at that time I was living wrong; but I just wanted to do my own thing, when I wanted too, how I wanted too and look where that got me!

Join me next week as the story continues.

Please keep me in prayer as I continue this story as it will get extremely difficult to share. May God receive the glory for He makes beauty from ashes.

When God calls you to it; He will make a way!

Much Love To You All,

Donna

 

Hell For My Daughter In The Changing Seasons of My Life -Part 1

Just like the sun rises and sets at different times each day; with perhaps just a few seconds difference. Those few seconds of our time can make a world of difference and can affect  someone else or perhaps our own life. God has reminded me this week of the difference that time makes and that we have to slow down and  be patient with others. Showing a little (TLC) tender loving care, mercy, and grace; loving as Jesus did on this earth and as God grants to us every day is the only way to have a life. In my extremely busy schedule as a single mom; I really have to adhere to the voice of God and listen to my own daughter. As sometimes I just get too busy and need to slow down and be patient myself with her. I am not perfect but God is guiding and teaching me daily.

Seasons change, but here in North Carolina it seems we can experience all four seasons in one week. It is only February and just this week I have seen so many flowers and trees blooming; pollen and green grass. Just yesterday I went to the beach and it was overrun with people. Just as quickly as the seasons change so can our lives. Two seconds, two minutes that we take to pray for others or just listen to them or perhaps pray for our self can make a world of difference. A few seconds is all it takes to ask God to forgive us and to come into our lives, to make our request be known. Or simply just to show someone that we truly care.

On the way to work this week I saw a Bradford Pear tree laying on the ground. It had been blown over by the hurricane force winds back a few months ago. Although this tree had been blown over it was full of life; beautiful white flowers cover this tree. It’s the same way in life. When we get knocked down and discouraged and feel that we just want to give up and die; we can still keep blooming. God will give us a new wine and do a new thing in us; if we ask, trust and believe. Just a few seconds is all it takes but we must continually fellowship with God in prayer and in studying of His Word to grow and get out and stay out of that pit. I don’t know about you but I want to flourish and be used by God for His Glory! I so wish I could have realized all of this years ago then perhaps things would have been different for my precious daughter. But she is constantly reminding me that if I had not experienced all that I have; then I wouldn’t be able to help those that are going through now. She is truly my cheerleader.

Now my life story continues:

Moving to Potter’s Hill was to be a new beginning, a new life for Samantha and myself. We were away from the reminders of the past and closer to my family. However, life was very stressful, challenging and full of heartache for us both. I definitely wasn’t the mama I needed to be as I had so much anger inside.

I was dating a really great guy and we dated for two years before he broke it off with me. My actions, attitude and deceptiveness ran him away. He was the first person that actually had faith in me and encouraged me to accomplish something in my life. I sang with him in a band;  well I practiced more than I sang; but you get the picture. And he encouraged me when I left daycare to get my Property & Casualty Insurance license to work at the insurance office. Nothing but uplifting to me; but when I started to party more; constantly getting drunk things changed. He started going to church with his Dad and he didn’t want to stay over with me anymore. Our relationship drifted and that is when I started getting a little a crazy so to speak. It was then I had  caught the attention of another guy who lived down the road. It was convenient for him to visit; so I started hanging out with him some, just as friends. But I shouldn’t have done this; as it was not the right thing to do.

Dealing with the extreme anxiety of loosing people all my life and the difficult relationships that I had endured; I started having anxiety/panic attacks when things started going awry.  With these attacks I would go to the hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack. Well you remember I told you before that I had hissy fits as a child. Well those hissy fits followed me into adulthood. Only my screaming, crying and kicking turned into yelling, crying and chest pains along with not being able to breathe. I soon realized that these attacks allowed others to focus on me; therefore giving me the attention that I so desperately wanted. What a self-centered and self-seeking control tactic that was! Selfish me!! I didn’t see this at that time; but I do now.

Unfortunately, this attention seeking tactic was a form of controlling and manipulating others into staying in my life! And after a while it didn’t work. I think he wanted to get his life right with God and I wanted no part of it; or perhaps he was just so tired of my craziness that he couldn’t handle anymore. Quite frankly; I do not blame him as I would have dumped me too!  So when we split I became extremely angry and became even more of a drunk.

Poor Samantha, stuck with a mama who is angry at the world and doesn’t see a brighter future insight. Samantha was in 1st grade when I realized she was struggling in school. For the life of me, I could not understand why this child could not get it! I mean really! I was a Beta Club student and she was failing! ? How could this be!

She had struggled and been behind with everything since she was just an infant. My anger was deep and unfortunately my beautiful daughter is the one who caught the brunt of my anger. I remember yelling at her for not being able to understand her school work; asking her was she stupid and saying what is wrong with you! Oh, how I wish I could take all those heartless words and comments back! I hurt my child most by my words  more so than by any other means. I did spank her and sometimes out of anger. Just as I had told you in an earlier story; it got to the point I had to start counting to 5 to cool down so I wasn’t so rough on her. Sometimes I was fearful that I was really going to hurt her; but I realize now I did! My actions, attitudes and harshness to my child hurt her more than anything. Instead of being the loving mommy that she needed; I remember being harsh sounding and full of anger.

As my drinking increased; I found new friends to hang out with through my neighbor. We all  started going out to clubs and hanging out in Potters Hill on occasion and drinking. However this only happened when Samantha was with her daddy or at my parents; as I never left her alone. But I had been falsely accused and turned into DSS when I was dating the guy from my uncles band; stating that I was leaving her (at the age of 5) alone at night to sing. Boy did that ever scare the daylight out of me. I was panicking out of fear they were going to take my child away from me!

You would think with all the stuff I had gone through I would finally get it together. I wanted so much to give Samantha a good life; I just didn’t know how. When the whole time the answer was in her heart and in her mouth…. Mommy take me to church!

Psalm 25:12-21New International Version (NIV)

12 Who, then, are those who fear the Lord?
    He will instruct them in the ways they should choose.[a]
13 They will spend their days in prosperity,
    and their descendants will inherit the land.
14 The Lord confides in those who fear him;
    he makes his covenant known to them.
15 My eyes are ever on the Lord,
    for only he will release my feet from the snare.

16 Turn to me and be gracious to me,
    for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 Relieve the troubles of my heart
    and free me from my anguish.
18 Look on my affliction and my distress
    and take away all my sins.
19 See how numerous are my enemies
    and how fiercely they hate me!

20 Guard my life and rescue me;
    do not let me be put to shame,
    for I take refuge in you.
21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,
    because my hope, Lord,[b] is in you.

Just as the seasons are so quickly to change and in just a few seconds a life can change for ever; our life can change for the better if we just allow God to be in control. Samantha’s life and others that I have encountered along the way have been affected by my 2 seconds, 2 minutes, or even 2 years. Although my earlier years were so full of negativity and I’m still growing with Christ; I pray that my future be even brighter and the only effect that I have on your life is positivity!  May God use my ugly ashes to bring glory to Him as you see what a difference He can make in one woman’s life. I am not perfect; but I know the perfect one!

Take 2 seconds, 2 minutes, 2 days and make a difference in someone else’s life! It could mean the difference between life or death!

Thank you for all of your support my dear friend when you encouraged me to sing and to get my insurance license. You made a huge difference in my life and I didn’t realize it at that time. Thank you for everything you did for Samantha and myself. Please forgive me!

Join me next week as I continue this blog for God.

Much Love to You All !

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I’m a Depressed Mommy……Now What!!

Just as most of my  life seems to have been; this week has been a very emotional one. Life sometimes throws you curve-balls that you are totally not expecting. On the way to work Tuesday morning God gave me a message. He told me that we have spam in our lives just like we do in our inbox and it is meant to occupy our time and destroy us! Just like we try so hard to protect our computer from viruses that are attached to spam email; we must also protect ourselves from the spam and viruses that satan sends our way. His spam is anything to catch our attention; to entice us and to worm his way into our life to get us off course with our walk with God. Pastor Jim once stated in a sermon that everything that glitters ain’t gold! We must be careful what we allow to occupy our time. If temptation is knocking; let Jesus get the door! As I stated last week the church sign read “Happy New Year! God’s Best is Right Before You!” Don’t settle for less than God’s best; keep focused and clean out the spam!

1 Peter 5:8 – Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

Now to continue the story, my beautiful baby girl was born and is now getting ready to come home to a mama who has been severely depressed and on medication.

It was August 12, 1993 the day we got to bring our beautiful miracle baby home. Oh how extremely excited we were! Of course we had her nursery decorated so beautifully and her room next to ours. Our lives were perfect; so I thought. But the truth was I had no idea what to do with that sweet precious girl. We had visitors occasionally; but when it came down to everything it was all on me.  Her daddy was at work most of the time; therefore day and night I took care of her.

It was difficult for me as postpartum depression kicked in high gear and Samantha was very sick. Trying to be wife, mom, cook, maid, etc… took its toll on me! She cried most of the time and I did too. I felt like I was loosing my mind.

She had severe reflux but before we found out what was going on she was constantly throwing up.  I remember one night I had her in her crib and when I went to check on her she had stopped breathing for a bit. Talking about being terrified I was! Especially after loosing her twin and almost loosing her during birth! From that night on every time she was asleep I would constantly check on her to make sure she was breathing and hadn’t thrown up. Even during the night when I woke I had to check on her and believe me I didn’t get much sleep. Oh I loved being home with her but I so needed some sleep and help.

Once the doctors determined she had severe reflux she was put on medication. It had to be given to her one hour before eating/drinking her bottle. Then she had to sit upright to be fed; then continue sitting upright for an hour after she ate. This was very time consuming and no way that a daycare center could handle it. Therefore, the decision was made that I would resign from my job to stay home and care for her. I was excited as this is every mother’s dream to stay home with their baby. However, I didn’t like the circumstances in which I was having to do this. But God had given me a precious gift and I wanted to make sure she was going to be ok.

Mama’s always think they can do better than anyone else, so I didn’t get much relief.  I was afraid to let her stay anywhere; including with my parents. The one time they did watch her, my mama was scared because Samantha was throwing up so bad and constantly crying.

This constant crying, my depression and not getting enough sleep was getting the best of me. I became very moody and angry and now on top everything else we have to move. Samantha is three months old , no money saved up and we have to find somewhere to stay as the house we are in was being sold. Talking about short notice! So in a search for a place to live; we ended up with an older single-wide mobile home and set it up in Pin Hook, NC. So with a five month old baby we are moving from a comfortable brick home in Pink Hill to the single-wide in Pin Hook.

Everything was different and it was so cold during the move. But we were now close to Timmy’s family which worked out great because our nieces and Grandpa LK came to visit a lot. I had company and help with Samantha on occasion, life was getting better for me. Grandpa and the girls have not a clue as to how much they helped me. The attention and time they gave to Samantha was immeasurable; they absolutely adored her! However, being in Pin Hook was too much temptation for Timmy. He was back around his old stomping grounds and friends; headed down a very rocky road. So just when I thought things were going to get better; they got worse!

Girls, I want you to know that disobedience brings on very much heartache. Pain that we can totally avoid if we will only listen and obey the voice of God! This week I have been reminded several times of Psalm 46:10 “Be Still and Know that I am God”. Don’t be in a rush to have someone in your life that you miss out on the man God has handpicked for you! There is nothing in this world that can compare to the gift of God and the gifts he has for us. Someone posted this week on facebook and the post hit me spiritually and got me thinking. Why would be settle for bologna when we can have steak? Good question! Wait on God’s best; don’t settle we are too valuable! I know the promises of my future and my future husband that God has made to me. And I know that they are getting ready to come into fruition! Praise His Holy Name!!!

There is light at the end of the tunnel; but without light inside that tunnel it is very dark. The days to come in this story are going to get extremely dark. My prayer is that God uses everything I share to help someone. Pray for me because it is going to get extremely difficult for me to share. God can take a tragedy and create something beautiful as He makes beauty from ashes!

Join me next week as the road gets rockier!

God Loves You & So Do I….   Be Blessed!

Ignorance Is Bliss – Blessings and Cursings (Part 2)

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Driving to work this week I saw a church sign that read “Happy New Year! God’s Best is Right Before You!” This got me to thinking about my past and my future. He has given me so many visions that I am busting at the seams; so to speak, with joy and anticipation as his plan unfolds in my life. I may have had a life full of difficulties but my past doesn’t define who I am. God chose me and I am so ever thankful for His mercy and grace and the opportunity to serve Him!

So many times we can’t seem to let the past go. For some reason we hang on to the familiar. Perhaps we are afraid to step out of what we are most comfortable with, regardless of how terrible the circumstances. To get something we’ve never had, we have to do something that we have never done. As long as we continue to accept the wrong in our life; things will never change! Change takes courage to do the right thing and to take that first step!

I have never been a leader in my life, I was too afraid. As a very timid little girl who accepted everything as it was thrown at her; I never imagined God could use me! Who am I kidding, I never thought God would ever give me another chance after all the years of disobedience and running!

When I ended the story last week I told you about the miscarriage of one of my twins. And I stated that we speak life and death with every word that proceeds out of our mouth. Thank God I was still carrying one of my babies! At this time I was approximately six weeks along in my pregnancy. I was relieved that I was still pregnant but sad that I had lost one. This day started the beginning of a difficult pregnancy and life as I had hoped.

As time went on it seemed I stayed sick to the point we were unable to cook food in the house; I couldn’t stand the smell of it. And every sickness and virus that passed by I caught it and it seemed that I lived at the doctors office and drugstore. With a due date of September 4th and one complication after another; I was forced to take early leave from work and put on bed rest three months before the due date. My baby was trying to come too early.

Bed rest would have been great except with Timmy going to work and me having no company I felt so isolated from the world. I became extremely depressed and was put on medication for the depression. His drug use and still wanting to party became a huge ordeal as he would leave to go out to the nightclub or with his friends for a drug night. Many days I was alone and many nights too. I remember crying and begging him to stay home at night with me.

One particular night I felt like I was at the end of my rope. He came in from work got ready to go to Good Time Charlies (a local bar). Desperate for him to stay home I was holding on to him around his legs as he was trying to get out the door. Crying and begging him to please stay home because I was tired of being home alone, he commented that it was my fault that I couldn’t get out. I told him it wasn’t that I couldn’t help being sick. I have never been able to forgot the words he said to me. He said, “You are the one that wanted a damn baby, not me”! Oh how that hurt me deeply! Now I realize it was just the drugs and alcohol talking but back then I was devastated. He was an awesome man when he was sober.

Loving this man with all my heart; regardless  of the circumstances I was determined we were going to have a sweet little family and live happily ever after. I had many days of sickness, loneliness and depression but I carried on. But on the morning of August 4th, 1993 I awoke to bleeding. Oh I was terrified because it looked just like it did when I had miscarried before!  My thoughts were I am loosing my baby!

I had prayed after hearing about one of my friends loosing her baby at birth due to the umbilical cord getting caught around its neck and cutting off the oxygen. I wasn’t living for God but I prayed that this would not happen to my baby. And that if any complications arise and the cord get wrapped that my baby would be born and live. After seeing the blood and the clot, I ran to the door to stop Timmy from going to work; then called my doctor. I was asked to go into the office for them to check me. However, once there and on the table, my water broke! I was sent to the hospital .

A miracle is about to take place as God saved my babies life and she is 23 years old today! After I was at the hospital they immediately put me into a birthing room and my baby decided she was ready to enter this world before the doctor got ready. He rushed to get ready and during the delivery, difficulties arose. There wasn’t enough room for her to be birth; therefore causing havoc on my body. Then the doctor realized the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck. He so wished he had of done a C-section after it was all over as she came out purple and not breathing; however they didn’t tell me. All I knew was I wasn’t able to hold her and they whisked her away quickly and immediately started working on her. After that the next thing I remember is waking up to an empty room and wondering what was going on.

Shortly after waking, Timmy walked into the room and when I asked about my baby he told me we have a girl and he gave me the details of what was going on. As the nurse came to take me to my room she pushed me by the nursery. My first actual view of my baby was of her in the NICU with a team of doctors and nurses surrounding her. From the window only could I glance her; I felt so cheated as I had learned in Lamaze classes that a mom gets to hold the newborn right after birth. Regardless of how I felt; I was so thankful she was alive. After being put in my room, they came around to tell me she had to be sent to Pitt Memorial Hospital as her lungs were not developed and she was also jaundiced. After several hours they brought her by my room so I could see her; but I couldn’t touch her as she was inside of an incubator. I so wanted to hold her; she was beautiful!

Learning of her difficulties to live; I determined she was a fighter therefore instead of Courtney Love her name became Samantha Jo. But since delivery was not by textbook; her card on her incubator read “Baby Girl H.”. I told her dad, go to Greenville and be with our girl. Make sure no one takes our baby and watch out for her. He did and he fell totally in love with that little girl.

She was the largest of the preemies in the nursery. My doctor knowing exactly where I was going upon discharge; kept me in the hospital extra days. So Samantha was in Greenville from Wednesday night until Saturday afternoon before I ever got to hold her! She had not been doing well and it didn’t look good for her.  But as soon as I held her the first time and talked to her; she immediately started improving! One look and she stole my heart and I finally realized what love was.

On Monday, they transferred her back to Lenoir Memorial. This was great as it was closer to home. I drove myself to the hospital for three days to sit in the nursery just hold her and feed her. I couldn’t wait to get her home!  Little did I realize just how sick she was and that I soon would be quitting my job entirely to care for her. Remember, I was severely depressed and on medication before her birth and now I am going to be home 24/7.

Life without God is no life! You see as I have said in earlier post; our choices determine our future. I may have lost several babies; but God honored my prayer and allowed Samantha to be born at the first sign of trouble and gave her life. He gave to me as I had asked, one blonde curly haired little girl and allowed her to live. Yes her hair was dark and straight at birth; but soon turned blonde and curly. God is in the miracle making business and my beautiful daughter is one of them. He had a plan from the start to use this baby to change my life but not before many years of darkness because I was on the run.

1 John 5:14-15- Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hear us. And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him.

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Join me next week as my world is rocked upside down trying to keep it all together!

God Loves You and So Do I!

Much Love to You!

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Ignorance Is Bliss- Blessings and Cursings (Part 1)

20161229_091917I trust that you have had an amazing Christmas and New Year’s Eve! May God Bless you all with super-natural increase in every area of your life as you start 2017. The year 2017 is going to be amazing with God as my pilot!

Know God, Know Peace! No God, No Peace!

Revelation 12:11{And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.}

As I continue to blog for God, just know that this is not easy for me! I am no writer and it’s difficult telling the world about my past. But this whole blog is to show what God can do in the lives of people and to bring Him Glory!  I am not perfect; but praise God I am not who I use to be!

Three weeks ago in “Hidden Dangers of Spitefulness (part 2)” I ended with telling you I had met someone new (Timmy) after leaving the guy who had raped me and had over-dosed (Tim). However, the new guy (Timmy) became my drinking buddy. Remember, ignorant  me wants so badly to think that any attention is love that I chose to ignore his drug problem. Out of the frying pan and into the fire, leaving one Tim for another with the same problem!  What was I thinking!! The same first name too!

As I thought that my love for Timmy would change him and he would stop using; I jumped in headfirst into a relationship and marriage that gave me the greatest blessing here on earth; but not without much cost! My anger, bitterness and hatred only increased as time went on.

Leaving Hubert was the best idea that I had in a long time; but hanging out in Beulaville may not have been the smartest. My past, my memories, and my reputation was all there and I ran right smack back into the lies of the enemy. Just hanging out with friends sitting in front of the old laundromat as the youth cruised up and down main street; we saw this really handsome guy driving an old pickup truck. My friends and I all thought he was something else. I hung out a little later hoping he would stop to talk to me. Guess what? He did!

After talking for a while we made plans to meet later that week to plan our first date. Wednesday came and we met and was trying to choose a movie to go see. However when I  was indecisive he became angry and threw the newspaper containing the movie info out the car window. This was a red flag for me and  I wasn’t going to go out with him. However, my mom told me I was going because I had told him that I would go. She didn’t know about the newspaper ordeal and wanted me to keep my word.

The night came for our date, he arrived and met my parents and off we went. I don’t remember much about that night but I do remember we continued to see each other. My drinking increased again and we were drinking together. We both loved the beach and many  days we just sat and drank. I don’t how we got home most of the time; only God is all I can say!

He was living with his dad when I met him and this is where I realized he was using drugs, heavier drugs than the last guy. Walking outside to check on him one day; I walked upon a sight I never had expected to see! I was truly shocked and I do not know why I stayed in this relationship. Perhaps my loneliness and thinking that I was unworthy of more in my life is what kept me bound. I so wanted someone to love me and to get out of my parents home. I chose to ignore the drug use, heavy drinking and the disrespectful behavior because when he was sober you couldn’t ask for a better man. Another red flag that I chose to ignore was he had two kids that he hadn’t seen in years and didn’t even know where they were. But still I thought my love could change him.

We found a place together and things didn’t go so well. I was insulted and ridiculed for not wanting to take part in more of his activities. I drank but I didn’t want to do more; there was always something keeping me from pursuing drugs. I know now that it was God!

After living together for two years; we decided to get married. His drug use had decreased and I thought things would be great as I thought perhaps he was on the road to a clean life. My ignorance — as we only can see what we want to see! They say love is blind and I guess in this case it was. I truly loved him with all my heart.

Being married in April; I got pregnant in October and was so excited! But when I awoke one morning in November I was having a miscarriage once again. My heart was breaking as I wanted a baby so badly! I have since learned be careful with what I say because we speak things into existence!  (Proverbs 18:21) This devastated me and I cried out and said “God, all I want is one blonde, curly haired little girl can I please have that”!? After having the abortion at 17 years old and now this second miscarriage I was thinking that I would never be able to have a child.

In December I once again was pregnant but in January, again I awoke to a miscarriage! But thank God this time I already had an OBGYN in whom I called. He told me to go straight to the hospital. They did an ultra sound and the doctor said there is your baby; everything looks good. When I asked what had happened she said it had been twins and I lost one.  My words cost me; for out of our mouth we speak life or death.

Death of another baby but thank God I was still carrying one! However, extreme difficulties within life, marriage and my pregnancy are just ahead! Join me next week when this story continues with much more destruction before life!

Our joy and happiness isn’t found in another person. Our joy is from the Lord and our happiness comes from within ourself. You see I went through so much devastation in life simply waiting on someone else to become who I wanted them to be. But the reality is I am the one that needed to change in order to truly have the peace, joy and love I so desired! Running from God and pursuing everything but Him; cost me tremendously. I have had many Blessings in life but I know that I stopped many due to my disobedience to God. Girls, pursue God and He will give us the desires of our heart!

Happy New Year & know that God Loves You and So Do I!

Hidden Dangers of Spitefulness {part 2}

61994_160165964009716_5897623_nThis has been an extremely tough week for me spiritually with satan fighting hard. But God has placed prayer warriors that are lifting me up as I continue this testimony. Thank you as you know who you are!

When I ended last Sunday’s post,  at the age of 22 I found myself pregnant from  the rape and feeling completely trapped. Playing over and over in my head were the words from my ex-husband (yes now divorced) and my ex-boyfriend, “No one will ever want you as you are worthless” and “I don’t love you, never have and never will”. All I could think about was I was damaged goods and they were absolutely right; no one will ever want me! I mean my best friends in elementary school didn’t even want me so why would anyone else!

By this time my depression, anxiety, fear and anger had only increased as I felt dirty and ashamed.  I felt so alone! Not having a job and not wanting to tell my parents that I was raped; I did whatever I could to appease him. But the violence only increased as his partying only increased with more and different drugs. I was tired of it, so when he was at work one day I left and I went back home to my parents once again.

He held true to his threat as he over-dosed on pills and almost died. His grandmother called and told me what had happened. He had written a suicide note stating I was the reason he was doing this because I had left. I felt guilty so I returned to him. That was really not smart of me! Once he had recovered he decided one night to get really high. And when he did, I then was being thrown around like a ball as I couldn’t  get away from him because he had me trapped in the bedroom! I ended up with bruises over my entire body; thankfully no broken bones.  He was extremely strong, but when he was high on the drugs he was stronger. Unfortunately it was during this attack that I was hurt so bad that I miscarried and lost the baby. My feelings were from one extreme to another. I was relieved that  I didn’t have to carry his baby because it was from a rape; but extremely sad and depressed because I had lost my baby. At this point I was wondering if I would ever be able to  have a child. After this I left for good, even leaving my things behind. I was afraid of him!

With everything that I had gone through from the time I was 15 until now at the age of 23 I was very emotional and extremely angry!  I truly wanted to be loved, have a husband and kids; I so desired a loving family. But I was going about it the wrong way! Unfortunately I wanted to have someone so bad that I never took time to heal in between relationships. Like most people, I thought I could heal faster and be just fine if I had someone new. Still thinking that if someone pays attention to me then it must be love; poor naïve me.

My drinking started again but this time I met someone who I could drink with. He had a drug problem also but I chose to ignore it because I thought I could change him with my love. My ignorant, hateful, self-centered and reckless behavior was about to send me on a journey that has changed my life. Not only giving me my baby girl but causing destruction to not only my life; but others whom I love.

Girls, don’t ever feel like you are not worthy of true love. As I told you last week; never place yourself on the clearance rack. You are priceless! But please don’t jump from one relationship into another. When your heart loves someone; it takes time to heal and if you can jump right into the arms of someone new; then it wasn’t true love the begin with. Before you give your heart away; make sure he is deserving of it and will treasure it. I discovered with my own reckless behavior that every time I slept with someone new; that I felt even more undeserving of that true love I so desperately wanted!

True Love Will Wait — Sure wish I had realized this sooner!

1 Corinthians 13:4-7–Love is patient and kind, love does not envy or boast; It is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

Hebrews 13:4 –Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

I can’t change my past but I can change my future and it’s looking extremely amazing! God creates beauty from our ashes!

Join me next week as I blog for God sharing my testimony. But as I have said, it’s going to get worse before it gets better. So hold on for this ride and keep me in your prayers.

God loves you all and So do I!

Much Peace & Joy I wish to you!

Hidden Dangers of Spitefulness- My I’ll Teach Him Backfired Into Pain and Brokenness (part 1)

311523_509306159095693_460516527_n-1Pastor Jim recently preached a sermon about the battle, the prodigal son. This hit home and got me to thinking; he said that honesty is the road back home. It takes a strong man or woman to take responsibility and stop blaming others.

Integrity of Heart:

Genesis 20:1-6

Luke 15:11-21

1. We must be honest with ourself.

2. We must be honest with others.

3. We must be honest with God.

Until we can do all three of these; we will stay right where we are!

James 5: 16-17

Well, all my life it was always someone else’s fault; or so I said. But the truth is I never had anyone to blame but myself. I say this because I had choices, I just chose to make the wrong ones. My rotten attitude about myself and always feeling less than, was where it all stemmed from. The truth is I was valuable and worth much more than I could see. I had placed myself on the clearance rack instead! Unfortunately; it has taken me until the age of 50 to finally realize all of this. God is definitely allowing healing to flow as He uses my testimony for His Glory.

When I ended last week I had been heart-broken and I was gonna show him (my Richlands guy). Well the truth is; he could have cared less. But what happened in the mist of my spitefulness was more devastation in my life.

Knowing that he would be in the club that next weekend; I planned to go and make him jealous. Well I went, I got drunk and I met a guy who was having a birthday party. He was all so ever cute but needed a ride home. I let him drive my car because of my drunken state, with no regard to his drunkenness then to find out he had lost his license due to driving while impaired! Yikes… red flags!! But did I run oh no, that would have been the correct choice!

Always thinking that I needed a man in my life; I kept seeing him because he seemed really interested in me. Well the destruction is about to break loose.  I moved in with him then I quit my really good job in Kinston to find work closer because I was now living in Hubert. What I couldn’t see yet was his addiction to alcohol and drugs. After I quit my job and moved in, his true colors started coming out. I was once again in an abusive relationship where I was terrified to leave. No job and nowhere to go!

Before his abusive behavior surfaced, we loved to go dancing at Chevy’s nightclub in Atlantic Beach. Many nights we went and had a blast but things changed one night when he was too drunk to wake him in the car. Not knowing what else to do, I wrapped him with a quilt and left him, then I went inside to bed. Let me tell you, there was hell to pay for that! When he awoke and came inside; I found myself waking up after being picked up and thrown into the wall. I wish I could tell you that after that I left and stayed gone, but I can’t. I did leave the next day and went to my parents to stay. But he found me and drove up after stealing his sisters car, to beg me to come back and promising to change. Thinking he must really love me I went back. Bad choice on my part!

Things went good for a little while, but was short-lived. He started drinking more and smoking marijuana. He was high more than not and had become violent and had threatened that he would kill me or himself if I ever left again. I became his punching bag and was extremely afraid. He started going out with his friends to a local bar. Drunk one night and no way home, he called me and I refused to go get him. Oh bad mistake!! I was awakened again but I didn’t meet the wall this time. He had ripped my night clothing off and forced himself into me. I tried to get him off of me and tried to get up, but I could not move. I could not believe what had happened!!!

This rape left me pregnant as I found out after going to the doctor to be put on birth control. Whew, that was a lot to take in. Now I really felt trapped and felt like I couldn’t leave. The pregnancy didn’t stop him with his abusiveness as he continued to use me as a punching bag and a wall ornament on occasion. Now my self-esteem is really shot by now!

The picture with this post was taken at the age of 22 during this relationship. I was extremely depressed and definitely had myself on the clearance rack. Girls, know your worth and never allow anyone to deflate your value! As a daughter of the One True King; You are priceless and you are loved!

Join me next week as this story continues..

My prayer is that through my obedience to share my life story with you; that you will never have to endure the pain and hardships that I have. This is all very difficult to share but God makes beauty from ashes.

Remember God Loves You and So Do I !

My Know It All Years and Reaping What I Sow

20161125_110833A few weeks ago I shared a very private and personal part of my life with you. It seemed very hard at the time; but after I shared it there was such relief. I didn’t have to hide it anymore and through my obedience to God, He allowed me to become transparent. I did get some strange looks that week following that particular post and wasn’t sure then if I could share anymore of me with you. But God has shown me that I am strong and with Him I can do anything. He has also shown me that through this blog many will be delivered and set free from chains of bondage. You see we aren’t perfect; as there was only one perfect one and He died so that we can live! If we don’t share our testimony and allow others to see what God can do; we are doing an injustice to others, ourselves and to God!

The story continues:

As you now know at 17 years of age I was pregnant and due to fear I allowed that sweet baby to be aborted. But what you don’t know is the anger, the hatred, the rage, the rotten attitude that I had toward my sweet Mama. Having been rejected by my best friends earlier in life, the anger and bitterness only increased. I was that rebellious 17 year old who thought I knew everything there was to know. My Mama would make me so mad because she wouldn’t let me do what I wanted to do. I mean everyone else was going places and doing things but she wouldn’t allow it. I got so mad at her that I yelled and screamed “I hate you”! To this day those words ring in my ears; oh how it hurt my Mama! She never deserved that! Not one day has gone by that I don’t think about how badly I hurt her and how I wish I could take those words back! Unfortunately, when it’s said it’s too late. I know the pain that comes from negative and hurtful comments but for some reason I had started becoming what I had always hated.

If I had of never walked away from God and had listened to my Mama; I would have never had to endure the pain of an abortion or the pain of the abuse. She was only trying to look out for my best interest; but I couldn’t see that then. I had lied so much to her when I was between the ages of 15 to 19 just so I could be able to do and go as I wanted. Now it didn’t always work out for me; but enough that I was defiant and totally reckless in my behavior. It was during these years that I started smoking and drinking, not just wine coolers and beer, but liquor {Jack Daniels} straight from the bottle without a chaser. I also tried marijuana, became sexually active, started cussing (whew my language) I was using F bombs, GD words, etc., until this time I had never even said the word damn. Just thinking about my language that I had is embarrassing! Sad part is on top of all this behavior I had that deep-rooted anger and during my unwanted marriage I had to learn to fight to defend myself. We definitely reap what we sow!!!

Galatians 6:7-8 {NIV}Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit from the Spirit will reap eternal life.

So now you can see a little more as to why I didn’t want to go my mom and tell her I was pregnant. She did all she could with my hateful, disrespectful and bitter self. I had become a person I never wanted to be but it only got worse, until God!

Even though I was away from my husband, he still continued to follow me and caused havoc in my life when his new girlfriend didn’t want him around. After I finally got a place of my own; he broke into my apartment which was in the top part of a house on main street in Beulaville. During this unwelcome visit; he not only beat me but tampered with my car so it would not start. The next morning I called for help from the payphone up the street. Then was taken to Kenansville to press assault charges; boy that was tough,because as soon as he was served the papers he found me. This time he sprang my right arm pretty bad; but thank God that his brother jumped in before he hurt me further.

My nerves were so shot and I started depending on alcohol and men to help me forget what was happening in my life. It had gotten to a point where I was staying out late drinking every night and going to work drunk in the mornings. No logical reason I am even alive as I don’t remember driving most of the time. I went from a size 13 to a size 2/3 in one months time. Mind you at this time I’m still believing that I am not good enough and that no one will ever want or love me. So I set out to find love anyway I could but I still felt so empty and alone. The alcohol and men were only short-lived fixes to hide the pain.

I became the girl at the age of 21 who contributed to underage drinking. I would buy the liquor and we would all ride around drinking. One night I had the cooler of PJ in my Ford Pinto and had to use the restroom.  However back then if we drank we didn’t go near the store as that’s where the cops hung out. We would go down to a local tobacco barn to relieve ourselves; however this particular night I passed out in my car at the barn and was awakened to the sunrise the next morning. I didn’t even remember driving there!

After this I started going out to clubs and hanging out in Richlands. This is where I met a guy that I was so totally in love with or so I thought. In a hurry for love and not to be alone I moved in with him and his mom for about a year. This took place after his mom fell and broke her arm. I loved him to pieces but he wasn’t faithful to me. Then one day he completely shattered my heart when he looked at me and said “I don’t love you, never have, and I never will”! I was completely devastated!! I found out that he had been seeing someone else the entire time that I had been staying with him. So after this, I thought I would fix him! But what really happened was more complete and utter destruction in my own life!

You see we definitely can’t make anyone love us and when we think we can, it’s usually not a good sign. If someone loves you they will show you and with respect. Girls don’t go chasing after love, allow God to bring him to you. You see I am not perfect, but my heart is to obey God and prayerfully help someone. My desire is for neither of you to ever experience the pain and devastation that I have endured. As the old saying goes things get worse before they get better; hang on for what’s ahead. This is truly going to be extremely difficult for me!

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 {NIV} Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

1 John 2:15-17 {NIV}Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world – the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of  life- comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.

Join me next week as the journey to true love continues.

God loves you and So Do I!