Desiring To Be Loved In The Brokenness

I’ve always heard it takes a village to raise a child and recently I have seen just that. I’ve missed a week of posting but I now understand why; as I needed to watch and listen. This post is completely off my testimony path but kinda ties in with the beginning of the rest of my story. Since giving my testimony at Community Church Revival a few weeks ago; I have been under a huge attack from Satan not only physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually. But God reminded me this morning that if there wasn’t something huge that I am being used for, then the enemy wouldn’t be fighting me so hard. I just have to remind the enemy who I am and that he is defeated. God also brought to mind that in a search for love; the only true love is of God and that we all want the approval and love of a Father.

The past week has been extremely eye opening to me. My heart has broken for many reasons;  but one being for kids who are just desiring to be loved. Acting out, rebellious, angry, bitter, and defiant; this is so heart breaking  because this is exactly how I remember myself being as a child and it followed me into adulthood. I know I wasn”t the peefect child and still have faults. However my wonderful parents are still together, and I know they have always loved me but I guess I needed to hear it. And I honestly don’t remember hearing it until after my first divorce. Not saying they never did, I just dont remember hearing it.People show love in different ways and my parents are amazing parents who had a rebellious daughter and it was probably difficult to show love or tell me, or perhaps I just didn’t listen. But God creates beauty from ashes.

However reflecting about kids this really tugged at my heart. It reminded me of when Samantha was young and I was so impatient with her. I’ve seen the  pain and heartache in children’s eyes;  just longing for love and acceptance. Most of these I’ve watched have been children of single parent families and the child is reaching out for love from the opposite parent that isn’t with them. Just as my own daughter did and has as she has grown up. She just wanted a daddy’s love and mommy’s too, as my life was preoccupied a lot of the time with fulfilling my desires. We as parents can be some selfish people!

Just this past weekend I was so touched as to things I witnessed. One precious little boy desiring to have the love of a mother was so excited when I gave him attention and just simply spent time with him. This thrilled him so much that before leaving me he gave me hugs and said ever so sweetly “I love you”. This totally and completely melted my heart!

Then as I watched a sweet little three year being defiant as she fought sleep. In the arms of someone she just met that day; I watched him speak ever so gently and calmly to her as she finally fell asleep. But not before she hit him about 30 times;  patience and persistence paid off.  I so admired the patience he had with her and realized that this is exactly what kids need. The next day this sweet child ran straight to his arms desiring to be held just as soon as he arrived at my house. She so longs for a fathers love.

Crying is what I heard almost everyday for a week. Saturday with the precious 3 year old, Sunday in the church nursery, then at work this past week. You’ve already heard about the 3 year old so let me tell you the rest. In the church nursery was a new child desiring to be with her mom; she did not want to stay. However, we knew that with patience and persistence eventually she will get use to being with the other kids and away from mom. If we gave in she would never learn to stay. Then at work I’ve seen children in trouble and brought up to the office because of one reason or another. But on Monday this one child really struck me as he cried. I watch him all the time coming and going, and basically a sweet child but parents aren’t together. Then this week God brought back a little girl that moved away about 2 years ago. Such a sweet girl who I’ve been praying for and wondering if she were ok. Her home life was one that was broken to the point she didn’t want to live, so you can imagine how excited I was to look up and see her. 

From all of this, God has shared with me that even my own childs brokenness was because of me. The choices I made affected her. My inability to display patience and being a train wreck myself; made it difficult to be the mother God wanted me to be. And I was running from God! It’s a ripple effect. If we don’t have ourself together and are constantly bringing new people in and out of our kids lives; then they never see stability. They only experience loss after loss and afraid that eventually everyone is going to leave them.

Samantha was already fearful enough from loosing her daddy, that I didn’t want her to get attached to everyone that came along. We have to protect our kids! To them it becomes an expectation that nothing is to stay the same and everyone who I love will leave me.  But what are we teaching our kids!? Certainly not what God says we should. Kids need stability and know that not everyone is going to leave them. There little minds can get so confused when parents are not persistent, patient, and stable. They learn by example; we are their role-models. What are we teaching them?! When we the parents are inconsistent; why would we expect our kids to be anything other than what we are!

Lonely, broken, depressed, bitter, angry, etc. I  desired love and so wanted Samantha to have that daddy she so longed for. Although I met many men; Samantha didn’t!  Thank God I only exposed her to just a few; not bringing them all to my home. I haven’t been the best mom or the best role model but she knows that God has transformed me. Although I am still not perfect and will not be until God decides to take me home. I still battle some days when I fail to give it all to God.

Monday night Samantha and I were talking and I ask her why kids are so terrified that people were not coming back. She told me that for her; she didn’t want me out of her sight when she was young because everyone else she got close too left. Her dad bounced in and out of her life to the point that she may see him once a year now. And she would love to be able to see him every day. Then she told me that the other two men that came into our lives and she called Daddy; they too walked out and left her. She said, “Mama it hurt that every man I got attached to walked away from me!” She is 23 years old and still feels like her dads  walked out on her. I realized right then that kids have to be protected.

With everyone leaving; the fear is real that the parent that is left will eventually leave and not come back too. Parents what I am trying to say is please protect your babies. Don’t allow everyone you meet to meet your kids. This causes more harm than good. And parents that are separated and divorced; love your kids and show them you love them. Don’t put down or talk negatively about the other parent as your babies are caught in the middle. Find a way to work together and give your kids the best life possible so they don’t go out searching for love in all the wrong places, things or people. They need you to be stable so their life can be too. If you aren’t sure what to do; start with prayer and ask God to come into your life. This is the beginning of a life of love that no one on this earth will ever be able to give you! The best gift you can give your child is an introduction to Christ.

Proverbs 22:6 – Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it.

I have shared from my heart today and I pray that this helps someone!

Join me next week when I return to my life testimony.

Much Love To You All,

XOXOXO

Donna

 

The Dance of Darkness

In a Facebook post this week I saw a picture that read “If you’re not lighting any candles, then don’t complain about being in the dark.” This got me to thinking about all the darkness that was in my life at one time. I sure wasn’t lighting any candles to brighten my way. If anything I was blowing them out; more like burying them as I ran from God. I allowed such doom and gloom into my life; not only affecting me but my precious daughter and everyone that tried to love me.

Just recently we had a prophetic night of worship at church and a very precious friend said, “Forgiveness is the hardest thing you can do and the most strongest thing you can do.” These words are so very powerful! A long and difficult journey it has been; but I have finally been able to forgive not only others, but myself.

As I think back over my life there were many times I just couldn’t seem to find it in me to forgive anyone. Angry and depressed I wanted to place the blame on everyone else for all the injustice in my life. The truth is, my own choices had a huge part of me being where I was. And not learning at an early age how to handle rejection and anger, put me on an uphill battle. The strongest thing I could have done was forgiven those early in life that hurt me so deeply, learned how to accept the negative from others and deal with my own demons. Easier said than done; as it has taken me totally submitting myself to Christ to do this. I was never able to do so even with the psychiatrist help. But God! The one thing I have realized is that as I grew up, I found it harder to forgive myself than to forgive others. I have been my own worst critic. 

Ephesians 4:32 – And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.

Ezekiel 36:26 (NLT) And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.

Anger, bitterness and unforgiveness can wreak havoc on a body. In 1996 Samantha and I were involved in a rear-end collision. This wreck and the pain afterwards was the onset of many years of sickness and three operations. While living in Potters Hill on top of the anxiety, depression, anger and panic attacks I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome,  High Blood Pressure, Fibromyalgia and my back would lock up due to injury from the wreck. I had 9 vertebrae that had been moved out of alignment from my neck down from the wreck. And even after chiropractic care I still had trouble. On top of being extremely depressed and angry about my life I now had to deal with all of this. I wanted so much more for my daughter than to be a single mom who was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. The only way I knew how to cope was to bury it in a bottle, smoke cigarettes and adult pleasure; but that just brought on more troubles of its own.

I wanted to move away thinking that a change of scenery would change my life; but Samantha didn’t want to leave her grandparents. I was basically trying to just run from my problems. It was idiotic of me to think that moving would solve my issues! So  I decided I would go to college at night while I worked at Nationwide Insurance during the day. Mr. Benny (associate agent) had encouraged me to go to school to get my degree and then have a chance at bettering the life’s of Samantha and myself. I registered and was awarded financial aid to cover the cost. However, with my parents work schedules it was not convenient for them to keep Samantha while I was in school. And they didn’t really see the need for me to receive a college education as I was working at Nationwide. I was very upset and once again, I felt like a failure and couldn’t seem to find a way to make our life’s better. If only I would have listened to my child and just took her to church, but no I was still running from God!

Samantha wanted a daddy so badly. She was picked on by the kids on the school bus for not having a daddy at home. I remember for Christmas all she would ask for was a daddy; she would say “Mommy I want Santa Claus to bring me a daddy for Christmas!” This broke my heart and sent me searching anyway possible to find her a father figure. So between going out to the clubs and meeting people from online chat rooms I met many people. But as soon as anyone started to get close; I would push them away. Finding anything that I could wrong to not get close to them. I knew I had issues that I needed to deal with and didn’t want them to see my anger. Unfortunately, after running many off it didn’t work for one very persistent man.

To God Be The Glory, Forever!

Join me next week when this story continues and all hell starts to break loose.

Much Love To You All!

Donna

Check out my newest blog for God with Emerge Ministries at emerge4unity.org