Just a test.
This was written on Sunday, February 4th as God has impressed upon my heart. It’s amazing how He speaks to us; if we will only take the time to listen. He is definitely a life changer and I owe my entire being to Him!
It’s an incredible feeling of hope that overwhelms me when I think of God’s love for me! As I stand at the alter during praise and worship this morning my hands are lifted to Heaven and my voice singing to God, while tears stream down my face; I remember what He has done for me. The words of the song were “You deserve it, My Halleluiah belongs to you, You Deserve It”! Once a cold and bitter woman; Gods love took a cold stony heart and changed it into one of deep love. God’s grace, love and mercy for me is relentless as is mine for Him as I pursue Him more than anything or anyone. I pray that His will be done in every area of my life!
***Ezekiel 36:26 (NLT) Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you, and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.
My birthday was yesterday and when I looked on Facebook there was an overwhelming amount of likes, loves, happy birthdays and other comments showing their love to me. I was in tears last night just thinking about the outpouring of love shown to me. I have never had this many happy birthday wishes in my life. There are so many that I haven’t had the opportunity to thank each precious friend!
I made a post on Facebook about feeling so much love with so many responding on my page for my birthday. And one of my friends stated that it is so easy to love someone who is so loving. Her kind words really made me think because I know how I use to be. But praise God for He has changed me and given me the heart that I now possess. One of tenderness, love, mercy and no longer selfish but caring of others and lifting them up. I am still human; not perfect and my heart breaks at times; however the deep down love I have for others now is totally opposite of where I once was.
I am so thankful for Gods work within me .Pastor Jim stated in service today that Jesus became poor so I can be enriched by the Rhema Word of God. And you can’t be enriched if you give up!
***2 Corinthians 8:9 (AMP) For you are recognizing (more clearly) the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ (His astonishing kindness, His generosity, His gracious favor), that through He was rich, yet for your sake He became poor, so that by His poverty you might become rich (abundantly blessed).
So in closing, I encourage you to keep on seeking God; seek Him first and everything else will be added to you. If you need peace, joy and a change in life…I know the way maker. Fall to your knees, look up to Heaven and talk to the Father today! He changed my heart and life and will do the same for you; we just need to be submissive as he molds, shapes and prunes us!
***Matthew 6:33 (NLT) Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
To God Be All the Glory, Honor & Praise!
Remember, God Loves You & So Do I
I pray that you all realize how difficult it is to be real with you and tell you about my ugliness. But God has let me know that through it all; many lives will be changed and that is why He asked me to start writing in the beginning. It is all for His Glory; it is nothing that I have done for I am so unworthy, but He loves me!
It is simply amazing how God tries to get our attention and tell us to prepare for storms; whether they are physical or spiritual. But unfortunately, in our busyness we fail to take even 10% each day and devote to God. There is fullness of joy and calmness in the presence of the Lord. But in order to experience this and to finish strong we have to start with a strong foundation. And to have this we must be grounded in the Word. The enemy is out to kill, steal and destroy and will do anything to knock us off our foundation; especially when he knows that God has a huge plan to use us for His kingdom.
Driving to work last Tuesday I was praying and asking God to please watch over us as the forecast was for ice and snow to hit our area on Wednesday. I was worried about my heater going out in my home because it had a hard time with the temps being so low the night before. The temperature was dropping as my unit ran; it was just simply too cold. I have gas logs but I was wondering how long my 100 lbs. LP bottle would last if the power were to go out. Millions of thoughts were invading my mind, but when I arrived at school it was cloudy and very cold. It was a bone chilling 15 degrees and it felt like 7 degrees. But as I walked up the breezeway, after praying at the flag pole; I heard a bird. It appeared to be extremely happy as it was singing. I thought wow, if that little bird can be this happy with it being this cold outside then we too should be happy through all of our trials.
God provides for the birds regardless of the weather and He will always provide for us. All of our needs will be met! But we become fleshly and fail to remember this, like I did. God was letting me know that He had this and that I had no need to worry. My heater had an extremely hard time keeping up but thanks to God and a small electric heater along with the unit; and using my gas logs part of the time, we have made it through. He kept our electricity on! Praise Him forever more!
Being so focused on the physical storm I was blind sided of the spiritual storm that was headed my way. And it’s the small foxes that spoil the vines! What I should have taken as a wonderful opportunity to dig deeper into Gods Word, in prayer, to write or even just have fun with my daughter turned into cabin fever and everything getting on my nerves. I was off of my daily routine of praying first, then getting into the Word, etc.. Not spending that time with God first thing in the morning was a devastating choice.
God tells us to be angry but sin not! (Ephesians 4:26 – 32) In my transparency I have to admit I lost my cool! I know you are thinking but she says she’s a Christian and she lost her cool? But Christians are suppose to be perfect! Well I am here to tell you, we aren’t! Just because we are saved doesn’t mean we do not sin! There was only one perfect one and He died on the cross for you and me and His name is Jesus!
I lost my cool because I let my guard down and wasn’t in prayer or in the Word as I needed to be. Pastor Jim constantly tells us how vital it is to stay in the Word and in prayer, this is our lifeline. See God uses the Word and the preacher to tell us to get prepared for the storms in life, for they will come. We are to not only be hearers of the Word, but we are to be doers of it! However, within our fleshly self; we stay so occupied with the things of the world that we put God on a back burner. In my last post I stated that my flame for God had become low because I had not been spending time with God as I should. Being preoccupied by sickness in the family, work, etc..Well that slow fade will put you in a place where it’s hard to climb back up. And believe me trials will come whether it be a test to determine where we are in our walk or an attack from satan. Either way if you are not on your game, your feet will get knocked out from under you.
We like things neat and orderly in our home, but last week I had a hard time dealing with things being moved from where I put them or at least where I thought I had. I lost my cool with my kid thus blaming her for things she didn’t do but I thought she had. And after I did I was so angry with myself for doing so. Thoughts came rushing through that I can’t live this way being ill with her and angry. I have to be totally honest, thoughts came that she would be better off without me and I told her so. However, she wrapped her arms around me as I cried and she prayed over me. I once again, asked for forgiveness from her and God. I couldn’t believe that this had once again returned; but as I calmed down and thought about things, not spending quality time with God means I can’t become like Him. Living as the world lives; then I become as the world and give satan a foothold.
At 3:00 a.m., God woke me and I reached over for my phone to see the time. However, I looked into Facebook for a minute and what I saw was one of my boys threatening suicide. I knew right then that God woke me to reach out to him. I have since realized that the enemy was invading my thoughts earlier that day because he doesn’t want me to help others who are going through what I have overcome! I just have to keep satan under my feet and remind him that I have overcome the desire to take my life! We overcome by the Blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony!
In a church service on July 10, 2016 Kelly stated that there is a purpose for what we go through and that we shall come out better on the other side. Our perspective will be our prison or our passport! He said the devil doesn’t’ attack apathetic people; meaning those who are not doing anything to get close to God. My desire is to be close to God but I lost track of my way when I put the things of the world first. I have to remember who I am and to whom I belong. God asked me to start writing this blog for Him as a ministry to help others. Satan has tried everything possible to stop me from writing; even to the point of getting me side-tracked with many things when worry fell onto me about writing elsewhere. Pastor Jim stated in his message yesterday that if it is of God, then there is no pressure but if it seems overbearing; then we are not letting God do it. Mr. Joey said once that we can have good ideas; just the wrong timing. And believe me; I know this all too well as my thinking gets me into a lot of trouble! But God !!
This physical ice and snow storm that we have had is extremely cold; but I tell you our walk with God can become colder when we sin and do not deal with it, neglecting the Holy Spirit and the things of God such as prayer, the Word, church, etc.. One good thing about all of this is that you can’t grow too cold unless you tell God you are not returning! He is constantly and gently calling us to return home, trying to reach us before the storms of life consume us. Not once last Tuesday did I think about God trying to warn me of the spiritual storm that I was going to face because I was so focused on the natural. But it is in the supernatural realm that we must stand and be ready for battle, for satan is forevermore lurking around trying to throw us out of the game. 1 Peter 5:8 (MSG) says: “Keep a cool head. Stay alert, the devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping. Keep your guard up. You’re not the only ones plunged into these hard times. It’s the same with Christians all over the world. So keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won’t last forever. It won’t be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ –eternal and glorious plans they are!—will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word; yes, He does.”
Learning is a process and building a strong foundation in Christ will be time consuming and yes, we have to be different as God has called us to be so (Romans 12:2) I don’t know about you but I want to be completely obedient to Our Father regardless the cost because I want to see lives changed, addictions broken off, families and marriages restored and the prodigals to come home. Even if it means giving up my desires and dreams to do the work of my Father; then so be it for He knows better than I!
My prayer is that many of you will see you are not alone. I have heard so many say they don’t want to step foot into a church because the Christians of the church are living their life the same as the world. They see no difference in the churched and the unchurched! And this should not be so! Regardless of what you see; seek a relationship with God. For we work out our own salvation, we aren’t to follow another person but to follow God! The walk with God is not an easy road; but so well worth it….eternity is an extremely long time! We can have peace, joy and love like we have never experienced; but there is a price to pay. Remember satan is only attacking because we are valuable to God. Thieves don’t break into empty houses!
Although I have had many trials in my life; I brought most of it on myself with my decisions that I made without asking God first. I can’t stress the importance of a personal relationship with the Trinity (God the Father, the Son & the Holy Spirit). When I ran from God; my life became more devastating to a point that I no longer wanted to live. Satan would love nothing more than to put me there again; but God has another plan for my life!
So in closing, God wants us to remember just as the birds sing during those cold dark times; that is how we too get through the dark frigid storms in the supernatural realm. Use what is loose to shake off the shackles of what is bound. Our praise will break our chains, just like Paul and Silas; praying and singing hymns to God will shake the foundations of the prison that overtakes us and our chains will be broken! (Acts 16:16-40) He is so worthy to be praised.
If you are looking for a miracle; look in the mirror! You were created for greatness; never settle for less than Gods best! Praise your way through the storms and never compare yourself to another, as each persons walk is just that..their own. Keep digging into the fullness of God and all that He has for you. Don’t get side-tracked by the things of this world for they are temporary! Remember you are so loved!
To God Be All the Glory, Honor & Praise!
I love you, believe in you and call you blessed in Jesus Name!
Much Love to You,
Satan’s objective is to steal, kill and destroy. Gods Word brings life to our weary souls but in order for it to do so we must engage. Sitting idly by waiting and watching does no good. Life gets busy and things happen but if we want change, we must step out in faith with the full armor of God and fight the enemy. Spiritual warfare is real and it’s happening but if we just sit; we are going to die!
***John 10:10 ***Proverbs 3:1-35
Lately, I have been thinking about the life of Job. And since I started writing this blog for God there have been many things that have come against me. Doing something for God; the enemy will do any and everything to try and stop you. However, promotion comes through test and I know that perhaps these are test to see exactly where I am in my relationship with my Father. When I fail one; I know I am going to have to repeat it until I get it right. But praise God, when I pass a test; then I get to graduate to the next glory.
School started back in August and the first couple of months are always extremely busy; consuming extra hours that drain me. So I knew that I wouldn’t be able to write very much and I didn’t. However, in October I had all plans of getting back to writing for God. But on the anniversary of my first official post; my precious Mother received a diagnosis of cancer. Talking about rocking my world; this did and I am just now able to write again.
Reading last week in Ecclesiastes 9:1-6 a question was answered as a revelation came alive. We all question why it seems like the good die young while the evil still live. God revealed to me that he is giving them an opportunity to get their life right. He hopes that they might give their heart and accept him as their personal Savior.
Sitting and waiting while mama took her first chemo treatment; I was thinking about everything that has happened within the past year. Although we don’t understand why bad things happen; God always makes something good out of the bad. Looking on with the natural eye; it might seem crazy but we must trust God for He promises to never leave us or forsake us. And He is not a man that He would lie.
My heart breaks as I think about sweet little 3 year old Mariah who suffered at the hands of those who were to protect her. And when I think about the pain that she and the precious 5 year old Paitin endured; it makes me sick to my stomach. These children were innocent and didn’t deserve what they received. But I know that God will take this bad and create something good from it. We don’t always understand why things happen; but we must put our trust in God.
Last night in church, Brother Joe mentioned that bad things happen that we don’t understand. But we must remember that God always makes good out of a bad situation and to look for the positive, not the negative.
As my family has started this journey on the road to total healing and wholeness, God is in control. During this struggle my mother and I have become close again. Through all that we have faced together in the past few months; forgiveness, healing and reconciliation have taken place by God using something bad and making something great out of it. It feels amazing to know without a shadow of a doubt that I am truly loved. We have learned to say I love you for tomorrow is never promised. And to hear these words spoken to me is undescribable.
***Romans 8:28 -And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
My prayer today is that families remain or become close. Don’t wait for something to happen to bring you close. The most important things in life can’t be bought! Love comes from the heart! Show and tell your loved ones every chance you get that you love them. Give them hugs and kisses and pray together and for each other for we never know when our last breath may be. Don’t live with regrets or with the what ifs!
Revelations is being played out before our very eyes. We are in the last days as plagues, diseases, evil doings, and destruction are all around us and Jerusalem was named capital of Israel last week. God is giving us time right now to get our hearts right with him. He loves us so much and desires to fellowship with us for eternity. We were created to fellowship with Him and He wants us. Don’t keep running, He loves you!
***2 Chronicles 6:6
To God Be All The Glory, Honor & Praise!
As I sit and think about the past year; so much has happened. My life has completely changed from the way it use to be. My thoughts and my desires are so unlike what they had been all my life. I want no part of the old me; I so want to please God in everything that I do. They say we become a new creature once we submit to God; putting off the old and putting on the new. I have seen this in my own life; although still not perfect I have seen new desires and actions emerge.
Last September, God laid upon my heart to start writing a blog for Him and to share my life testimony. This definitely was not something that I wanted to do for fear of loosing my job and having everyone know how I’d been and having people talk about me! However, after confirmations and a nudge from God, I stepped out and trusted Him. When He asked me if I loved my job more than Him that was my deciding factor; I knew what I had to do. Difficult and time consuming it has been, but it has been so worth every tear that I have cried and every moment I spent while remembering and writing.
When I started writing I had no clue as to what a blog was. Much less how to set it up and write one. But God has guided me the entire way. I went from wanting to end my life in the spring/early summer of 2016 to writing a blog for God to help others. The title of this particular post is what my theme has been for this blog. I had hopes that sharing the darkest secrets of my life would help others. And it has not only helped others; but has helped me. Through my obedience of sharing everything that God has asked me to share; I have experienced so much healing and growth that I never thought could be possible. I have had a complete heart change within a year.
My first official post was published October 16, 2016 and it was titled “Once Upon a Time”. Sounds like I was getting ready to share a fairy tale; but unfortunately it wasn’t a fairy tale but was the truth. And although it hasn’t ended as my life is still going; it is a happily ever after story, once I got past all of the deep dark stuff. You see my true love walk has been just that. God has taken me to a place where I have finally seen, experienced and realize what true love is.
Favor is God’s reward for obedience…. Hebrews 11:6 says “But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those that diligently seek Him.” In this year of writing; it has been a battle. The flesh against the spirit and I could tell when I stepped away from studying and seeking God as I should. Although not consecutive; there was turmoil in my life for a couple of months and I was unable to write. I know satan wanted me to stop writing for God’s plan and purpose for this blog was more than I ever dreamed.
Through writing He has blessed my daughter and me far greater than we deserve. His mercy, grace and love is astounding! And although I accepted Christ as my Savior in January 2008; I realized in this past year that I never was truly walking the walk; I was still in the world straddling the fence as people would say. But God is so good; you know I realized too that He has been with me all my life. It just took this past year of actually taking time and doing something for Him that I was able to realize it. I can see now where He was even with me before I took that first drink, that first cigarette, that first joint, my first sexual encounter, etc.. When I walked away from Him at 15 years old; He never stopped loving me and pursuing me. I just chose to ignore Him and my life was a wreck. But God!!!
Since September 30, 2016 when God allowed me to publish that first test page for this blog; His goodness has never ceased. Here is what God has done in the past year through this blog. Several young women have learned they are much more valuable than they ever thought and moved on from destructive relationships. Two mother and daughters have made amends, a young woman realized she wasn’t alone in dealing with anger and mistreating her daughter, another young woman realized that life is so much more than she ever thought it could be; that God can heal broken hearts, restore marriages, restore families, and replace brokenness with joy and that miracles do happen. God also provided a praying friend for a woman that needed someone during a very difficult time in her life due to sickness of a parent. Several single parents both male and female have reached out for prayer due to anger because they want to be different and don’t want their children to end up like them. Another woman realized that she deserves so much more than she has settled for. Not only have females been reading this blog, but males also. Many have written not only me but Samantha asking for prayer and I have met with a few.
God has been so good to Samantha and me. Not only have I had a heart change but Samantha has been able to truly forgive me for the way I had treated her all her life. God has allowed me to overcome being a controlling and angry mother. If you go back and follow the blog you will see that God provided in such a huge way. Every time God provided; the devil tried to destroy something else; but in the end when satan let something fall apart; God fixed it or provided another way!
God provided Samantha with a car when she was working only part time and shortly after her hours were cut. Living off of my paycheck was extremely tough with that extra added expense. However, God made a way! He gave us a trip to New York City, Shenandoah Valley, and to Washington, DC all within a period of 3 months. This was unthinkable for someone who never went on vacations. Then for Christmas, never having had a new purse, I was given two Michael Kors purses. Then in April after eight interviews; Samantha received a full-time position within the school system, doing exactly what she had been dreaming of doing.
Since the spring of this year, several things have taken place; but God made a way. My 2004 Toyota with 260, 000 miles has only one window that will roll down and the A/C went out on it, but now it is working part-time. After being parked for months due to running hot, I decided to repair Samantha’s old 98 Chevy Cavalier because it has a good A/C on it. But before an inspection, we had to replace the thermostat and the radiator. Then when going to the car wash another issue arrived, the battery light came on and the alternator wasn’t charging. So on a Sunday afternoon when it was about 100 degrees outside it died at a stop sign while I was trying to deliver it to the place for repair on Monday. So I had to push it off the road with sweat beading off of me. I later realized, I didn’t loose my temper and yell and scream ugly words! I was so excited and proud of myself for keeping my cool. I so thank God, for the blessings of towing being covered and me not loosing my cool. We got it repaired, inspected, and I am driving it today.
Then in August while fixing Samantha’s quilt for her birthday from her old t-shirts; the sewing machine quit. And instead of loosing my temper; I prayed and asked God to help me. Guess what? It started back working and I finished that beautiful quilt for her. The next week I borrowed Samantha’s car and drove to the beach for a day with my friend Cheryl. Never having a problem with the AC on the way there; we get in the car to drive back and the A/C isn’t working. After letting her out at her car in Jacksonville; I touch the knob and prayed and it starts back working.
After publishing the post titled “A Daughter’s Forgiveness – True Unconditional Love” a beautiful lady writes me a private message. I could tell she was upset with things from her life. I wasn’t sure how to respond to her message but I prayed and answered her. After offering to meet with her; we did and we talked for 4 hours. She was so amazed at how God had moved in mine and Samantha’s relationship. We instantly became friends and she came to church with me the next night and was set free from things that had been bottled up inside. Shortly after this my AC unit to my house decided to go on permanent vacation. This beautiful new friend gave me a window unit she no longer needed to help cool my home.
At the end of July I was contacted by a lady who asked for prayer for her momma. This sweet lady and her family have become such amazing friends. And have blessed Samantha and myself tremendously not only with their friendship but with a weekend at their place at the beach. However on the way there; Samantha’s car broke down. The clamp on the radiator came off and the water leaked out! We had to call for help. But praise God, my nephew picked up Samantha took her to get my Toyota then her car was towed to the shop. We went to the beach and had a great time regardless of the trouble. And on Monday when we picked up the car; we were blessed with no cost on the repair and tow bill.
This wasn’t the end as on September 6th while driving to work; I realize my car is not sounding right when I tried to crank it and had noticed it for a few days. Thinking is was the starter; I took it by the station to have it checked. Well it was the battery and praise God it wasn’t the starter! Once again, God steps in and the battery was covered by a warranty. I am so thankful that it didn’t leave me stranded beside the road and thank God it didn’t die when we drove to Colombia, SC just a week and a half before that.
Through all these trials I have been able to keep my cool and the old me would have totally flaked out. I mean with yelling ugly words, not a pretty picture I know. But with God, there is such a calmness and peace even in the midst of the storms. I told you , there has been such growth in my walk with God and in my life. God has used this blog to teach me about true love. His love for me is the truest of loves as it is unconditional. He allowed His one and only son to die for me; now that is love! I am chosen, wanted and loved; but God has also let me know that He has already chosen my husband. I am not sure when I will meet him but I don’t think it is going to be much longer!! I couldn’t have a husband before now because I wasn’t ready. That is why I wasn’t able to hold on to anyone in the past. I kept repeating the same old mistakes. My heart had so much hurt that it had to have time to heal for me to be able to move forward into all that God has for me and has for me to do for Him. I thank God for His continued work in my life and preparing and anointing me to be my husbands’ wife, a mother to our children, a grandmother to our grandchildren with many wonderfully blessed years serving Him together.
***Matthew 19:26 – But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
Please excuse my writing tonight but as I have said in the beginning I am not a professional. But I write from the heart as the Holy Spirit guides me. I am real and never want to go back to be that woman that I use to be! I thank God for miracles, because I am one!
To God Be All the Glory, Honor & Praise!
Join me next time as this love story continues!
Much Love to you all!
I know it has been a while since I have written and for this I do apologize. I am actually working on writing the summary of this past year and writing also about how God has moved in my life since starting this journey of writing for Him. Please stay tuned and prayerfully if I can slow down enough I will have it posted by the weekend or this time next week. This summary doesn’t mean that I will not be writing still. I am praying about the direction in which He wants me to go with this blog, for it is His!
To God Be All the Glory, Honor & Praise!
Much Love to You All,
This post is extremely difficult to share but praise God for changing me! I am not who I use to be!
For the past few months I had asked Samantha to let me know if she would like to go anywhere special for her birthday. But with no paychecks in the summer and all the issues that occurred with our cars and our home AC unit; our outings are limited. Her request was to visit a town in Georgia named Flowery Branch. I was going to do what I needed to for her to have a wonderful birthday; and after much discussion we decided to wait on that trip until Christmas. So she decided on a day-trip and it was absolutely a wonderful fun-filled day! I am so thankful that she chose to spend her special day with me!
Yesterday August 4th, my gorgeous daughter Samantha and I took that day trip to Durham for her birthday to visit a mall she had not been to since she was about 9 years old. She has asked for years to lets go find it, but I couldn’t remember the name of the mall or where it was; except around Durham. After some research and viewing pictures online; we chose what looked like the place which was The Streets of Southpoint. All she wanted was to visit this place, get cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory and eat dinner at Logan’s Roadhouse. So we shopped a little then visited the Cheesecake Factory for some delicious out of this world cheesecake and were just in awe of the sites we saw at The Streets of Southpoint. Once we left Durham; with no Logan’s Roadhouse on our route; we detoured through Goldsboro on the way home to eat dinner at her favorite restaurant.
With Samantha’s birthday and wanting to do something really special for her; this week has been extremely busy. I put together what started out as a blanket but ended up being a handmade quilt for Samantha’s 24th birthday. Needless to say, I have never done anything like this before.The top was made from old t-shirts that she had worn over the years from the time she was a little girl all the way through high school. There was a lot of love, care and hours put into this handmade quilt. It’s not perfect; but I have always told her that nothing I do is perfect; but at least I try. But she said she didn’t care because it was made with love. Then this morning when I woke up and we were talking about her birthday, I told her she was so spoiled. She chuckled and said “Yes I am”! She was so happy and excited over our day together yesterday and her handmade quilt. So excited, that she took it with her to show her grandparents (my mom and dad) on our visit. I am sad to say that she hasn’t always known that her momma loves her because I didn’t always show love towards her.
In my prayer closet this morning, God reminded me that the amazingly wonderful time that Samantha and I had yesterday has not always been a part of our life. We laughed, sang, talked about God and we had so much fun! But over the years it has taken a long time to get here because I was hateful, controlling and I mistreated her physically, emotionally, and mentally. It has taken a lot for her to forgive me for the things that I have done and said to her; and even the relationships that I have exposed her to. She recently told me that she has just been able to forgive me within the past couple of years; that it took her a while. But in seeing God move in my life and the changes that she has seen within me; she was able to let go of the hurt and pain and truly love me. Thank God I am not who I use to be; not even who I was in January of this year.
In 2010 when I left my 3rd husband to move to our now present home I was a wreck. Although I had accepted Christ into my life in 2008 and was attending church regularly, my life wasn’t an example of what a relationship with Christ should be. I was a poor example of a Christian! The anger that I had towards my now ex-husband just came with me when we moved and the sad part is; Samantha was the only one around so she caught the brunt of everything. Feeling as if I had lost everything in my life and feeling like a complete failure; especially since I was headed towards divorce number 3, I was angry and tried to control everything in Samantha’s life. I think now it was a way that I felt perhaps if I controlled her; then she would never walk away from me. For it seemed everyone had always done just that! But the reality of it was I was pushing her away with my anger and controlling ways.
We have always pretty much done everything together over the years and everyone said we were best friends. But the truth is I think perhaps she was afraid to tell me she didn’t want to do stuff with me for fear of me hurting her in some way. It’s sad to think this; but it’s true. When she finally tried to stand up for herself in my outburst of anger; I remember getting so mad with her calling her names, telling her to shut up and I remember grabbing her by the throat with my hands. Once I realized what I was doing; I let go, cried and immediately apologized, for I would never intentionally hurt her! Every time I did anything to hurt her; I felt horrible and never wanted to leave her for a fear that something would happen to her. Guilt overwhelmed me!
For the life of me; I couldn’t understand how I could hurt the most precious gift that God had given to me on this earth! I have since come to realize as my relationship with God has grown that it wasn’t me; it was what was in me that did all these horrible things! On February 2, 2014, I was delivered from that deep rooted anger during a church service. I have written about this deliverance in a earlier post. I also have been delivered within the past year from that controlling spirit.
I realized that both of these were generational curses that had to be broken off of my life to keep them from being passed to Samantha and future generations. Although I was delivered; satan didn’t want to let me go. I wish I could say that since that day in 2014 that I have never had another outburst of anger; but I can’t. In Matthew 12:43-45 it speaks of when an evil spirit leaves a person it tries to return and believe me it does. Each day we have to choose to walk in the ways of the Lord and it can be difficult but God always provides a way. It has been a spiritual battle but God is greater and He won! Today I walk in freedom from bondage that had me bound for what seems like forever! There is a sense of peace and calm within my soul and within my home. As the song goes; it is well with my soul.
***1 John 2:6(NIV) Whoever claims to live in Him must live as Jesus did.
*** John 8:36 (NIV) So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
Within the past year since God had me start writing this blog; I have grown so much in my relationship with Him. I am still not perfect and never will I be until He calls me home. But with God, the relationship between Samantha and me is one of true love, respect, admiration, honor and integrity. We can truly say we are proud that we are not only mother and daughter; but we definitely are best friends. It feels amazing to know that my daughter has truly forgiven me and that she knows without a shadow of a doubt that I love her and will always do anything I can for her!
I can’t change the past; but with God I don’t have to live there and the future for Samantha and myself is looking pretty great. God has us both doing a work for Him. We support each other and are each others biggest cheerleaders. And I am so grateful that God gave me such a beautiful gift. Her beauty not only radiates from the outside but from the inside. She is truly a treasure! I Love You Samantha Jo from the bottom of my heart!!
I don’t know if this will help anyone else; but I do know that it has helped one young woman to be able to forgive her mom and restore their relationship. As I share from my heart; I pray that others learn from my mistakes and know that God is the only way to peace, joy and true love. As the song goes, if you’re tired and you’re weary, there is freedom. Our Heavenly Father is that freedom! Trust Him today!
**1 John 1:9
To God be All the Glory, Honor and Praise !
Much Love to You All!
When I ended the story a few weeks ago I told you that Samantha and I had moved into our present home after leaving my now ex-husband. I was a mixed bag of emotions from being mad, sad, hurt, depressed, confused, to angry. Crushed because everything had happened like it did as I had so hoped for our marriage to work out and finally have a big family. But things didn’t quite work out that way. As I look back now, I’m not sure if I was more upset over the separation and moving or the fact that I didn’t have control over everything. One thing for sure was I felt like a complete failure as I was heading for divorce number 3.
When we moved I was already working with the school system and going to college part time. I had to give up college because it was just too much on me at that time. But it was during Thanksgiving break our home was almost ready and I told Samantha to get some of her clothes and we would spend the night at our new place. I wasn’t ready to move yet because some things still needed to be completed and I figured if we moved in it would never get done. But when we got to our now home I realized she had brought every piece of clothing she owned! When I asked her why, she simply stated she wanted to get out and didn’t want to go back because she was tired of the way things had been. Unfortunately our kids are the ones who suffer the most when we make those selfish and irresponsible decisions and behave irrationally.
He helped us get settled in and moved the items that I had purchased and stored in the outbuilding for me. I didn’t take anything from the home except Samantha’s bedroom suite as I wanted to make sure he had everything that he needed to have a furnished home. Because when I met him; his apartment was bare and regardless of what had happened, I didn’t have the heart to clean him out. I did love him and wanted him to have everything that he needed. He helped us financially for quite some time and still helps in little ways that he can for he said he would always help Samantha any way possible. But I was so upset that I had to leave my beautiful home I had worked so hard in and not to mention my huge kitchen. For the one I have now is almost too small to change your mind in, but praise God, I have a home.
After just a couple of weeks here at our new place; I remember Samantha telling me that our old single wide mobile home felt like home and that she missed it. Then she said that our other house we had just left never felt like home and that our new place felt more like home than that house ever did. She was absolutely right! As much as I loved that house it never felt like home to me either; it was a place to stay and a roof over our heads. Marriage was short lived with all the trouble we had with my sickness and attitude, jealousy of kids and everything else that went on. As I stated in an earlier post; I wasn’t ready to be married and I never should have married him. It wasn’t the right time and it definitely wasn’t fair to him or either of our girls! But praise God we are still friends. There was definitely healing that needed to take place within me before I ever said I Do! And I needed to know the true meaning of love and what marriage is all about.
Two years passed before I even considered dating anyone. Just before our divorce was final I started seeing someone. However I shouldn’t have until my divorce was final because when you are still married by law you are still married in Gods eyes; therefore I was committing adultery. Even though the divorce was almost final and I was seeing someone; I just found it hard to let go of my husband. I remember continuously asking him, are you sure this is what you want; can’t we seek counseling and work it out! Of course he was done and wanted no part of trying to salvage the marriage. I think deep down I was hoping that the time apart would cause him to miss me and want me. But I know now that it was that longing to have someone and be married and not have divorce number three take place.
I wasn’t sure if I was upset over divorcing him or the fact that it was going to be divorce number three for me. However I felt like a complete failure and that I would never have a marriage work. And you know what?…. with that type of attitude and stinking thinking, I most definitely can’t! But God moves mountains and heals emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually when we allow Him to do so. Once we completely accept Him and surrender, then He is able to make beauty from our ashes. However, at this point I wasn’t quite there yet!
This entire time I was going to church and working on my relationship with God and many miracles had taken place in my life but I still had a ways to go. God has truly had his hands full molding and shaping me! But jumping into a dating relationship at this time was detrimental to my walk. For I strayed and not only was I committing adultery, but fornication too! And oh how the struggle between the spirits was completely overwhelming! The relationship with this guy got really nasty and only lasted a few months but then I turned right around and jumped into dating an old friend. He’s the one that had given me the expensive engagement ring that I gave back and I told you about this in an earlier post. Then a year later I ran into a dear precious old friend and we dated for only a short while. But although I was divorced and had been for 2 years he felt like he was being compared to my ex because of things I said. I never meant for it to come out that way. I guess I just had to have healing in my entire being before I could move forward in my life. I have since learned that there is no man on this earth that can make me happy or love me like my Father! Happiness comes from within, no person, all the money in the world nor anything can make you happy….but a personal relationship with the Father is what it takes!
***** 1 Corinthians 6:18 -20-Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, who you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.
I’ve realized that you can’t move on until your heart is completely healed. Perhaps after two years of separation you would think you would be healed but when you have extremely deep pain from childhood on up, it takes a while to allow God to heal all those scars and create within you a new, tender and loving heart. God knew my heart and He knew that no marriage would ever work out for me until I was completely healed from the inside-out from every single thing that had hurt me in my past.
During the past seven years God has healed me from all my deep rooted anger, jealousy, rage, bitterness, hatred, spitefulness, envy, selfishness, a controlling spirit, hatefulness, all sickness & diseases, heartache, depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. He has created in me a new heart and has given me life. Not to say that satan, who is out to steal, kill and destroy doesn’t prowl around trying to convince me otherwise; but I know who I am. I am the daughter of the King, the most High God who has turned my mourning into dancing and turned my sorrow into joy!
God is still molding and shaping me, as I am not perfect and will not be until He calls me home to be with Him. But when I fall; I am quick to repent and I get back up brush myself off and go again. I do not want to do anything to displease my Father but to do everything so that He may receive all the glory, honor and praise. My life didn’t change overnight after accepting God as my Savior and yes I stepped out of His will more times than I care to admit. But He never let me go! Praise God!!!
Being healed & delivered from smoking, addiction to prescription drugs and not tithing properly during the Health & Wealth Conference when Jeremy Laborde prayed with me was an eye-opening experience. I will tell you more about this soon and about the physical touch I received from God while praising Him at the alter one Sunday morning! Oh WOW, was that awesome! From cleaning the church, working in the nursery, helping with VBS, dancing on the praise team, doing skits for the Women’s Conference, and praising & worshipping Him freely; every day I love Him more and more. And I know He has huge plans for me!
*****Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Join me next week as I tell you a little more of my story and my walk to true love as God continues to mold & shape me!
To God be all the Glory, Honor & Praise Forevermore!
Much Love to you All,
This is another poem I wrote during a troubled time in my 3rd marriage; after I had asked God into my life. I still had alot to learn.
A poem I wrote in 2008